Decisions... at 2am?!?!

I simply could not sleep last night and I almost blogged then but decided to read my bible instead - no not a 'holy' response rather a desperate hunger for God born partly out of a lack of time spent in the bible recently. I came up here to study absolutely passionate about research into the family and violence and behavioural cycles and spiritual cycles and legacies passsed down and I am finding now Im here and actually can study these things that I am no longer passionate about them - its like its not an urgent response within me. Instead I am kinda obsessed with the church, with salvation, with the need to confront religiosity within myself and within others, with the need to preach a message of repentance of self-sufficiency and of the continual need to do battle with sin and rely upon God's grace... in short a message for satisfied christians of whom I often am one. A message that I needed to hear and continue to need to hear and its kinda burning in me. I dont want to do my assignments and yet when I do they fit into this story, this message. I dont want to focus on what I ought to - I am devouring podcasts from a variety of sources, Christian fiction is really speaking to my heart, I am intrigued by books from a variety of sources and each area seems to just all feed into one cohesive whole...

So what do I do?!?! Seriously this is destroying my sleep, consuming my thoughts and leaving me vaguely feeling dismay and guilt that I am not achieving what I thought I set out to do and yet its so fulfilling to keep pursuing this stuff. Oh Lord please help me draw nearer to You and develop the fruit of self-discipline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dang.

Revelation = deconstruction of self

Im currently sitting under my desk in my room - seemed nice for a change of position lol - and reflecting on the past couple of weeks listening to a love songs CD compilation full of songs I love but wouldnt classify as 'love' songs go figure!

I had lunch with friends yesterday and then chatted with a couple of 'newbie friends' and then finished the day on phone with closest friends. Sitting here I realised that how I relate to each group is completely different and, though no less genuine, varied in terms of guardedness. Hmmm.

Then I realised that I really am going through a period of de and re construction really. All the things that I thought made up 'me' but were really circumstantial or brought about by establishing operations are being broken down and lost without those circumstances here in Auckland and so I feel lost and confused and adrift. Yet at the same time I am striving to adapt to the new and so I am being reconstructed - not so much losing stuff just having it reorganised and reshaped. All of which means its an awesome opportunity to grow even more intertwined to God and be more holy or set apart to Him but also requires time and intentionality and space and well pain.

Its weird - talking on the phone last night my friends reminded me of who I was, of the convictions I had before moving, of the values I hold and it was like wow yes thats right... it brought back my equilibrium a bit. Up till then i was so busy adapting I was losing sense of who I am at base and so I think I need to spend time working on that a bit. All of this self-work that I never realised I would need to do. Which is actually quite inconvenient really cos I desperately need to get organised and ready for block course and am in the process of job interviews and stuff none of which I think are quite right for me and this time in my life. Oh well at least Im learning and growing, lol.

Tired

I'm actually really tired - wanted to blog today but really and truly not much happened to make me pause... I started out creating art from scripture, went to a meeting, had lunch and then went road tripping with Elizabeth, came home, had a long chat with Hannah, had dinner, watched Amazing Grace with heaps of people, fringed on a pillow fight, watched half of wall-e and now to bed. Fascinating stuff. Tomorrow I drive back to the mighty Waikato and I have mixed feelings bout that. We will see. I'm feeling a lot better about the Halls but maybe will blog about that when my mind is cleaner. As in less full and tired and fuzzy. Oh and last night I was blessed by the gift of a friend - through prayer, words and finances all of which humbled me mightily. God is so gracious regardless of my holiness ie set-apart-to-Himness or lack thereof and the family of God is such a blessing and a strength. Romans 12:9-13 is such a challenge and a blessing =)

luv and hugs
tired me

Movie night

Had my first three hour lecture on Monday night and well 3 hours is a loooong time to sit and listen but it was still fascinating, I think I'm going to really enjoy the worldviews course. My only other lecture is on today from 1.30 to 4.30 and I'm looking forward to it too - and this time I have peanut m'n'm's cos my allowance came through and will pay my accomodation from now on plus my parents were able to send emergency money through finally while I wait for the other two areas to be sorted so yay and Thankyou Lord for amazingly generous parents.

Yes it seems like a frivolous thing to spend emergency money on but YOU try sitting through 3 hours of lecturing and not have something to boost your blood sugar levels and keep your mind active!

