I finished study just under two weeks ago and its been quite a challenge. I really managed to exhaust myself mentally, physically, emotionally and yes spiritually this time round. Having moved back to the Waikato and taken time to sleep and sleep and sleeeep I now find myself gradually gaining energy and interest in life again. I have also managed to find work for next year and space to get back into shape beforehand. All of which is great. After a year away and studying at a completely different level though I find myself out of synch with who I thought I was. I don't seem to fit in anywhere at the moment and I'm kind of reluctant to simply revert back to the status quo of relationships and the existence of a year ago. In some ways its great to be out of the comfort zones and able to evaluate and analyze - after all analysis is one of my strengths and I find it fascinating - in other ways its awkward and unsettling and I feel like I have no one able to guide me through... and I like being told what to expect and how to approach stuff.
I'm contemplating writing some Christian fiction works just to try it, but I fear this may be a form of escapism at a time when I really need to be processing and defining myself anew for the next year. We will see.
Monday, 14 December 2009
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Last class.
Been studying Philippians all semester in Master's class and today was the last lecture. I'm kinda sad about that to be honest as have loved pretty much everything about this course. The lecturer, the weekly interaction, the diversity of people in the class, the morning breaks, and most of all the content.
I have never studied an entire book in this way before - I did the Pentateuch but that's 5 books! So my eyes were truly opened!!! To spend time setting everything in context, to look at individual words like grace and joy and thinking, to trace themes throughout the book and indeed Paul's other letters, it was all incredibly rewarding. I had never seen the theme of unity in Philippians let alone other letters so to realise that this may indeed be the biggest focus was kinda mindblowing. Ultimately its changed the way I read the bible, the questions I ask, and the way I live my life in light of it.
Philippians 1v27 states:
Only, live your life in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that, whether I come and see you or am absent and hear about you, I will know that you are standing firm in one spirit, striving side by side with one mind for the faith of the gospel.1.
I think at the moment this is the crux of my Christian life. Or at least I want it to be. To live in such a way that my life is worthy of the gospel? Of Christ? Standing firmly on this knowledge in one spirit, not swaying from side to side, but working with my church in unity and oneness with them for the 'faith' of the gospel (that is the defense and proclamation of the gospel)? It's a huge call. But it's also non-negotiable. To not do so is to be spit out as lukewarm.
Having spent so much time reading and listening and discussing this book I think I now understand some of what Paul was driving at. I'm shocked, I'm frustrated, I'm scared, but I'm also encouraged and fueled up and passionate about living a life that is worthy, following Paul's example, and sharing this with those I am privileged to journey with...
1.(The Holy Bible : New Revised Standard Version. 1996, c1989 . Thomas Nelson: Nashville)
I have never studied an entire book in this way before - I did the Pentateuch but that's 5 books! So my eyes were truly opened!!! To spend time setting everything in context, to look at individual words like grace and joy and thinking, to trace themes throughout the book and indeed Paul's other letters, it was all incredibly rewarding. I had never seen the theme of unity in Philippians let alone other letters so to realise that this may indeed be the biggest focus was kinda mindblowing. Ultimately its changed the way I read the bible, the questions I ask, and the way I live my life in light of it.
Philippians 1v27 states:
Only, live your life in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that, whether I come and see you or am absent and hear about you, I will know that you are standing firm in one spirit, striving side by side with one mind for the faith of the gospel.1.
I think at the moment this is the crux of my Christian life. Or at least I want it to be. To live in such a way that my life is worthy of the gospel? Of Christ? Standing firmly on this knowledge in one spirit, not swaying from side to side, but working with my church in unity and oneness with them for the 'faith' of the gospel (that is the defense and proclamation of the gospel)? It's a huge call. But it's also non-negotiable. To not do so is to be spit out as lukewarm.
Having spent so much time reading and listening and discussing this book I think I now understand some of what Paul was driving at. I'm shocked, I'm frustrated, I'm scared, but I'm also encouraged and fueled up and passionate about living a life that is worthy, following Paul's example, and sharing this with those I am privileged to journey with...
1.(The Holy Bible : New Revised Standard Version. 1996, c1989 . Thomas Nelson: Nashville)
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
Irony
Yesterday I had a great day. Today was utter crap. Why? Why do I make choices that are good sometimes and bad at others? And why do I react so differently?
Yesterday I got up, greeted God, ate breakfast, cleaned, read my bible, got into study, ate regularly during the day. It was a good day, I felt productive and like I was closer to God.
