Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Oh and God...

Being married and loving God I am finding to be an odd combination. It feels almost as if the two are oil and water... hard to mix! To love God for me is to be all consumed by Him and seeking after Him. To love a man is to be (at least for me at this point) wrapped up in seeking to serve and honour him, to please him, to seek the best for him, to encourage, to bless, to seek their pleasure above your own... - and to know that same love in return. To love a man well, requires Gods own grace and help. Can loving God be aided by loving a man in a marriage covenant relationship? I am not sure. I hope so!

I struggle to focus on God at the moment it is true. I confess I do not spend the same time reading praying and studying. I dont have the same intentional time with Him. After praying and preparing for marriage for so long I find myself wrapped up in the joy and wonder of such a blessing. I question whether it was / is an idol in my life. I wonder when my relationship with God will become dominant as it was... or will it? Should it in the same way? I am floundering.

And yet I am happy, I have joy, I praise God for His goodness to us. I desire to be close to Him in new ways, while struggling to know how to reach this. And I am intensely grateful that He is so gracious and forgiving of us in this transition time =)

Praise the Lord for He is good beyond measure and understanding and this I know too well xoxox

Married =)

It certainly feels like a lifetime since I have written in this spot. Strange how time can be so short and yet so packed with learning and experiences. Strange to be sitting at a keyboard staring at the keys and unsure of what to say. Strange to have done so much and be blank.

Talking about strange things I think one of the strangest things about being married is my relationships with other people. Pre marriage I was very close to my family - especially the female members. I spent a lot of time with female friends. I hung out with families and flatmates. In the build up to the wedding I became completely 'peopled' out and the busier we got the more people were around!

Come post wedding it was like I was in a vacuum and initially it was great! We loved spending time away from the demands of being social and active. We still do. But we need others in to create balance and somehow it was if none (read none as 98% of people, a couple did) of the people who were soo close pre relationship and pre marriage were seeking us out any more. I would make contact and invite people round and then nothing - no reciprocal invites, no attempts to communicate... just... nothing. Weird. It's starting to change now, partly cos I commented on it to a couple of lovely ladies and one chose to act on it, but, well, I wonder. Did I give off vibes? Did people just incorrectly assume we would contact them if we wanted to see them? Did I do this to them when they got married and they just thought well we better return the favour? Weird.

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

1 month in

It's been over a month and well even just reading my last blog is kinda amusing. It feels like soooo much time and thought has passed and everything is progressing full steam ahead. Nothing is as I thought it might be. I, like many others I suspect, have been guilty of daydreaming about 'the one' for years. Not that I actually believe there is a perfect 'one' - I believe that we choose to love someone for a lifetime and we keep choosing to do that for the rest of our lives through the good and bad times. Some people are easier to love than others is all...

Anyway I digress. Thing is I never considered what it might be like to date someone I have known for years, have seen their character be shaped and formed, have enjoyed a close friendship with, and just, well, know so well. I am definitely learning new things about him every day but I am already confident in his being who he says he is. I've seen his loyalty, his faithfulness, his generosity and indeed his faults and flaws all within the context of several years. I've seen them without the disadvantage of rose coloured glasses (which I am surely wearing now!) and I have been impressed. That alone gives me huge confidence in our future. It allows me to consider the future now rather than needing to wait longer to see who he is within the great discernment of time.

I never considered this option so now I'm floundering a little. What is too fast? What is too slow? What is best for him? For us? For me? What does God ask of us in this situation? Nothing like being out of ones comfort zone though for forcing reliance upon God!

And I am sooo grateful to God. He has brought us to this decision making point, He has guided our steps, He has helped form me into a woman confident in Him and able to stand up for what I believe in with the strength to follow His will, He has moulded our relationship right from the start and He is the connection that brings us together. God alone can ease my uncertainty, insecurities, fears and frustrations and unlike others He is ALWAYS with me. So I praise and thank and love and depend upon you God more now than ever!!!

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

The world has changed

Or at least my perspective has! Amazing how in a week you can go from deep unsettled confusion to sheer joy to 'what now?'. I have never experienced anything like it. Wow.

So for a long time I have had feelings for a guy but had learnt to dismiss them because I KNEW that a relationship with him was not a good idea. We share beliefs, close friends, community, a sense of humour, a history of close friendship built over 4 years and have similar desires and plans for the future BUT I had many people advise me that a relationship was not a good idea. And in all honesty they were right. It wasn't... I felt more like his leader than his equal and I simply was not attracted to him in 'that' way.

After moving to a different city we stayed friends - I don't think either of us would have handled it if we hadn't given that we had crossed a few friend boundaries to the extent that I treated him more like I would another girlfriend in terms of depth of sharing and emotional dependency. In this time distance grew inevitably and I was able to learn a LOT about myself. I think the same is true for him. Moving back helped open my eyes to qualities I had not seen in him and suddenly the confusion and uncertainty was too much and I did something I never ever thought I would do... I went to him and exposed my vulnerability in a very awkward and difficult way - I expressed my change in feelings and desire to either end all friendship ties or consider a relationship.

