I finished study just under two weeks ago and its been quite a challenge. I really managed to exhaust myself mentally, physically, emotionally and yes spiritually this time round. Having moved back to the Waikato and taken time to sleep and sleep and sleeeep I now find myself gradually gaining energy and interest in life again. I have also managed to find work for next year and space to get back into shape beforehand. All of which is great. After a year away and studying at a completely different level though I find myself out of synch with who I thought I was. I don't seem to fit in anywhere at the moment and I'm kind of reluctant to simply revert back to the status quo of relationships and the existence of a year ago. In some ways its great to be out of the comfort zones and able to evaluate and analyze - after all analysis is one of my strengths and I find it fascinating - in other ways its awkward and unsettling and I feel like I have no one able to guide me through... and I like being told what to expect and how to approach stuff.
I'm contemplating writing some Christian fiction works just to try it, but I fear this may be a form of escapism at a time when I really need to be processing and defining myself anew for the next year. We will see.
Monday, 14 December 2009
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Last class.
Been studying Philippians all semester in Master's class and today was the last lecture. I'm kinda sad about that to be honest as have loved pretty much everything about this course. The lecturer, the weekly interaction, the diversity of people in the class, the morning breaks, and most of all the content.
I have never studied an entire book in this way before - I did the Pentateuch but that's 5 books! So my eyes were truly opened!!! To spend time setting everything in context, to look at individual words like grace and joy and thinking, to trace themes throughout the book and indeed Paul's other letters, it was all incredibly rewarding. I had never seen the theme of unity in Philippians let alone other letters so to realise that this may indeed be the biggest focus was kinda mindblowing. Ultimately its changed the way I read the bible, the questions I ask, and the way I live my life in light of it.
Philippians 1v27 states:
Only, live your life in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that, whether I come and see you or am absent and hear about you, I will know that you are standing firm in one spirit, striving side by side with one mind for the faith of the gospel.1.
I think at the moment this is the crux of my Christian life. Or at least I want it to be. To live in such a way that my life is worthy of the gospel? Of Christ? Standing firmly on this knowledge in one spirit, not swaying from side to side, but working with my church in unity and oneness with them for the 'faith' of the gospel (that is the defense and proclamation of the gospel)? It's a huge call. But it's also non-negotiable. To not do so is to be spit out as lukewarm.
Having spent so much time reading and listening and discussing this book I think I now understand some of what Paul was driving at. I'm shocked, I'm frustrated, I'm scared, but I'm also encouraged and fueled up and passionate about living a life that is worthy, following Paul's example, and sharing this with those I am privileged to journey with...
1.(The Holy Bible : New Revised Standard Version. 1996, c1989 . Thomas Nelson: Nashville)
I have never studied an entire book in this way before - I did the Pentateuch but that's 5 books! So my eyes were truly opened!!! To spend time setting everything in context, to look at individual words like grace and joy and thinking, to trace themes throughout the book and indeed Paul's other letters, it was all incredibly rewarding. I had never seen the theme of unity in Philippians let alone other letters so to realise that this may indeed be the biggest focus was kinda mindblowing. Ultimately its changed the way I read the bible, the questions I ask, and the way I live my life in light of it.
Philippians 1v27 states:
Only, live your life in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that, whether I come and see you or am absent and hear about you, I will know that you are standing firm in one spirit, striving side by side with one mind for the faith of the gospel.1.
I think at the moment this is the crux of my Christian life. Or at least I want it to be. To live in such a way that my life is worthy of the gospel? Of Christ? Standing firmly on this knowledge in one spirit, not swaying from side to side, but working with my church in unity and oneness with them for the 'faith' of the gospel (that is the defense and proclamation of the gospel)? It's a huge call. But it's also non-negotiable. To not do so is to be spit out as lukewarm.
Having spent so much time reading and listening and discussing this book I think I now understand some of what Paul was driving at. I'm shocked, I'm frustrated, I'm scared, but I'm also encouraged and fueled up and passionate about living a life that is worthy, following Paul's example, and sharing this with those I am privileged to journey with...
1.(The Holy Bible : New Revised Standard Version. 1996, c1989 . Thomas Nelson: Nashville)
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
Irony
Yesterday I had a great day. Today was utter crap. Why? Why do I make choices that are good sometimes and bad at others? And why do I react so differently?
Yesterday I got up, greeted God, ate breakfast, cleaned, read my bible, got into study, ate regularly during the day. It was a good day, I felt productive and like I was closer to God.
Today I got up, fiddled around on the computer, ate breakfast, and then decided to read some more of my 'relax' novel. Hours later I was kinda hungry, but I managed to while away more hours, eventually went out shopped, cooked dinner and then watched tv till now when I should be asleep.
I feel angry and disappointed yet resigned to my choices. It's like I gave up. Rather than draw near to God I wanted to punish myself - to force myself to do better. Yet I could hear Him calling me, asking me whether this punishment was His plan and asking what the true nature of sin is.
Sin, I know, is putting me before God. I was forced to realise that just as the choices I made today to put my pleasure before spending time with Him, listening for His guidance, were sinful; so is my desire to punish myself and wallow in guilt and condemnation. These things don't draw me to Him - they shame me, pull me further from God, and so result in me repeating the sin of control, pride and self-determination. Breaking this cycle requires an act of will - of choosing to listen to God and to be obedient. It's hard - but its good I think.
I'm currently really struggling with self-control and I think that part of the reason is that the concept suggests that its all about my 'self' being in control. In reality I know from experience that its about choices. Choosing God, choosing to wake and greet, to chat, to include, to seek after, to love God. When I do this from the start of my day 'self' is not the one in control. God is. Maybe tomorrow I will find a new term for this to help keep my eyes on God.
Thinking this through 'outloud' helps. Hopefully in the future I will remember after I fall down that punishing myself is sinful too and I will learn to go to God first. After all its where I always end up - might as well take the shortcut!
Yesterday I got up, greeted God, ate breakfast, cleaned, read my bible, got into study, ate regularly during the day. It was a good day, I felt productive and like I was closer to God.
Today I got up, fiddled around on the computer, ate breakfast, and then decided to read some more of my 'relax' novel. Hours later I was kinda hungry, but I managed to while away more hours, eventually went out shopped, cooked dinner and then watched tv till now when I should be asleep.
I feel angry and disappointed yet resigned to my choices. It's like I gave up. Rather than draw near to God I wanted to punish myself - to force myself to do better. Yet I could hear Him calling me, asking me whether this punishment was His plan and asking what the true nature of sin is.
Sin, I know, is putting me before God. I was forced to realise that just as the choices I made today to put my pleasure before spending time with Him, listening for His guidance, were sinful; so is my desire to punish myself and wallow in guilt and condemnation. These things don't draw me to Him - they shame me, pull me further from God, and so result in me repeating the sin of control, pride and self-determination. Breaking this cycle requires an act of will - of choosing to listen to God and to be obedient. It's hard - but its good I think.
I'm currently really struggling with self-control and I think that part of the reason is that the concept suggests that its all about my 'self' being in control. In reality I know from experience that its about choices. Choosing God, choosing to wake and greet, to chat, to include, to seek after, to love God. When I do this from the start of my day 'self' is not the one in control. God is. Maybe tomorrow I will find a new term for this to help keep my eyes on God.
Thinking this through 'outloud' helps. Hopefully in the future I will remember after I fall down that punishing myself is sinful too and I will learn to go to God first. After all its where I always end up - might as well take the shortcut!
Monday, 5 October 2009
So why sacrifice in the Old Testament? Why kill animals? And how on earth does Jesus dying really equate with sacrifice???
So why sacrifice in the Old Testament? Why kill animals? And how on earth does Jesus dying really equate with sacrifice???
According to Chris Marshall this stuff all has to do with justice and I think I agree with him – well most of the time =). When the whole sacrificial system came in to existence it was as a result of Israel’s sin. (Meaning the nation – not just the person!). God had chosen to enter into a covenant – a special relationship – with Abraham and all of his descendents (the ultimate purpose of which was to restore all people to relationship with God). Problem was their sin (placing their own agenda’s before God’s) meant that they kept breaking the covenant – living in ways that God simply could not agree with (duh our agenda always pales in comparison with God’s!). To restore their relationship God had to provide a system through which they could show their regret and well repentance really and commitment to putting Him first. IN ADDITION Marshall suggests that sin was (and is) like an infectious disease, spreading quickly from person to person. So not only did God need a way for the people to show repentance but He needed it to halt sin spreading in its tracks – providing cleansing.