Today I got up, fiddled around on the computer, ate breakfast, and then decided to read some more of my 'relax' novel. Hours later I was kinda hungry, but I managed to while away more hours, eventually went out shopped, cooked dinner and then watched tv till now when I should be asleep.
I feel angry and disappointed yet resigned to my choices. It's like I gave up. Rather than draw near to God I wanted to punish myself - to force myself to do better. Yet I could hear Him calling me, asking me whether this punishment was His plan and asking what the true nature of sin is.
Sin, I know, is putting me before God. I was forced to realise that just as the choices I made today to put my pleasure before spending time with Him, listening for His guidance, were sinful; so is my desire to punish myself and wallow in guilt and condemnation. These things don't draw me to Him - they shame me, pull me further from God, and so result in me repeating the sin of control, pride and self-determination. Breaking this cycle requires an act of will - of choosing to listen to God and to be obedient. It's hard - but its good I think.
I'm currently really struggling with self-control and I think that part of the reason is that the concept suggests that its all about my 'self' being in control. In reality I know from experience that its about choices. Choosing God, choosing to wake and greet, to chat, to include, to seek after, to love God. When I do this from the start of my day 'self' is not the one in control. God is. Maybe tomorrow I will find a new term for this to help keep my eyes on God.
Thinking this through 'outloud' helps. Hopefully in the future I will remember after I fall down that punishing myself is sinful too and I will learn to go to God first. After all its where I always end up - might as well take the shortcut!
Yesterday I got up, greeted God, ate breakfast, cleaned, read my bible, got into study, ate regularly during the day. It was a good day, I felt productive and like I was closer to God.
Today I got up, fiddled around on the computer, ate breakfast, and then decided to read some more of my 'relax' novel. Hours later I was kinda hungry, but I managed to while away more hours, eventually went out shopped, cooked dinner and then watched tv till now when I should be asleep.
I feel angry and disappointed yet resigned to my choices. It's like I gave up. Rather than draw near to God I wanted to punish myself - to force myself to do better. Yet I could hear Him calling me, asking me whether this punishment was His plan and asking what the true nature of sin is.
Sin, I know, is putting me before God. I was forced to realise that just as the choices I made today to put my pleasure before spending time with Him, listening for His guidance, were sinful; so is my desire to punish myself and wallow in guilt and condemnation. These things don't draw me to Him - they shame me, pull me further from God, and so result in me repeating the sin of control, pride and self-determination. Breaking this cycle requires an act of will - of choosing to listen to God and to be obedient. It's hard - but its good I think.
I'm currently really struggling with self-control and I think that part of the reason is that the concept suggests that its all about my 'self' being in control. In reality I know from experience that its about choices. Choosing God, choosing to wake and greet, to chat, to include, to seek after, to love God. When I do this from the start of my day 'self' is not the one in control. God is. Maybe tomorrow I will find a new term for this to help keep my eyes on God.
Thinking this through 'outloud' helps. Hopefully in the future I will remember after I fall down that punishing myself is sinful too and I will learn to go to God first. After all its where I always end up - might as well take the shortcut!
Monday, 5 October 2009
So why sacrifice in the Old Testament? Why kill animals? And how on earth does Jesus dying really equate with sacrifice???
So why sacrifice in the Old Testament? Why kill animals? And how on earth does Jesus dying really equate with sacrifice???
According to Chris Marshall this stuff all has to do with justice and I think I agree with him – well most of the time =). When the whole sacrificial system came in to existence it was as a result of Israel’s sin. (Meaning the nation – not just the person!). God had chosen to enter into a covenant – a special relationship – with Abraham and all of his descendents (the ultimate purpose of which was to restore all people to relationship with God). Problem was their sin (placing their own agenda’s before God’s) meant that they kept breaking the covenant – living in ways that God simply could not agree with (duh our agenda always pales in comparison with God’s!). To restore their relationship God had to provide a system through which they could show their regret and well repentance really and commitment to putting Him first. IN ADDITION Marshall suggests that sin was (and is) like an infectious disease, spreading quickly from person to person. So not only did God need a way for the people to show repentance but He needed it to halt sin spreading in its tracks – providing cleansing.
Hence we have the sacrifice system where the people of God would bring an offering to God (be it whatever type of food or drink or animal that the law required though the more serious sins required the shedding of lifeblood), and through participating in the ritual publicly at the temple repentance was demonstrated, God was able to forgive, sin’s spread was stopped and the ‘disease’ was cleansed from the community, and ultimately relationship with God where God and His agenda are placed first was restored.
