Today

Today I am sitting and trying to be still and know that God is God. Unfortunately my head is racing with thoughts so I have decided to write them down as I go and then dismiss them as I contemplate.

I now work full time as a Clinical Research Officer - completing psychometric assessments of children with brain injuries for the purposes of research. Its great work, fulfilling a lot of the time, certainly interesting, and has the potential to change how health care is done in my country - yet I feel like I am constantly struggling with the need to 'fit God in', to still be growing in my relationship with Him, and constantly failing in this as I run out of energy, inclination and enthusiasm.

I have all this knowledge of Him - and of ways to connect with Him. I have a fantastic local church which helps me connect with Him and challenges me. I have a developing circle of friends and mentors, I have an existing circle of close friends who are honest with me around my failings. And still I struggle.

I wonder if this is normal. I wonder if there is a better way - if I am missing something fundamental. I guess I know I have never developed the basic habits that would help sustain me - regular bible reading, regular prayer times, memorisation of scripture, the things we hear about year after year. Thing is my sinful nature doesn't want to carve out time and energy - it wants to sleep!!!

Lord, I'm sorry.

I also know I have lost the big picture - I'm like a Hamster working hard out to spin a stationary ball round and round day after day, week after week. All I can see is the here and now. I've forgotten that You are the one who matters. That Your master plan has been in motion for centuries and that simply to know You, to be in relationship with You, is the greatest honour. To also know that You have invited me to live as a member of Your Kingdom, to participate in this huge story of life and living and grace and love blows my mind. Please Lord help me to keep this knowledge deep in my heart and soul - make it my motivation for living, breathing, being.

Please help me to be still. To know. You are God.