Hence we have the sacrifice system where the people of God would bring an offering to God (be it whatever type of food or drink or animal that the law required though the more serious sins required the shedding of lifeblood), and through participating in the ritual publicly at the temple repentance was demonstrated, God was able to forgive, sin’s spread was stopped and the ‘disease’ was cleansed from the community, and ultimately relationship with God where God and His agenda are placed first was restored.
Thing was this system had its limits and the people kept falling into deep sin over and over and over again. God needed to create a way to enable all people to be in relationship with Him and halt sin altogether. It was clear we human’s were unable to do this so He himself had to come down, live as a man, and die. It is this act that cleanses us all from sin and enables sin to be removed from community. HOWEVER just as in the sacrificial system God requires us to participate in this with repentance and choosing to follow Him, putting His agenda first. We do this by declaring that we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, accepting His sacrifice on our behalf and choosing to follow Him with our lives – putting Him first in all things. In addition we do this publicly and in community – hence baptism and the need to be a part of the Church.
By joining our belief and lives with Christ’s sacrifice, death, and resurrection we are forgiven by God and able to live freely in relationship with Him, as was always His plan. Quite clever really.
According to Chris Marshall this stuff all has to do with justice and I think I agree with him – well most of the time =). When the whole sacrificial system came in to existence it was as a result of Israel’s sin. (Meaning the nation – not just the person!). God had chosen to enter into a covenant – a special relationship – with Abraham and all of his descendents (the ultimate purpose of which was to restore all people to relationship with God). Problem was their sin (placing their own agenda’s before God’s) meant that they kept breaking the covenant – living in ways that God simply could not agree with (duh our agenda always pales in comparison with God’s!). To restore their relationship God had to provide a system through which they could show their regret and well repentance really and commitment to putting Him first. IN ADDITION Marshall suggests that sin was (and is) like an infectious disease, spreading quickly from person to person. So not only did God need a way for the people to show repentance but He needed it to halt sin spreading in its tracks – providing cleansing.
Hence we have the sacrifice system where the people of God would bring an offering to God (be it whatever type of food or drink or animal that the law required though the more serious sins required the shedding of lifeblood), and through participating in the ritual publicly at the temple repentance was demonstrated, God was able to forgive, sin’s spread was stopped and the ‘disease’ was cleansed from the community, and ultimately relationship with God where God and His agenda are placed first was restored.
Thing was this system had its limits and the people kept falling into deep sin over and over and over again. God needed to create a way to enable all people to be in relationship with Him and halt sin altogether. It was clear we human’s were unable to do this so He himself had to come down, live as a man, and die. It is this act that cleanses us all from sin and enables sin to be removed from community. HOWEVER just as in the sacrificial system God requires us to participate in this with repentance and choosing to follow Him, putting His agenda first. We do this by declaring that we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, accepting His sacrifice on our behalf and choosing to follow Him with our lives – putting Him first in all things. In addition we do this publicly and in community – hence baptism and the need to be a part of the Church.
By joining our belief and lives with Christ’s sacrifice, death, and resurrection we are forgiven by God and able to live freely in relationship with Him, as was always His plan. Quite clever really.
Saturday, 3 October 2009
Sluggards and Introverts
Listened to a message based on the character of the sluggard in Proverbs a little while ago by Joshua Harris (yes the guy who wrote I kissed dating goodbye etc etc). I found it quite interesting for a number of reasons - I haven't heard a series of sermons come from a book of the bible let alone an OT book in NZ for yonks and yonks, I certainly haven't heard a topical sermon talk about laziness and the actions of a 'sluggard', and what Josh actually spoke on within this topic surprised me. I expected to hear all about the couch potato attitude, and certainly that was raised, but he also talked about active procrastination as being the work of a sluggard which perked my ears up =) being an area I and virtually everyone I know struggles with on and off (me typically more on!).
Josh suggested that putting off a task that is important but not as urgent as other tasks seem in the moment is as much the behaviour of a 'sluggard' as sitting on a couch and being too lazy to get to the tv and change the channel when the remote's missing. Hmmm. So me cleaning my room, encouraging a friend, cooking a meal etc when I need to study or make a phone call to the dentist is as sinful as sitting and doing nothing...
On the surface it seems ridiculous. Yet sin is not divisible into individual acts - it's not the act of cleaning that's a sin nor is it the act of sitting on a couch - sin is the attitude or belief that my want's and need's are more important than God's intentions for me. Sin is seeing me above God. It's this belief that my need to avoid 'work' or 'suffering' or 'embarassment' 'etc' is more important than seeking God's desires that then leads to my actions of cleaning, encouraging and cooking and the like. This is the sin. This is the thinking of a sluggard. Ouch.
Josh suggested that putting off a task that is important but not as urgent as other tasks seem in the moment is as much the behaviour of a 'sluggard' as sitting on a couch and being too lazy to get to the tv and change the channel when the remote's missing. Hmmm. So me cleaning my room, encouraging a friend, cooking a meal etc when I need to study or make a phone call to the dentist is as sinful as sitting and doing nothing...
On the surface it seems ridiculous. Yet sin is not divisible into individual acts - it's not the act of cleaning that's a sin nor is it the act of sitting on a couch - sin is the attitude or belief that my want's and need's are more important than God's intentions for me. Sin is seeing me above God. It's this belief that my need to avoid 'work' or 'suffering' or 'embarassment' 'etc' is more important than seeking God's desires that then leads to my actions of cleaning, encouraging and cooking and the like. This is the sin. This is the thinking of a sluggard. Ouch.
Monday, 14 September 2009
A change in perspective
It would seem that I am constantly changing and learning and growing. It almost feels redundant to remark upon it but for some reason I seem to expect it to stop and almost feel deficient when it doesn't! Such is my pride :s
Recently it has felt like I have been existing in a dark hole. I came under spiritual attack and due to ongoing sickness, tiredness, confusion and a slow slipping away from time spent with God apart from study. I found that I was open to attack and unable to recognise what was happening. Once I did realise with God's strength and wisdom it was stopped but the consequences of the attack continued to have physical repercussions - exhaustion, inability to sleep, increased pain levels and deep depression fueled by intense loneliness.
Although I wanted to break the cycle the reality was that I didn't have the spiritual, physical, mental or emotional reserves to do so. For me this seems to be a continued pattern - as soon as I learn to recognise the work of satan in my life and how to place myself in God's protection it seems attack comes from another area but with the same results.
Anyway the result of all of this is that God has been using this time to not only let me experience the natural consequences of my sin (read distance in relationship with Him - not individual acts per say as the acts themselves are simply a result and perpetuation of sin, its the attitude or the intention behind them and revealed in them that is sin) but also to reveal to me a distortion in my thinking.
When we have alter calls or pray prayers of salvation we tend to ask God into our hearts and lives. This is all very well and good but I now think that this is only a partial truth. Not only do we let God into our lives but we do this in order that He would restore us to His plan for us - we are asking Him to help us repent (turn from ourselves and into relationship with Him) and to walk in His ways. In doing so we actually enter into the story of the bible - God gives us entrace into the Kingdom of Heaven (in the now and not yet tension lol) - and we commit to living in God's story not our own.
I have been worrying the issue of 'calling' over in my mind for years (worrying in the sense of a dog worrying a bone that is constantly returning to it, knawing at it, burying it and then digging it up again to consider it in new lights...) all from the perspective of God being a part of my life not considering myself in light of the biblical story as a whole. When I read the genealogies I didn't see how they linked me into the big picture or how they would have caused the initial Jewish readers to feel a part of the ongoing relationship between God and themselves thus helping them take ownership and actively participate in this big ongoing narrative.
God has been slowly helping me turn my focus around and learn to ask how He would have me contribute to this amazing story. I'm not quite so worried about doing things in my own strength now or working out My Calling or what career or paths He has set out for Me to achieve - I'm more interested in just trusting and obeying in the little things knowing that they are contributing to a story I can't even begin to comprehend at the moment. It's both comforting and awe-inspiring to know that I am just one person in a story that includes people like Noah and Daniel and Leah and Rachel... when I meet them in Heaven and talk to them about how I lived on this earth I don't want to boast about my awesome ministry (with God's help of course lol) or the millions I helped witness to - I want to talk to them about how I listened to God and I did what He asked of me with a pure heart knowing that He would reveal all in time.