Thing was this system had its limits and the people kept falling into deep sin over and over and over again. God needed to create a way to enable all people to be in relationship with Him and halt sin altogether. It was clear we human’s were unable to do this so He himself had to come down, live as a man, and die. It is this act that cleanses us all from sin and enables sin to be removed from community. HOWEVER just as in the sacrificial system God requires us to participate in this with repentance and choosing to follow Him, putting His agenda first. We do this by declaring that we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, accepting His sacrifice on our behalf and choosing to follow Him with our lives – putting Him first in all things. In addition we do this publicly and in community – hence baptism and the need to be a part of the Church.
By joining our belief and lives with Christ’s sacrifice, death, and resurrection we are forgiven by God and able to live freely in relationship with Him, as was always His plan. Quite clever really.
According to Chris Marshall this stuff all has to do with justice and I think I agree with him – well most of the time =). When the whole sacrificial system came in to existence it was as a result of Israel’s sin. (Meaning the nation – not just the person!). God had chosen to enter into a covenant – a special relationship – with Abraham and all of his descendents (the ultimate purpose of which was to restore all people to relationship with God). Problem was their sin (placing their own agenda’s before God’s) meant that they kept breaking the covenant – living in ways that God simply could not agree with (duh our agenda always pales in comparison with God’s!). To restore their relationship God had to provide a system through which they could show their regret and well repentance really and commitment to putting Him first. IN ADDITION Marshall suggests that sin was (and is) like an infectious disease, spreading quickly from person to person. So not only did God need a way for the people to show repentance but He needed it to halt sin spreading in its tracks – providing cleansing.
Hence we have the sacrifice system where the people of God would bring an offering to God (be it whatever type of food or drink or animal that the law required though the more serious sins required the shedding of lifeblood), and through participating in the ritual publicly at the temple repentance was demonstrated, God was able to forgive, sin’s spread was stopped and the ‘disease’ was cleansed from the community, and ultimately relationship with God where God and His agenda are placed first was restored.
Thing was this system had its limits and the people kept falling into deep sin over and over and over again. God needed to create a way to enable all people to be in relationship with Him and halt sin altogether. It was clear we human’s were unable to do this so He himself had to come down, live as a man, and die. It is this act that cleanses us all from sin and enables sin to be removed from community. HOWEVER just as in the sacrificial system God requires us to participate in this with repentance and choosing to follow Him, putting His agenda first. We do this by declaring that we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, accepting His sacrifice on our behalf and choosing to follow Him with our lives – putting Him first in all things. In addition we do this publicly and in community – hence baptism and the need to be a part of the Church.
By joining our belief and lives with Christ’s sacrifice, death, and resurrection we are forgiven by God and able to live freely in relationship with Him, as was always His plan. Quite clever really.
Saturday, 3 October 2009
Sluggards and Introverts
Listened to a message based on the character of the sluggard in Proverbs a little while ago by Joshua Harris (yes the guy who wrote I kissed dating goodbye etc etc). I found it quite interesting for a number of reasons - I haven't heard a series of sermons come from a book of the bible let alone an OT book in NZ for yonks and yonks, I certainly haven't heard a topical sermon talk about laziness and the actions of a 'sluggard', and what Josh actually spoke on within this topic surprised me. I expected to hear all about the couch potato attitude, and certainly that was raised, but he also talked about active procrastination as being the work of a sluggard which perked my ears up =) being an area I and virtually everyone I know struggles with on and off (me typically more on!).
Josh suggested that putting off a task that is important but not as urgent as other tasks seem in the moment is as much the behaviour of a 'sluggard' as sitting on a couch and being too lazy to get to the tv and change the channel when the remote's missing. Hmmm. So me cleaning my room, encouraging a friend, cooking a meal etc when I need to study or make a phone call to the dentist is as sinful as sitting and doing nothing...
On the surface it seems ridiculous. Yet sin is not divisible into individual acts - it's not the act of cleaning that's a sin nor is it the act of sitting on a couch - sin is the attitude or belief that my want's and need's are more important than God's intentions for me. Sin is seeing me above God. It's this belief that my need to avoid 'work' or 'suffering' or 'embarassment' 'etc' is more important than seeking God's desires that then leads to my actions of cleaning, encouraging and cooking and the like. This is the sin. This is the thinking of a sluggard. Ouch.