Yesterday we had a powhiri, I studied all afternoon and rewrote my cv, we had a halls-wide meeting and then watched half of 'The Castle'. Today I'm studying this morning - well soon I will be - with a lecture this arvo and then off to free movies in the park tonight. Life is pretty full which is great for taking my mind off things. I think yesterday was the first day I really felt like I was 'here' - we were finally welcomed onto campus properly and officially met everyone from the womens side living in the singles rooms plus we had the head counselling guy come talk to us about the realities of community living and well it just made it all seem real. It felt like we were all in this together... up until then it kinda felt like people would do the obligatory who are you etc convo and then avoid any other deeper conversations, now we dont have any excuses. I cant observe anymore I have to immerse myself in this and its weird but its good. Tomorrow night we have a BBQ at the laidlaw bach on Piha beach so I can only hope that will build further on this week.

I miss kids - oh boy do I miss being around kids.
I miss hugs and physical contact in general.
I miss the ease of long term relationships and friendships where I dont have to explain myself or end up hiding how I feel for fear of disturbing someone.
I miss being able to have breakfast after 8am lol.
I miss juice and milk and fresh veges and salads.
I miss being around guys and not feeling like I have to watch everything I say and do.
I miss accountability. Knowing people care enough that if I act or speak out of line they will pull me up on it.
I miss church family.
I miss being able to talk to Mum anytime I want to.
I miss being able to walk on my own.

But thats ok. It's only been a week and hey I have free counselling services if I need them!

I praise God for awesome lecturers and a caring student leadership.
I praise God that I am healthy.
I praise God for the finances that he has cleared the way to fall into place.
I praise God that I can learn and grow in Him without persecution.
I praise God for beautiful beaches and parks and peace.
I praise God for Elizabeth and Lousie and Angelene n' Ian.
I praise God for this lovely room with a garden view and thick walls!
I praise God for community and the truths that come from living in it.
I praise God for the grace he gives me every day that I might be gracious to others.
I praise God for the lovely kitchen man who gave me sushi yesterday cos I couldn't eat with everyone else.
I praise God for the car he has provided and the protection he has given it so far.
I praise God for His word and the serenity that even a single verse can provoke in my otherwise disturbed soul.
I praise God for His constant everlasting love and provision.
I praise God.

I was ok... till today

Funny how everything can be fine and then the last straw just sends you into emotional melt down. The last couple of weeks have been full of my grandparents and shifting and emotional upheaval and its only been this last two days or so that I have relaxed and unwound and had time to just be and now its finally starting to hit me.

I'm feeling constantly stressed, stressed by the new environment, new experiences, constant uncertainty and change. Stressed by the finances that just dont seem to ever be easy (my parents bank accounts are in limbo due to house change and new mortgage etc and studylink have had a fortnight and not even touched my hardship application AND my boss didnt sort out my final pay properly so missing all my holiday pay all of which means that the $731 in rent alone that I have paid Laidlaw has been a huge stretch and I have yet to work out how I will finance the rest of my life ie food, phone, petrol, books, photocopying blah blah blah for the next few weeks while it all gets sorted out), stressed by trying to find a church, stressed by driving ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I'm really just stressed and stretched all out of shape and despite the good things that are happening I am stresssssssssssed.

No great lesson or moral. Just stress.

Blast from the past

This morning I tried out my first local church. Having been to a friends birthday party last night and seen a lot of people from my first real church family there I decided I would go back to my roots a little and attend Lincoln Rd Bible Chapel of Brethren denomination. It was different. I walked in by myself, having planned to meet friends there, and stood alone for what felt like ages but was probably 3mins max. A couple of girls asked me if I was new and alone and offered to sit with me if I liked but when I said I was waiting drifted off again. Finally an older lady approached me and chatted away introducing probably 8 or so people to me and then sitting with me while I waited for my friends who were rather late. This really was inviting and friendly, a little overwhelming to meet so many people in so short a time but at the same time it meant that they all knew I was new and would be more likely to approach me if I was by myself after the service. Someone also came up and invited me to lunch to meet the elders and get to know people which, had I been more interested in the church and not had friends afterwards, I would have been tempted to attend.

I did enjoy the relaxed service style, family atmosphere and the simplicity of communion. The worship time was quite offputting with songs from my youth featuring for the majority and very little movement or physical expression evident. I mean it was lovely for a visit and the words were all meaningful and thought provoking but for a home church I would struggle week after week and I dont want to add hindrances to worshipping God if not necessary. Also it is my understanding that women do not preach or teach and certainly women did not seem to have a main role (though I may be wrong) in the running of the service. Certainly this denomination is far more complementarian than most.

All in all it is a lovely church but just not me. I went expecting that but was still pleasantly surprised by how friendly people were and am not sorry I confirmed this. So now I need to find an evening service...