Not my life - but His grand story
Not my achievements - His love
Not my failures - His grace and purposes
Mmm I have found such peace and joy as this is slowly becoming real and true for me, Thank you Lord.
Recently it has felt like I have been existing in a dark hole. I came under spiritual attack and due to ongoing sickness, tiredness, confusion and a slow slipping away from time spent with God apart from study. I found that I was open to attack and unable to recognise what was happening. Once I did realise with God's strength and wisdom it was stopped but the consequences of the attack continued to have physical repercussions - exhaustion, inability to sleep, increased pain levels and deep depression fueled by intense loneliness.
Although I wanted to break the cycle the reality was that I didn't have the spiritual, physical, mental or emotional reserves to do so. For me this seems to be a continued pattern - as soon as I learn to recognise the work of satan in my life and how to place myself in God's protection it seems attack comes from another area but with the same results.
Anyway the result of all of this is that God has been using this time to not only let me experience the natural consequences of my sin (read distance in relationship with Him - not individual acts per say as the acts themselves are simply a result and perpetuation of sin, its the attitude or the intention behind them and revealed in them that is sin) but also to reveal to me a distortion in my thinking.
When we have alter calls or pray prayers of salvation we tend to ask God into our hearts and lives. This is all very well and good but I now think that this is only a partial truth. Not only do we let God into our lives but we do this in order that He would restore us to His plan for us - we are asking Him to help us repent (turn from ourselves and into relationship with Him) and to walk in His ways. In doing so we actually enter into the story of the bible - God gives us entrace into the Kingdom of Heaven (in the now and not yet tension lol) - and we commit to living in God's story not our own.
I have been worrying the issue of 'calling' over in my mind for years (worrying in the sense of a dog worrying a bone that is constantly returning to it, knawing at it, burying it and then digging it up again to consider it in new lights...) all from the perspective of God being a part of my life not considering myself in light of the biblical story as a whole. When I read the genealogies I didn't see how they linked me into the big picture or how they would have caused the initial Jewish readers to feel a part of the ongoing relationship between God and themselves thus helping them take ownership and actively participate in this big ongoing narrative.
God has been slowly helping me turn my focus around and learn to ask how He would have me contribute to this amazing story. I'm not quite so worried about doing things in my own strength now or working out My Calling or what career or paths He has set out for Me to achieve - I'm more interested in just trusting and obeying in the little things knowing that they are contributing to a story I can't even begin to comprehend at the moment. It's both comforting and awe-inspiring to know that I am just one person in a story that includes people like Noah and Daniel and Leah and Rachel... when I meet them in Heaven and talk to them about how I lived on this earth I don't want to boast about my awesome ministry (with God's help of course lol) or the millions I helped witness to - I want to talk to them about how I listened to God and I did what He asked of me with a pure heart knowing that He would reveal all in time.
Not my life - but His grand story
Not my achievements - His love
Not my failures - His grace and purposes
Mmm I have found such peace and joy as this is slowly becoming real and true for me, Thank you Lord.
Friday, 7 August 2009
Word = alive = Life
Sometimes I am simply astounded at God!!!
I have been quite reticent in my basic disciplines of the faith - to use Christianeese! In other words I have been pretty lazy when it comes to reading my bible and praying in times set aside just for these habits. Praying is something that seems to have been coming increasingly habitual during life in general and so I find myself talking with God more and more, its something I just cant NOT do it would seem. I haven't been too worried about making it a 'have to do' listed item for the day as a result. I know its something that can be improved but its not weighing heavily in my heart.
Reading my bible on the other hand has ALWAYS been a struggle for me. It just seemed kinda a route activity and a bit hit and miss with whether it interested me or made any influence on my life. I knew it was important and so I would always try to spend time in it but when I started doing papers at Bible College study meant I could be lazy and justify my study and course time in the Word as being enough. Anywho I have recently resolved that I would like to spend time each day following the Anglican practice of reading 1 chapter from OT, NT and the Gospels so 3 in total. I started reading in John and just began to read John 5 and it was as if the Word has become alive!!! Thank the Lord for all the study and context and well understanding I have gained through studying at college because now I am SOOOO excited to read more! What a blessing, what was a have to is now love to YAY!
I have been quite reticent in my basic disciplines of the faith - to use Christianeese! In other words I have been pretty lazy when it comes to reading my bible and praying in times set aside just for these habits. Praying is something that seems to have been coming increasingly habitual during life in general and so I find myself talking with God more and more, its something I just cant NOT do it would seem. I haven't been too worried about making it a 'have to do' listed item for the day as a result. I know its something that can be improved but its not weighing heavily in my heart.
Reading my bible on the other hand has ALWAYS been a struggle for me. It just seemed kinda a route activity and a bit hit and miss with whether it interested me or made any influence on my life. I knew it was important and so I would always try to spend time in it but when I started doing papers at Bible College study meant I could be lazy and justify my study and course time in the Word as being enough. Anywho I have recently resolved that I would like to spend time each day following the Anglican practice of reading 1 chapter from OT, NT and the Gospels so 3 in total. I started reading in John and just began to read John 5 and it was as if the Word has become alive!!! Thank the Lord for all the study and context and well understanding I have gained through studying at college because now I am SOOOO excited to read more! What a blessing, what was a have to is now love to YAY!
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Feelings
This month has been a massive rollercoaster what with financial, physical, work and study stresses and the challenge of being home and then having to leave home. Finally committing to a life of full time ministry in my mind and heart has also sent me into a hardout tail spin. Its been really interesting to try and work out why I have reacted the way I did - after an initial experience of peace and relief at committing to God again in this way I think I realised that I was suddenly facing the death of the dreams I had had from a child as to how I would live my life, the type of family experience I expected to have, the lifestyle I wanted to lead... it's all felt a bit like its been stripped from me and I guess I have been going through a bit of a grieving process.
To truly surrender a dream or series of dreams to God in favour of the apparent dreams and directions He has for me is an intensely difficult experience to go through seemingly alone - when you feel subconsciously that God is the perpetrator of your pain its rather difficult to go to Him as everything screams run the other way... I know that the commitment I have made is great and I am actively excited about it; at the same time I want my dreams too and grieve their apparent loss. It doesn't much help that the dreams themselves were not unGodly or the like either. It can be so easy to know God has the best in mind for us as we walk in relationship with Him - its completely different to realise that the best for us is not necessarily what we had in mind and heart and keep walking without missing a beat.
I hope this doesnt come across as whining - its more musing. It would seem I am slowly learning how to turn to God and surrender fully again prior to the point where I am at full physical / emotional meltdown stage and writing out my experience is part of this processing. Wow. This Christian life is way way way more complex than I ever realised when I started on the journey - in some ways I am glad I didnt know as I dont know if I would have started without also knowing the joy of experiencing God's grace, peace, joy, love, blessing... I can't begin to describe how this feels in a way anyone who hasn't conversed with Him could comprehend.
Praise the Lord - my Father, comforter, strength, and reason
To truly surrender a dream or series of dreams to God in favour of the apparent dreams and directions He has for me is an intensely difficult experience to go through seemingly alone - when you feel subconsciously that God is the perpetrator of your pain its rather difficult to go to Him as everything screams run the other way... I know that the commitment I have made is great and I am actively excited about it; at the same time I want my dreams too and grieve their apparent loss. It doesn't much help that the dreams themselves were not unGodly or the like either. It can be so easy to know God has the best in mind for us as we walk in relationship with Him - its completely different to realise that the best for us is not necessarily what we had in mind and heart and keep walking without missing a beat.
I hope this doesnt come across as whining - its more musing. It would seem I am slowly learning how to turn to God and surrender fully again prior to the point where I am at full physical / emotional meltdown stage and writing out my experience is part of this processing. Wow. This Christian life is way way way more complex than I ever realised when I started on the journey - in some ways I am glad I didnt know as I dont know if I would have started without also knowing the joy of experiencing God's grace, peace, joy, love, blessing... I can't begin to describe how this feels in a way anyone who hasn't conversed with Him could comprehend.
Praise the Lord - my Father, comforter, strength, and reason
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Miroslav Volf - Repentance
Been reading Exclusion and Embrace as prep for Justice paper this month and its been slooooow going but I just realised why - its cos something is finally making me really really think at a level thats questioning my belief systems wow.
