The world has changed

Or at least my perspective has! Amazing how in a week you can go from deep unsettled confusion to sheer joy to 'what now?'. I have never experienced anything like it. Wow.

So for a long time I have had feelings for a guy but had learnt to dismiss them because I KNEW that a relationship with him was not a good idea. We share beliefs, close friends, community, a sense of humour, a history of close friendship built over 4 years and have similar desires and plans for the future BUT I had many people advise me that a relationship was not a good idea. And in all honesty they were right. It wasn't... I felt more like his leader than his equal and I simply was not attracted to him in 'that' way.

After moving to a different city we stayed friends - I don't think either of us would have handled it if we hadn't given that we had crossed a few friend boundaries to the extent that I treated him more like I would another girlfriend in terms of depth of sharing and emotional dependency. In this time distance grew inevitably and I was able to learn a LOT about myself. I think the same is true for him. Moving back helped open my eyes to qualities I had not seen in him and suddenly the confusion and uncertainty was too much and I did something I never ever thought I would do... I went to him and exposed my vulnerability in a very awkward and difficult way - I expressed my change in feelings and desire to either end all friendship ties or consider a relationship.

I had reached the end of my tether. I simply could not deal with the 'what if's' any longer! Amazingly he didn't automatically say no nor did he say yes - he asked questions, he requested time to think, he suggested we talk with others and gain their opinions, and also that we pray. Wow. He has grown soooo much in his maturity and suddenly I was seeing a much more serious intentional side of him than ever before. Talk about attractive.

So thats what we did last week - and the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. Amazing. As we have shared with family and friends, mentors, and accountability partners the response is joyful, encouraging and echos 'about time' lol. Who knew? Not me!

He has asked me to be his 'girlfriend', we have placed boundaries in to safe guard us, we are seeking advice on how to proceed from here and we are working on streamlining our lives...

All of which is new and amazing and feels so good but, and its a 'but' I think that is going to keep coming up lol, I'm now in a state of what next? Have we missed something? What could we do to make this best in God's eyes? How am I supposed to behave now? What if my feelings are misleading me? What if what if what if. Oops. Time to work on trusting God I guess - and on enjoying the moment!