I had reached the end of my tether. I simply could not deal with the 'what if's' any longer! Amazingly he didn't automatically say no nor did he say yes - he asked questions, he requested time to think, he suggested we talk with others and gain their opinions, and also that we pray. Wow. He has grown soooo much in his maturity and suddenly I was seeing a much more serious intentional side of him than ever before. Talk about attractive.

So thats what we did last week - and the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. Amazing. As we have shared with family and friends, mentors, and accountability partners the response is joyful, encouraging and echos 'about time' lol. Who knew? Not me!

He has asked me to be his 'girlfriend', we have placed boundaries in to safe guard us, we are seeking advice on how to proceed from here and we are working on streamlining our lives...

All of which is new and amazing and feels so good but, and its a 'but' I think that is going to keep coming up lol, I'm now in a state of what next? Have we missed something? What could we do to make this best in God's eyes? How am I supposed to behave now? What if my feelings are misleading me? What if what if what if. Oops. Time to work on trusting God I guess - and on enjoying the moment!

Friday, 21 May 2010


Today I am sitting and trying to be still and know that God is God. Unfortunately my head is racing with thoughts so I have decided to write them down as I go and then dismiss them as I contemplate.

I now work full time as a Clinical Research Officer - completing psychometric assessments of children with brain injuries for the purposes of research. Its great work, fulfilling a lot of the time, certainly interesting, and has the potential to change how health care is done in my country - yet I feel like I am constantly struggling with the need to 'fit God in', to still be growing in my relationship with Him, and constantly failing in this as I run out of energy, inclination and enthusiasm.

I have all this knowledge of Him - and of ways to connect with Him. I have a fantastic local church which helps me connect with Him and challenges me. I have a developing circle of friends and mentors, I have an existing circle of close friends who are honest with me around my failings. And still I struggle.

I wonder if this is normal. I wonder if there is a better way - if I am missing something fundamental. I guess I know I have never developed the basic habits that would help sustain me - regular bible reading, regular prayer times, memorisation of scripture, the things we hear about year after year. Thing is my sinful nature doesn't want to carve out time and energy - it wants to sleep!!!

Lord, I'm sorry.

I also know I have lost the big picture - I'm like a Hamster working hard out to spin a stationary ball round and round day after day, week after week. All I can see is the here and now. I've forgotten that You are the one who matters. That Your master plan has been in motion for centuries and that simply to know You, to be in relationship with You, is the greatest honour. To also know that You have invited me to live as a member of Your Kingdom, to participate in this huge story of life and living and grace and love blows my mind. Please Lord help me to keep this knowledge deep in my heart and soul - make it my motivation for living, breathing, being.

Please help me to be still. To know. You are God.

Monday, 14 December 2009

Time to 'be'

I finished study just under two weeks ago and its been quite a challenge. I really managed to exhaust myself mentally, physically, emotionally and yes spiritually this time round. Having moved back to the Waikato and taken time to sleep and sleep and sleeeep I now find myself gradually gaining energy and interest in life again. I have also managed to find work for next year and space to get back into shape beforehand. All of which is great. After a year away and studying at a completely different level though I find myself out of synch with who I thought I was. I don't seem to fit in anywhere at the moment and I'm kind of reluctant to simply revert back to the status quo of relationships and the existence of a year ago. In some ways its great to be out of the comfort zones and able to evaluate and analyze - after all analysis is one of my strengths and I find it fascinating - in other ways its awkward and unsettling and I feel like I have no one able to guide me through... and I like being told what to expect and how to approach stuff.

I'm contemplating writing some Christian fiction works just to try it, but I fear this may be a form of escapism at a time when I really need to be processing and defining myself anew for the next year. We will see.

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Last class.

Been studying Philippians all semester in Master's class and today was the last lecture. I'm kinda sad about that to be honest as have loved pretty much everything about this course. The lecturer, the weekly interaction, the diversity of people in the class, the morning breaks, and most of all the content.

I have never studied an entire book in this way before - I did the Pentateuch but that's 5 books! So my eyes were truly opened!!! To spend time setting everything in context, to look at individual words like grace and joy and thinking, to trace themes throughout the book and indeed Paul's other letters, it was all incredibly rewarding. I had never seen the theme of unity in Philippians let alone other letters so to realise that this may indeed be the biggest focus was kinda mindblowing. Ultimately its changed the way I read the bible, the questions I ask, and the way I live my life in light of it.

Philippians 1v27 states:

Only, live your life in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that, whether I come and see you or am absent and hear about you, I will know that you are standing firm in one spirit, striving side by side with one mind for the faith of the gospel.1.

I think at the moment this is the crux of my Christian life. Or at least I want it to be. To live in such a way that my life is worthy of the gospel? Of Christ? Standing firmly on this knowledge in one spirit, not swaying from side to side, but working with my church in unity and oneness with them for the 'faith' of the gospel (that is the defense and proclamation of the gospel)? It's a huge call. But it's also non-negotiable. To not do so is to be spit out as lukewarm.

Having spent so much time reading and listening and discussing this book I think I now understand some of what Paul was driving at. I'm shocked, I'm frustrated, I'm scared, but I'm also encouraged and fueled up and passionate about living a life that is worthy, following Paul's example, and sharing this with those I am privileged to journey with...

1.(The Holy Bible : New Revised Standard Version. 1996, c1989 . Thomas Nelson: Nashville)