Sooo I was just reading a piece about repentance and I gotta process it so here goes: Volf is arguing that repentance is necessary most for people sinned against initially. Yes people oppressed, down trodden, abused - they need to repent. The reason given is this: if you are in a position of oppression under people who are abusing you, you are not responsible for their actions or their sins in anyway at all BUT you are responsible for the way your soul changes in response to their sin.
Our reaction is typically to hate: to embrace enmity and envy. Enmity for them and anyone involved with them who tacitly approves and allows their sin to continue, and envy for the control/authority/power/methods of oppresion they have access too. (Random thought: this may well include desiring their punishment and incarceration - not for the purpose of redemption and restoration but rather to make them pay ie having power over them and showing them their behaviour was so wrong it deserves their freedom and indeed life as payment - desiring/longing for the day when we have power over them and more freedom than they do). Volf states it is this enmity and envy we must repent of and indeed resist.
The reason is this, if we finally get to a point where their oppression and sin against us ends and we gain the position of victors/superiors/opportunity to exact revenge AND we have not resisted and repented of this sin of envy/enmity THEN we will use these methods of oppression/control/authority/power on them and theirs probably in more creative and destructive ways... they and their followers will learn enmity/envy of us and so the cycle continues and continues. Extreme examples include the long issues found between Israel and Palestine and between the Serbs and Muslims.
In order for social change to occur, for our full human dignity to be restored, we must repent therefore. We must resist envying and hating those who sin against us and all that defines them not for their sake but for our own for fear that we become like them and lose aspects of who we are. This does not EVER mean condoning someones sin or readmiting to our lives people who abuse us and sin against us repeatedly, it does mean choosing the path of forgiveness and repentance of our own sinful responses. Challenging.
Sooo I was just reading a piece about repentance and I gotta process it so here goes: Volf is arguing that repentance is necessary most for people sinned against initially. Yes people oppressed, down trodden, abused - they need to repent. The reason given is this: if you are in a position of oppression under people who are abusing you, you are not responsible for their actions or their sins in anyway at all BUT you are responsible for the way your soul changes in response to their sin.
Our reaction is typically to hate: to embrace enmity and envy. Enmity for them and anyone involved with them who tacitly approves and allows their sin to continue, and envy for the control/authority/power/methods of oppresion they have access too. (Random thought: this may well include desiring their punishment and incarceration - not for the purpose of redemption and restoration but rather to make them pay ie having power over them and showing them their behaviour was so wrong it deserves their freedom and indeed life as payment - desiring/longing for the day when we have power over them and more freedom than they do). Volf states it is this enmity and envy we must repent of and indeed resist.
The reason is this, if we finally get to a point where their oppression and sin against us ends and we gain the position of victors/superiors/opportunity to exact revenge AND we have not resisted and repented of this sin of envy/enmity THEN we will use these methods of oppression/control/authority/power on them and theirs probably in more creative and destructive ways... they and their followers will learn enmity/envy of us and so the cycle continues and continues. Extreme examples include the long issues found between Israel and Palestine and between the Serbs and Muslims.
In order for social change to occur, for our full human dignity to be restored, we must repent therefore. We must resist envying and hating those who sin against us and all that defines them not for their sake but for our own for fear that we become like them and lose aspects of who we are. This does not EVER mean condoning someones sin or readmiting to our lives people who abuse us and sin against us repeatedly, it does mean choosing the path of forgiveness and repentance of our own sinful responses. Challenging.
Friday, 12 June 2009
Today
Saw someone else's blog this afternoon and feel rather inspired again to take stock of where I am now. It's funny how much of a rollercoaster ride life can be. I came to college with so many mixed motives. I was semi sure God was supportive of this move - my first real departure from friends and family for a long term period of time - though I worked pretty hard at convincing myself and others of this. Thing was I knew I was in a rut and that something drastic needed to happen. Well moving has been drastic and mindbending and challenging physically, mentally and emotionally... I have also re-learnt the lesson that you truly take your issues with you lol. The good thing is that they generally become a lot more obvious to you when they hit hard the second time round, well they do for me, and the opportunity to work through them is always open with God.
In the pressure cooker of change old 'conquered' patterns of sinful actions rear their heads, fears, inadequacies, hates, loves all come into focus... It's been a process of refocusing again, realising yet again how much I need to rely upon God and trust Him to direct the process, and going back to the basic truths and steps of my faith. The scary thing is I'm slowly starting to get comfortable again and so I need to learn this time round how to stay on track in the comfy spaces as well as the painful/stressful/confusing ones.
I'm happy in a church, in a few communities, in my workplace, I'm working away at this study thing, I think I have direction and vocation a bit clearer, I'm working on me 'n God and He is def working on me! There is definitely stress going on but it's mostly ok. Weird. Come September the worst of the intense study will be over for the year with only a few pieces of assessment left... thats only 2 1/2months away. I wonder what He will throw at me next???
In the pressure cooker of change old 'conquered' patterns of sinful actions rear their heads, fears, inadequacies, hates, loves all come into focus... It's been a process of refocusing again, realising yet again how much I need to rely upon God and trust Him to direct the process, and going back to the basic truths and steps of my faith. The scary thing is I'm slowly starting to get comfortable again and so I need to learn this time round how to stay on track in the comfy spaces as well as the painful/stressful/confusing ones.
I'm happy in a church, in a few communities, in my workplace, I'm working away at this study thing, I think I have direction and vocation a bit clearer, I'm working on me 'n God and He is def working on me! There is definitely stress going on but it's mostly ok. Weird. Come September the worst of the intense study will be over for the year with only a few pieces of assessment left... thats only 2 1/2months away. I wonder what He will throw at me next???
Friday, 15 May 2009
Peace - a funny thing!
I heard somewhere recently that peace in the bible is not 'peace and quiet' as in escape or retreat to solitude in the Hebrew context but has more to do with living in accordance with one another and God in harmony... ie not being at war.
This is intriguing me and making me rethink the 'peace of God' and what it means to be filled with God's peace. When I use the peace test and have peace about a decision its not that I am quiet about it - its that I'm not at war within myself, I'm not disturbed in my spirit but I'm content and confident in my choice.
Last night I had a conversation that probably should have happened a while ago. I came away from it filled with great peace and settled in myself for the first time in a while and I realised that this area had been effecting all of the rest of my life simply because I didn't have peace within myself and was continually questioning, doubting, reconsidering my thoughts and actions. I had been seeking God and wondering why I was struggling so much... seems this is one of a few things that I was at war with in my head and spirit and I could not resolve it on my own. Having started to do so my whole demeanor is so much improved and I feel God at work as He shapes my understanding and heart in a new way. Peace. It's soooo good!!!
Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. 6 Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
This is intriguing me and making me rethink the 'peace of God' and what it means to be filled with God's peace. When I use the peace test and have peace about a decision its not that I am quiet about it - its that I'm not at war within myself, I'm not disturbed in my spirit but I'm content and confident in my choice.
Last night I had a conversation that probably should have happened a while ago. I came away from it filled with great peace and settled in myself for the first time in a while and I realised that this area had been effecting all of the rest of my life simply because I didn't have peace within myself and was continually questioning, doubting, reconsidering my thoughts and actions. I had been seeking God and wondering why I was struggling so much... seems this is one of a few things that I was at war with in my head and spirit and I could not resolve it on my own. Having started to do so my whole demeanor is so much improved and I feel God at work as He shapes my understanding and heart in a new way. Peace. It's soooo good!!!
Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. 6 Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Friday, 8 May 2009
Longing sux!
In community worship a few weeks ago I think Rod raised the suggestion that we need to long more - to dream - to hope - to imagine - to desire. Well as far as I am concerned longing doesn't happen so much because it opens me up to an awareness of what is not possible, to what I cannot change, to pain, to frustration, to weakness, to devastation, to a deep insatiable ache in my soul that I cannot assuage and God is seemingly asking me to wait on. and on. and on.
I'm not saying longing is wrong but I am saying it is costly and in a full life it brings in a new dimension I'm not sure I want to sacrifice for and yet I'm not sure I can ignore either.
So is it best to embrace longing wholeheartedly or at a distance? Does it matter? I don't know... yet
I'm not saying longing is wrong but I am saying it is costly and in a full life it brings in a new dimension I'm not sure I want to sacrifice for and yet I'm not sure I can ignore either.