Josh suggested that putting off a task that is important but not as urgent as other tasks seem in the moment is as much the behaviour of a 'sluggard' as sitting on a couch and being too lazy to get to the tv and change the channel when the remote's missing. Hmmm. So me cleaning my room, encouraging a friend, cooking a meal etc when I need to study or make a phone call to the dentist is as sinful as sitting and doing nothing...
On the surface it seems ridiculous. Yet sin is not divisible into individual acts - it's not the act of cleaning that's a sin nor is it the act of sitting on a couch - sin is the attitude or belief that my want's and need's are more important than God's intentions for me. Sin is seeing me above God. It's this belief that my need to avoid 'work' or 'suffering' or 'embarassment' 'etc' is more important than seeking God's desires that then leads to my actions of cleaning, encouraging and cooking and the like. This is the sin. This is the thinking of a sluggard. Ouch.
Monday, 14 September 2009
A change in perspective
It would seem that I am constantly changing and learning and growing. It almost feels redundant to remark upon it but for some reason I seem to expect it to stop and almost feel deficient when it doesn't! Such is my pride :s
Recently it has felt like I have been existing in a dark hole. I came under spiritual attack and due to ongoing sickness, tiredness, confusion and a slow slipping away from time spent with God apart from study. I found that I was open to attack and unable to recognise what was happening. Once I did realise with God's strength and wisdom it was stopped but the consequences of the attack continued to have physical repercussions - exhaustion, inability to sleep, increased pain levels and deep depression fueled by intense loneliness.
Although I wanted to break the cycle the reality was that I didn't have the spiritual, physical, mental or emotional reserves to do so. For me this seems to be a continued pattern - as soon as I learn to recognise the work of satan in my life and how to place myself in God's protection it seems attack comes from another area but with the same results.
Anyway the result of all of this is that God has been using this time to not only let me experience the natural consequences of my sin (read distance in relationship with Him - not individual acts per say as the acts themselves are simply a result and perpetuation of sin, its the attitude or the intention behind them and revealed in them that is sin) but also to reveal to me a distortion in my thinking.
When we have alter calls or pray prayers of salvation we tend to ask God into our hearts and lives. This is all very well and good but I now think that this is only a partial truth. Not only do we let God into our lives but we do this in order that He would restore us to His plan for us - we are asking Him to help us repent (turn from ourselves and into relationship with Him) and to walk in His ways. In doing so we actually enter into the story of the bible - God gives us entrace into the Kingdom of Heaven (in the now and not yet tension lol) - and we commit to living in God's story not our own.
I have been worrying the issue of 'calling' over in my mind for years (worrying in the sense of a dog worrying a bone that is constantly returning to it, knawing at it, burying it and then digging it up again to consider it in new lights...) all from the perspective of God being a part of my life not considering myself in light of the biblical story as a whole. When I read the genealogies I didn't see how they linked me into the big picture or how they would have caused the initial Jewish readers to feel a part of the ongoing relationship between God and themselves thus helping them take ownership and actively participate in this big ongoing narrative.
God has been slowly helping me turn my focus around and learn to ask how He would have me contribute to this amazing story. I'm not quite so worried about doing things in my own strength now or working out My Calling or what career or paths He has set out for Me to achieve - I'm more interested in just trusting and obeying in the little things knowing that they are contributing to a story I can't even begin to comprehend at the moment. It's both comforting and awe-inspiring to know that I am just one person in a story that includes people like Noah and Daniel and Leah and Rachel... when I meet them in Heaven and talk to them about how I lived on this earth I don't want to boast about my awesome ministry (with God's help of course lol) or the millions I helped witness to - I want to talk to them about how I listened to God and I did what He asked of me with a pure heart knowing that He would reveal all in time.
Not my life - but His grand story
Not my achievements - His love
Not my failures - His grace and purposes
Mmm I have found such peace and joy as this is slowly becoming real and true for me, Thank you Lord.
Recently it has felt like I have been existing in a dark hole. I came under spiritual attack and due to ongoing sickness, tiredness, confusion and a slow slipping away from time spent with God apart from study. I found that I was open to attack and unable to recognise what was happening. Once I did realise with God's strength and wisdom it was stopped but the consequences of the attack continued to have physical repercussions - exhaustion, inability to sleep, increased pain levels and deep depression fueled by intense loneliness.
Although I wanted to break the cycle the reality was that I didn't have the spiritual, physical, mental or emotional reserves to do so. For me this seems to be a continued pattern - as soon as I learn to recognise the work of satan in my life and how to place myself in God's protection it seems attack comes from another area but with the same results.