So is it best to embrace longing wholeheartedly or at a distance? Does it matter? I don't know... yet
Hmph convictions!!!
Arghhhhhhhhhh that last blog required absolutely no vulnerability from me and now Im kinda convicted by that oversight. If I tried to write down all thats going through my heart and mind these days I don't know if I would stop writing for hours... too much too much.
So me = vulnerable = I want to qualify what I want to say lol.
I think I have a clearer idea now of who God is, therefore of who I am, therefore of what He has created me for / is calling me to. Which is pastoring, marriage, family, AND scholarship. Scholarship meaning doing applied research into the NZ context and relaying insights gained to the NZ church as a whole in various unforeseen God-ways. So be it. Now to find ways of growing in these areas without getting off track, without just sitting back and waiting on God making all the moves, and while still letting Him move the boundary lines as I go about life...
So me = vulnerable = I want to qualify what I want to say lol.
I think I have a clearer idea now of who God is, therefore of who I am, therefore of what He has created me for / is calling me to. Which is pastoring, marriage, family, AND scholarship. Scholarship meaning doing applied research into the NZ context and relaying insights gained to the NZ church as a whole in various unforeseen God-ways. So be it. Now to find ways of growing in these areas without getting off track, without just sitting back and waiting on God making all the moves, and while still letting Him move the boundary lines as I go about life...
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Vulnerable conversations
I think I live in a world, a society, a culture, which is afraid to be honest.
I think that my generation has seen so much abuse of trust,
brokenness and confusion over what it means to be a person - to be part of a functioning family or group,
and so much tolerance where nothing is unacceptable or critiquable and no standards are evident,
that we don't believe in being vulnerable anymore.
Vulnerability means abuse
means pain
means rejection
means tolerance with no offer of transformation.
When we come to the church
with these views of the world
we try to remain invulnerable
leading to
legalism
Pharisees
facades
Perfect Christians - clean on the outside and filthy inside.
If we allow Jesus to transform us maybe
just maybe
becoming vulnerable
admitting doubts
confusion
fears
sins
Sin
maybe we might find
others
who feel the same, behave the same, want the same
instead of acceptance of ourselves as we are (which validates our Sin and changes nothing)
encouragement to do better,
deep love urging us to change,
hope for a better future,
a way to reach people. Christian and non-Christian.
a way to love people. Christian and non-Christian.
a way to be the church.
a way to be real.
Vulnerable.
I think that my generation has seen so much abuse of trust,
brokenness and confusion over what it means to be a person - to be part of a functioning family or group,
and so much tolerance where nothing is unacceptable or critiquable and no standards are evident,
that we don't believe in being vulnerable anymore.
Vulnerability means abuse
means pain
means rejection
means tolerance with no offer of transformation.
When we come to the church
with these views of the world
we try to remain invulnerable
leading to
legalism
Pharisees
facades
Perfect Christians - clean on the outside and filthy inside.
If we allow Jesus to transform us maybe
just maybe
becoming vulnerable
admitting doubts
confusion
fears
sins
Sin
maybe we might find
others
who feel the same, behave the same, want the same
instead of acceptance of ourselves as we are (which validates our Sin and changes nothing)
encouragement to do better,
deep love urging us to change,
hope for a better future,
a way to reach people. Christian and non-Christian.
a way to love people. Christian and non-Christian.
a way to be the church.
a way to be real.
Vulnerable.
Monday, 27 April 2009
Why want a miracle?
In John it says that to do the work of Jesus is to believe in Him - the one who was sent. It also says that the disciples sought Jesus out after the miracle of the loaves and fishes not because the miracle was a sign but rather because they ate their fill of the food. Hmmm. Why do we seek miracles? Is it for the miracle itself (healing from cancer or pain or distress, relief from financial struggle, redemption of a hardened friend) or is it as a sign that points to the supremacy and Lordship of Jesus Christ that we might believe more and that others might know that He is God? I think that Jesus is saying here that our greatest desire must be that He Himself would be glorified through the Sign pointing to Him ie the miracle.
Does that mean I cant ask that God heal me when I am sick because I have a big assignment due and I need health to be able to focus? No. I think rather it means that I should always be seeking first to see God glorified and be willing to accept that often that means I need to simply persevere and try to glorify Him in my illness by pointing to Him at all times and believing in Him in all things. When He does bring healing or other miracles to bear it means that I need to not focus on the miracle (Wow I'm healthy! Or look I prayed and got $200 out of the blue its a MIRACLE) but rather on the one who made the miracle (Praise God - He saw my need and He met it, He is so good!). I wonder if a change in focus results in more miracles ;)
Does that mean I cant ask that God heal me when I am sick because I have a big assignment due and I need health to be able to focus? No. I think rather it means that I should always be seeking first to see God glorified and be willing to accept that often that means I need to simply persevere and try to glorify Him in my illness by pointing to Him at all times and believing in Him in all things. When He does bring healing or other miracles to bear it means that I need to not focus on the miracle (Wow I'm healthy! Or look I prayed and got $200 out of the blue its a MIRACLE) but rather on the one who made the miracle (Praise God - He saw my need and He met it, He is so good!). I wonder if a change in focus results in more miracles ;)
Saturday, 28 March 2009
Decisions... at 2am?!?!
I simply could not sleep last night and I almost blogged then but decided to read my bible instead - no not a 'holy' response rather a desperate hunger for God born partly out of a lack of time spent in the bible recently. I came up here to study absolutely passionate about research into the family and violence and behavioural cycles and spiritual cycles and legacies passsed down and I am finding now Im here and actually can study these things that I am no longer passionate about them - its like its not an urgent response within me. Instead I am kinda obsessed with the church, with salvation, with the need to confront religiosity within myself and within others, with the need to preach a message of repentance of self-sufficiency and of the continual need to do battle with sin and rely upon God's grace... in short a message for satisfied christians of whom I often am one. A message that I needed to hear and continue to need to hear and its kinda burning in me. I dont want to do my assignments and yet when I do they fit into this story, this message. I dont want to focus on what I ought to - I am devouring podcasts from a variety of sources, Christian fiction is really speaking to my heart, I am intrigued by books from a variety of sources and each area seems to just all feed into one cohesive whole...
So what do I do?!?! Seriously this is destroying my sleep, consuming my thoughts and leaving me vaguely feeling dismay and guilt that I am not achieving what I thought I set out to do and yet its so fulfilling to keep pursuing this stuff. Oh Lord please help me draw nearer to You and develop the fruit of self-discipline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dang.
So what do I do?!?! Seriously this is destroying my sleep, consuming my thoughts and leaving me vaguely feeling dismay and guilt that I am not achieving what I thought I set out to do and yet its so fulfilling to keep pursuing this stuff. Oh Lord please help me draw nearer to You and develop the fruit of self-discipline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dang.
Friday, 13 March 2009
Revelation = deconstruction of self
Im currently sitting under my desk in my room - seemed nice for a change of position lol - and reflecting on the past couple of weeks listening to a love songs CD compilation full of songs I love but wouldnt classify as 'love' songs go figure!
I had lunch with friends yesterday and then chatted with a couple of 'newbie friends' and then finished the day on phone with closest friends. Sitting here I realised that how I relate to each group is completely different and, though no less genuine, varied in terms of guardedness. Hmmm.
Then I realised that I really am going through a period of de and re construction really. All the things that I thought made up 'me' but were really circumstantial or brought about by establishing operations are being broken down and lost without those circumstances here in Auckland and so I feel lost and confused and adrift. Yet at the same time I am striving to adapt to the new and so I am being reconstructed - not so much losing stuff just having it reorganised and reshaped. All of which means its an awesome opportunity to grow even more intertwined to God and be more holy or set apart to Him but also requires time and intentionality and space and well pain.
Its weird - talking on the phone last night my friends reminded me of who I was, of the convictions I had before moving, of the values I hold and it was like wow yes thats right... it brought back my equilibrium a bit. Up till then i was so busy adapting I was losing sense of who I am at base and so I think I need to spend time working on that a bit. All of this self-work that I never realised I would need to do. Which is actually quite inconvenient really cos I desperately need to get organised and ready for block course and am in the process of job interviews and stuff none of which I think are quite right for me and this time in my life. Oh well at least Im learning and growing, lol.
I had lunch with friends yesterday and then chatted with a couple of 'newbie friends' and then finished the day on phone with closest friends. Sitting here I realised that how I relate to each group is completely different and, though no less genuine, varied in terms of guardedness. Hmmm.
Then I realised that I really am going through a period of de and re construction really. All the things that I thought made up 'me' but were really circumstantial or brought about by establishing operations are being broken down and lost without those circumstances here in Auckland and so I feel lost and confused and adrift. Yet at the same time I am striving to adapt to the new and so I am being reconstructed - not so much losing stuff just having it reorganised and reshaped. All of which means its an awesome opportunity to grow even more intertwined to God and be more holy or set apart to Him but also requires time and intentionality and space and well pain.
Its weird - talking on the phone last night my friends reminded me of who I was, of the convictions I had before moving, of the values I hold and it was like wow yes thats right... it brought back my equilibrium a bit. Up till then i was so busy adapting I was losing sense of who I am at base and so I think I need to spend time working on that a bit. All of this self-work that I never realised I would need to do. Which is actually quite inconvenient really cos I desperately need to get organised and ready for block course and am in the process of job interviews and stuff none of which I think are quite right for me and this time in my life. Oh well at least Im learning and growing, lol.
Thursday, 5 March 2009
Tired
I'm actually really tired - wanted to blog today but really and truly not much happened to make me pause... I started out creating art from scripture, went to a meeting, had lunch and then went road tripping with Elizabeth, came home, had a long chat with Hannah, had dinner, watched Amazing Grace with heaps of people, fringed on a pillow fight, watched half of wall-e and now to bed. Fascinating stuff. Tomorrow I drive back to the mighty Waikato and I have mixed feelings bout that. We will see. I'm feeling a lot better about the Halls but maybe will blog about that when my mind is cleaner. As in less full and tired and fuzzy. Oh and last night I was blessed by the gift of a friend - through prayer, words and finances all of which humbled me mightily. God is so gracious regardless of my holiness ie set-apart-to-Himness or lack thereof and the family of God is such a blessing and a strength. Romans 12:9-13 is such a challenge and a blessing =)
luv and hugs
tired me
luv and hugs
tired me
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Movie night
Had my first three hour lecture on Monday night and well 3 hours is a loooong time to sit and listen but it was still fascinating, I think I'm going to really enjoy the worldviews course. My only other lecture is on today from 1.30 to 4.30 and I'm looking forward to it too - and this time I have peanut m'n'm's cos my allowance came through and will pay my accomodation from now on plus my parents were able to send emergency money through finally while I wait for the other two areas to be sorted so yay and Thankyou Lord for amazingly generous parents.
Yes it seems like a frivolous thing to spend emergency money on but YOU try sitting through 3 hours of lecturing and not have something to boost your blood sugar levels and keep your mind active!
Yesterday we had a powhiri, I studied all afternoon and rewrote my cv, we had a halls-wide meeting and then watched half of 'The Castle'. Today I'm studying this morning - well soon I will be - with a lecture this arvo and then off to free movies in the park tonight. Life is pretty full which is great for taking my mind off things. I think yesterday was the first day I really felt like I was 'here' - we were finally welcomed onto campus properly and officially met everyone from the womens side living in the singles rooms plus we had the head counselling guy come talk to us about the realities of community living and well it just made it all seem real. It felt like we were all in this together... up until then it kinda felt like people would do the obligatory who are you etc convo and then avoid any other deeper conversations, now we dont have any excuses. I cant observe anymore I have to immerse myself in this and its weird but its good. Tomorrow night we have a BBQ at the laidlaw bach on Piha beach so I can only hope that will build further on this week.
I miss kids - oh boy do I miss being around kids.
I miss hugs and physical contact in general.
I miss the ease of long term relationships and friendships where I dont have to explain myself or end up hiding how I feel for fear of disturbing someone.
I miss being able to have breakfast after 8am lol.
I miss juice and milk and fresh veges and salads.
I miss being around guys and not feeling like I have to watch everything I say and do.
I miss accountability. Knowing people care enough that if I act or speak out of line they will pull me up on it.
I miss church family.
I miss being able to talk to Mum anytime I want to.
I miss being able to walk on my own.
But thats ok. It's only been a week and hey I have free counselling services if I need them!
I praise God for awesome lecturers and a caring student leadership.
I praise God that I am healthy.
I praise God for the finances that he has cleared the way to fall into place.
I praise God that I can learn and grow in Him without persecution.
I praise God for beautiful beaches and parks and peace.
I praise God for Elizabeth and Lousie and Angelene n' Ian.
I praise God for this lovely room with a garden view and thick walls!
I praise God for community and the truths that come from living in it.
I praise God for the grace he gives me every day that I might be gracious to others.
I praise God for the lovely kitchen man who gave me sushi yesterday cos I couldn't eat with everyone else.
I praise God for the car he has provided and the protection he has given it so far.
I praise God for His word and the serenity that even a single verse can provoke in my otherwise disturbed soul.
I praise God for His constant everlasting love and provision.
I praise God.
Yes it seems like a frivolous thing to spend emergency money on but YOU try sitting through 3 hours of lecturing and not have something to boost your blood sugar levels and keep your mind active!
Yesterday we had a powhiri, I studied all afternoon and rewrote my cv, we had a halls-wide meeting and then watched half of 'The Castle'. Today I'm studying this morning - well soon I will be - with a lecture this arvo and then off to free movies in the park tonight. Life is pretty full which is great for taking my mind off things. I think yesterday was the first day I really felt like I was 'here' - we were finally welcomed onto campus properly and officially met everyone from the womens side living in the singles rooms plus we had the head counselling guy come talk to us about the realities of community living and well it just made it all seem real. It felt like we were all in this together... up until then it kinda felt like people would do the obligatory who are you etc convo and then avoid any other deeper conversations, now we dont have any excuses. I cant observe anymore I have to immerse myself in this and its weird but its good. Tomorrow night we have a BBQ at the laidlaw bach on Piha beach so I can only hope that will build further on this week.
I miss kids - oh boy do I miss being around kids.
I miss hugs and physical contact in general.
I miss the ease of long term relationships and friendships where I dont have to explain myself or end up hiding how I feel for fear of disturbing someone.
I miss being able to have breakfast after 8am lol.
I miss juice and milk and fresh veges and salads.
I miss being around guys and not feeling like I have to watch everything I say and do.
I miss accountability. Knowing people care enough that if I act or speak out of line they will pull me up on it.
I miss church family.
I miss being able to talk to Mum anytime I want to.
I miss being able to walk on my own.
But thats ok. It's only been a week and hey I have free counselling services if I need them!
I praise God for awesome lecturers and a caring student leadership.
I praise God that I am healthy.
I praise God for the finances that he has cleared the way to fall into place.
I praise God that I can learn and grow in Him without persecution.
I praise God for beautiful beaches and parks and peace.
I praise God for Elizabeth and Lousie and Angelene n' Ian.
I praise God for this lovely room with a garden view and thick walls!
I praise God for community and the truths that come from living in it.
I praise God for the grace he gives me every day that I might be gracious to others.
I praise God for the lovely kitchen man who gave me sushi yesterday cos I couldn't eat with everyone else.
I praise God for the car he has provided and the protection he has given it so far.
I praise God for His word and the serenity that even a single verse can provoke in my otherwise disturbed soul.
I praise God for His constant everlasting love and provision.
I praise God.
Monday, 2 March 2009
I was ok... till today
Funny how everything can be fine and then the last straw just sends you into emotional melt down. The last couple of weeks have been full of my grandparents and shifting and emotional upheaval and its only been this last two days or so that I have relaxed and unwound and had time to just be and now its finally starting to hit me.
I'm feeling constantly stressed, stressed by the new environment, new experiences, constant uncertainty and change. Stressed by the finances that just dont seem to ever be easy (my parents bank accounts are in limbo due to house change and new mortgage etc and studylink have had a fortnight and not even touched my hardship application AND my boss didnt sort out my final pay properly so missing all my holiday pay all of which means that the $731 in rent alone that I have paid Laidlaw has been a huge stretch and I have yet to work out how I will finance the rest of my life ie food, phone, petrol, books, photocopying blah blah blah for the next few weeks while it all gets sorted out), stressed by trying to find a church, stressed by driving ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I'm really just stressed and stretched all out of shape and despite the good things that are happening I am stresssssssssssed.
No great lesson or moral. Just stress.