Anyway the result of all of this is that God has been using this time to not only let me experience the natural consequences of my sin (read distance in relationship with Him - not individual acts per say as the acts themselves are simply a result and perpetuation of sin, its the attitude or the intention behind them and revealed in them that is sin) but also to reveal to me a distortion in my thinking.
When we have alter calls or pray prayers of salvation we tend to ask God into our hearts and lives. This is all very well and good but I now think that this is only a partial truth. Not only do we let God into our lives but we do this in order that He would restore us to His plan for us - we are asking Him to help us repent (turn from ourselves and into relationship with Him) and to walk in His ways. In doing so we actually enter into the story of the bible - God gives us entrace into the Kingdom of Heaven (in the now and not yet tension lol) - and we commit to living in God's story not our own.
I have been worrying the issue of 'calling' over in my mind for years (worrying in the sense of a dog worrying a bone that is constantly returning to it, knawing at it, burying it and then digging it up again to consider it in new lights...) all from the perspective of God being a part of my life not considering myself in light of the biblical story as a whole. When I read the genealogies I didn't see how they linked me into the big picture or how they would have caused the initial Jewish readers to feel a part of the ongoing relationship between God and themselves thus helping them take ownership and actively participate in this big ongoing narrative.
God has been slowly helping me turn my focus around and learn to ask how He would have me contribute to this amazing story. I'm not quite so worried about doing things in my own strength now or working out My Calling or what career or paths He has set out for Me to achieve - I'm more interested in just trusting and obeying in the little things knowing that they are contributing to a story I can't even begin to comprehend at the moment. It's both comforting and awe-inspiring to know that I am just one person in a story that includes people like Noah and Daniel and Leah and Rachel... when I meet them in Heaven and talk to them about how I lived on this earth I don't want to boast about my awesome ministry (with God's help of course lol) or the millions I helped witness to - I want to talk to them about how I listened to God and I did what He asked of me with a pure heart knowing that He would reveal all in time.
Not my life - but His grand story
Not my achievements - His love
Not my failures - His grace and purposes
Mmm I have found such peace and joy as this is slowly becoming real and true for me, Thank you Lord.
Friday, 7 August 2009
Word = alive = Life
Sometimes I am simply astounded at God!!!
I have been quite reticent in my basic disciplines of the faith - to use Christianeese! In other words I have been pretty lazy when it comes to reading my bible and praying in times set aside just for these habits. Praying is something that seems to have been coming increasingly habitual during life in general and so I find myself talking with God more and more, its something I just cant NOT do it would seem. I haven't been too worried about making it a 'have to do' listed item for the day as a result. I know its something that can be improved but its not weighing heavily in my heart.
Reading my bible on the other hand has ALWAYS been a struggle for me. It just seemed kinda a route activity and a bit hit and miss with whether it interested me or made any influence on my life. I knew it was important and so I would always try to spend time in it but when I started doing papers at Bible College study meant I could be lazy and justify my study and course time in the Word as being enough. Anywho I have recently resolved that I would like to spend time each day following the Anglican practice of reading 1 chapter from OT, NT and the Gospels so 3 in total. I started reading in John and just began to read John 5 and it was as if the Word has become alive!!! Thank the Lord for all the study and context and well understanding I have gained through studying at college because now I am SOOOO excited to read more! What a blessing, what was a have to is now love to YAY!
I have been quite reticent in my basic disciplines of the faith - to use Christianeese! In other words I have been pretty lazy when it comes to reading my bible and praying in times set aside just for these habits. Praying is something that seems to have been coming increasingly habitual during life in general and so I find myself talking with God more and more, its something I just cant NOT do it would seem. I haven't been too worried about making it a 'have to do' listed item for the day as a result. I know its something that can be improved but its not weighing heavily in my heart.
Reading my bible on the other hand has ALWAYS been a struggle for me. It just seemed kinda a route activity and a bit hit and miss with whether it interested me or made any influence on my life. I knew it was important and so I would always try to spend time in it but when I started doing papers at Bible College study meant I could be lazy and justify my study and course time in the Word as being enough. Anywho I have recently resolved that I would like to spend time each day following the Anglican practice of reading 1 chapter from OT, NT and the Gospels so 3 in total. I started reading in John and just began to read John 5 and it was as if the Word has become alive!!! Thank the Lord for all the study and context and well understanding I have gained through studying at college because now I am SOOOO excited to read more! What a blessing, what was a have to is now love to YAY!
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