I'm feeling constantly stressed, stressed by the new environment, new experiences, constant uncertainty and change. Stressed by the finances that just dont seem to ever be easy (my parents bank accounts are in limbo due to house change and new mortgage etc and studylink have had a fortnight and not even touched my hardship application AND my boss didnt sort out my final pay properly so missing all my holiday pay all of which means that the $731 in rent alone that I have paid Laidlaw has been a huge stretch and I have yet to work out how I will finance the rest of my life ie food, phone, petrol, books, photocopying blah blah blah for the next few weeks while it all gets sorted out), stressed by trying to find a church, stressed by driving ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I'm really just stressed and stretched all out of shape and despite the good things that are happening I am stresssssssssssed.
No great lesson or moral. Just stress.
Sunday, 1 March 2009
Blast from the past
This morning I tried out my first local church. Having been to a friends birthday party last night and seen a lot of people from my first real church family there I decided I would go back to my roots a little and attend Lincoln Rd Bible Chapel of Brethren denomination. It was different. I walked in by myself, having planned to meet friends there, and stood alone for what felt like ages but was probably 3mins max. A couple of girls asked me if I was new and alone and offered to sit with me if I liked but when I said I was waiting drifted off again. Finally an older lady approached me and chatted away introducing probably 8 or so people to me and then sitting with me while I waited for my friends who were rather late. This really was inviting and friendly, a little overwhelming to meet so many people in so short a time but at the same time it meant that they all knew I was new and would be more likely to approach me if I was by myself after the service. Someone also came up and invited me to lunch to meet the elders and get to know people which, had I been more interested in the church and not had friends afterwards, I would have been tempted to attend.
I did enjoy the relaxed service style, family atmosphere and the simplicity of communion. The worship time was quite offputting with songs from my youth featuring for the majority and very little movement or physical expression evident. I mean it was lovely for a visit and the words were all meaningful and thought provoking but for a home church I would struggle week after week and I dont want to add hindrances to worshipping God if not necessary. Also it is my understanding that women do not preach or teach and certainly women did not seem to have a main role (though I may be wrong) in the running of the service. Certainly this denomination is far more complementarian than most.
All in all it is a lovely church but just not me. I went expecting that but was still pleasantly surprised by how friendly people were and am not sorry I confirmed this. So now I need to find an evening service...
I did enjoy the relaxed service style, family atmosphere and the simplicity of communion. The worship time was quite offputting with songs from my youth featuring for the majority and very little movement or physical expression evident. I mean it was lovely for a visit and the words were all meaningful and thought provoking but for a home church I would struggle week after week and I dont want to add hindrances to worshipping God if not necessary. Also it is my understanding that women do not preach or teach and certainly women did not seem to have a main role (though I may be wrong) in the running of the service. Certainly this denomination is far more complementarian than most.
All in all it is a lovely church but just not me. I went expecting that but was still pleasantly surprised by how friendly people were and am not sorry I confirmed this. So now I need to find an evening service...
Friday, 27 February 2009
I feel loved
Its funny how you can almost dread something, make yourself go with a good attitude, and then end up having the best of times... I went out tonight to a friends birthday party and well to be honest I dont really know him or his wife, they are more good friends of my good friends who I have accordingly caught up with a bit this past year or so. Anyway I was not feeling incredibly excited about going - driving to unknown place in dark and rain - and meeting even more new people and having the awkward 'so what are you studying' chats repetitively.
I went. I only got lost on the way twice and refound my way without the map so they dont really count. And it was actually really fun. I came away feeling refreshed, relaxed, happy, and funnily enough cherished. It wasnt the hostess - though she was truly lovely and made me feel so welcome, at home and included that I have to conclude she has the gift of hospitality in spades - and it wasn't even the people as I didn't know anyone else as I expected, it was God. He knew how I have been feeling and somehow through this evening of laughter and joking and community He communicated love to me and I am sitting here just feeling so much happier and valued and just touched tonight.
What is so amazing about this is that it lasted through the drive home which was a nightmare of missed turns, slick streets making the road markings impossible to see, sheets of rain, and poor decision making. I was scared confused and a little panicky and yet now I am warm dry and feeling cherished still. Amazing. Simply amazing. I praise the Lord, I praise God who knows me, loves me, and brings me great joy.
I went. I only got lost on the way twice and refound my way without the map so they dont really count. And it was actually really fun. I came away feeling refreshed, relaxed, happy, and funnily enough cherished. It wasnt the hostess - though she was truly lovely and made me feel so welcome, at home and included that I have to conclude she has the gift of hospitality in spades - and it wasn't even the people as I didn't know anyone else as I expected, it was God. He knew how I have been feeling and somehow through this evening of laughter and joking and community He communicated love to me and I am sitting here just feeling so much happier and valued and just touched tonight.
What is so amazing about this is that it lasted through the drive home which was a nightmare of missed turns, slick streets making the road markings impossible to see, sheets of rain, and poor decision making. I was scared confused and a little panicky and yet now I am warm dry and feeling cherished still. Amazing. Simply amazing. I praise the Lord, I praise God who knows me, loves me, and brings me great joy.
Halls
I have finally moved cities and well its a shock to the system and it isnt... the hardest thing is being too far from friends to go 'I'm feeling lonely/bored/confused/hurt/happy' and share it with them in person yet with communication services it is easy to still keep up relationships and I could just drive down if I really wanted to/could afford it. It's weird, having the same support networks and stuff just not the same face to face physical experiences of that.
The thing I am most nervous/excited about is finding a church to plant myself in (this sentence to imply not self reliance but yeah too tired to rephrase). I have met heaps and heaps of people in the Halls and college but am yet to feel any instant connections with anyone and thats made me wonder. I dont think I had considered that before moving up I guess I must have just subconsciously thought that the Halls was going to be a multicultural equivalent of my church and that I would naturally be drawn to the people here. I'm not. It kinda makes sense now that I think on it but it has challenged me a bit. In a church - even a large church - people of like minds and similar worldviews generally congregate, I mean not everyone gets along or is exactly the same but in general they have to have similar perspectives on lots of things otherwise the church body would always be in conflict and major upheaval. At a bible college people are drawn together by a mutual desire to learn about God and how to serve Him but beyond that we are studying a variety of things in a variety of life stages with very different beliefs and worldviews and so for everyone to click straight off would be weird.
That said I will continue to work at building relationships but it will be work and intentional and thats not what I was really expecting I guess... hence right now a church I could feel more at home in is a definite priority.
The thing I am most nervous/excited about is finding a church to plant myself in (this sentence to imply not self reliance but yeah too tired to rephrase). I have met heaps and heaps of people in the Halls and college but am yet to feel any instant connections with anyone and thats made me wonder. I dont think I had considered that before moving up I guess I must have just subconsciously thought that the Halls was going to be a multicultural equivalent of my church and that I would naturally be drawn to the people here. I'm not. It kinda makes sense now that I think on it but it has challenged me a bit. In a church - even a large church - people of like minds and similar worldviews generally congregate, I mean not everyone gets along or is exactly the same but in general they have to have similar perspectives on lots of things otherwise the church body would always be in conflict and major upheaval. At a bible college people are drawn together by a mutual desire to learn about God and how to serve Him but beyond that we are studying a variety of things in a variety of life stages with very different beliefs and worldviews and so for everyone to click straight off would be weird.
That said I will continue to work at building relationships but it will be work and intentional and thats not what I was really expecting I guess... hence right now a church I could feel more at home in is a definite priority.
Sunday, 25 January 2009
I slept in and church went byebye
I'm kinda sad - my sleeping habits are screwy at the moment and I'm struggling to feel healthy but still its a choice to get up and go to church and I didnt choose to ensure I woke up in time to go. The older I get as a Christian the more I realise how sinful I am. Year before last I was sooo happy with how much I had grown and God had changed and removed from my life - now I'm horrified by how much more needs to be done! Humbling? Yes because it makes me realise how much less I need to become and how much more God needs to take over in my life.
Saturday, 24 January 2009
Loving the city - time to get uncomfortable
Been listening to Marc Driscoll preaching again - this time from the Resurgence podcasts - and I'm getting stirred again. I love Hamilton the city to bits. I love the setting, the scenery, the laziness, the people I know both family and church family and friends, and I guess I love how comfortable and content I am here too. But I also know that the reasons as to why I emotionally love Hamilton also mean that I don't practically love it... I'm too comfortable in my routine and knowledge. I don't go out on the town at night, I don't cruise the Te 
Rapa straight on the weekends, I don't explore areas known to be 'dodgy', I don't notice the areas of social despair and disrepair. I love my version of Hamilton - not the reality of Hamilton.Moving to Auckland I'm intending to make sure I don't get stuck in comfy city mode and I'm also starting to pray that it changes my understanding and approach to Hamilton too. I love Hamilton so much that I truly desire long term to live and minister and love here so for this reason too I am moving away - I want to be able to see Hamilton and learn to love it practically too.
On September 21, 2007, Mark Driscoll was invited to speak at the Convergent Conference at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. In this session listen at Pastor Mark explains the major streams of the Emerging Church and specifically, the sub-set of of the Emerging Church, known as the "Emergent Church".
Monday, 19 January 2009
Suffering
I recently had a friend declare themselves not a Christian after choosing to be a Christian for several years. She described God as being cruel and stated that He created her to suffer for His enjoyment. Wow.
I'm not sure I responded well to her statements in the moment - though I prayed and talked at the same time and trust that God was with me (and her!) - but I have definitely thought about them since. Thing is I KNOW she is wrong, disregarding for the moment that the personal relationship I share with God rejects that possibility entirely simply on the basis of the love, peace, hope, joy and grace that He has blessed me with, the bible clearly tells us this is not so.
To know what God thinks of suffering we need to look at Christ His son. Jesus experienced suffering - enduring extreme suffering on the cross for our redemption - and saw it as a necessary part of life because of our sin. Did God enjoy this? NO! Did Jesus enjoy this? NO! He even asked that it be taken from him before submitting to God the Fathers will. But it was necessary. Suffering allowed us to return to relationship with God. It was not God's choice that suffering exist rather we chose it by choosing to sin.
However that aside...
What got my attention was that this woman had appeared to be a Christian for years and yet clearly either did not ever truly know God or didnt know the God I know. My God is the God of the bible. His love is expressed on every page. His mercy and grace is described in detail. He suffers along with me when I suffer and accepts me and loves me even when I sin against Him causing Him pain and anguish. He talks with me and showers blessings into my life. So how did this friend miss all this? How could we have not noticed she didnt really know who Father God is?
This is not a guilt trip. I do not feel guilty for not 'doing' more or spending more time with this friend. I know I have been far too busy with far too many responsibilities which have only been distractions from spending time with God. I know I reached my limits. My heart is for my friend and I pray and long for the time when she really gets to know Father God. But I do want to explore these thoughts more for the future.
On reflection I wonder if we - we being the church as a whole - need to become more 'hardline' on discipline. Self-discipline is a fruit of the spirit, it is given and grown by and with God, not a result of will power. There are 8 more fruits, gentleness goodness faithfulness joy peace love patience and kindness. If we do not see these fruits growing in strength and presence in fellow Christians lives we need to gently and lovingly ask about them, see how they are going, help them, teach them, hold them accountable. We need to be disciplined in 'judging' fellow Christians and challenging them to grow in relationship with God. If we hold one another accountable and bring discipline into the way we do so then I think we ensure the church grows as a whole.
If this was happening I wonder if then we might be more likely to spot in-name-only Christians. People who either talk the talk but choose not to walk the walk or people who believe they are genuine Christians and are not in relationship with God with unregenerated hearts(regenerated hearts are those that God has changed and are reborn desiring to follow God's law doing good rather than unregenerated hearts that are ultimately desiring to sin and these desires being suppressed or given into) who are left trying to do everything in their own strength and thus keep failing.
Maybe this would mean we would be able to lovingly explain why things are so hard and who God really is to them before they give up on God and Christianity as being too hard and too judgemental and too cruel...
Life is sooooo hard. I cannot imagine doing it without God and His grace and mercy. Christianity is a really hard path to travel within life. To do it in my own strength would be to fail repeatedly hour after hour. I would be so depressed and discouraged and disillusioned. I cannot begin to comprehend trying to do life and be a Christian without God. That must truly be hellish. Maybe thats why so many Christians fall away from God - they either never knew Him or their relationship with Him grew distant and they forgot who He truly is...
I'm not sure I responded well to her statements in the moment - though I prayed and talked at the same time and trust that God was with me (and her!) - but I have definitely thought about them since. Thing is I KNOW she is wrong, disregarding for the moment that the personal relationship I share with God rejects that possibility entirely simply on the basis of the love, peace, hope, joy and grace that He has blessed me with, the bible clearly tells us this is not so.
To know what God thinks of suffering we need to look at Christ His son. Jesus experienced suffering - enduring extreme suffering on the cross for our redemption - and saw it as a necessary part of life because of our sin. Did God enjoy this? NO! Did Jesus enjoy this? NO! He even asked that it be taken from him before submitting to God the Fathers will. But it was necessary. Suffering allowed us to return to relationship with God. It was not God's choice that suffering exist rather we chose it by choosing to sin.
However that aside...
What got my attention was that this woman had appeared to be a Christian for years and yet clearly either did not ever truly know God or didnt know the God I know. My God is the God of the bible. His love is expressed on every page. His mercy and grace is described in detail. He suffers along with me when I suffer and accepts me and loves me even when I sin against Him causing Him pain and anguish. He talks with me and showers blessings into my life. So how did this friend miss all this? How could we have not noticed she didnt really know who Father God is?
This is not a guilt trip. I do not feel guilty for not 'doing' more or spending more time with this friend. I know I have been far too busy with far too many responsibilities which have only been distractions from spending time with God. I know I reached my limits. My heart is for my friend and I pray and long for the time when she really gets to know Father God. But I do want to explore these thoughts more for the future.
On reflection I wonder if we - we being the church as a whole - need to become more 'hardline' on discipline. Self-discipline is a fruit of the spirit, it is given and grown by and with God, not a result of will power. There are 8 more fruits, gentleness goodness faithfulness joy peace love patience and kindness. If we do not see these fruits growing in strength and presence in fellow Christians lives we need to gently and lovingly ask about them, see how they are going, help them, teach them, hold them accountable. We need to be disciplined in 'judging' fellow Christians and challenging them to grow in relationship with God. If we hold one another accountable and bring discipline into the way we do so then I think we ensure the church grows as a whole.
If this was happening I wonder if then we might be more likely to spot in-name-only Christians. People who either talk the talk but choose not to walk the walk or people who believe they are genuine Christians and are not in relationship with God with unregenerated hearts(regenerated hearts are those that God has changed and are reborn desiring to follow God's law doing good rather than unregenerated hearts that are ultimately desiring to sin and these desires being suppressed or given into) who are left trying to do everything in their own strength and thus keep failing.
Maybe this would mean we would be able to lovingly explain why things are so hard and who God really is to them before they give up on God and Christianity as being too hard and too judgemental and too cruel...
Life is sooooo hard. I cannot imagine doing it without God and His grace and mercy. Christianity is a really hard path to travel within life. To do it in my own strength would be to fail repeatedly hour after hour. I would be so depressed and discouraged and disillusioned. I cannot begin to comprehend trying to do life and be a Christian without God. That must truly be hellish. Maybe thats why so many Christians fall away from God - they either never knew Him or their relationship with Him grew distant and they forgot who He truly is...
Time to draw close again.
I have resolved not to keep explaining away why this is not a regular thing - I accept that sometimes it is and sometimes its not. Thats cool with me.
So.
It was a very hard year again and I found myself at the end of it pretty much as close to burn out as you can get without being irretrievably changed in personality and capacity and I can only account for that by means of God's grace upon me. He knows my limits far better than I did and do though I pray I am more aware now too! Having taken a couple of months off - well as 'off' as I could financially survive upon - I find myself still quite easily tired and easily frustrated but with space to think and breathe and be again. I also have health which I am profoundly grateful for.
All of which means Im pondering this year and the things that happened and trying to draw truths from them...
So.
It was a very hard year again and I found myself at the end of it pretty much as close to burn out as you can get without being irretrievably changed in personality and capacity and I can only account for that by means of God's grace upon me. He knows my limits far better than I did and do though I pray I am more aware now too! Having taken a couple of months off - well as 'off' as I could financially survive upon - I find myself still quite easily tired and easily frustrated but with space to think and breathe and be again. I also have health which I am profoundly grateful for.
All of which means Im pondering this year and the things that happened and trying to draw truths from them...
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