I simply could not sleep last night and I almost blogged then but decided to read my bible instead - no not a 'holy' response rather a desperate hunger for God born partly out of a lack of time spent in the bible recently. I came up here to study absolutely passionate about research into the family and violence and behavioural cycles and spiritual cycles and legacies passsed down and I am finding now Im here and actually can study these things that I am no longer passionate about them - its like its not an urgent response within me. Instead I am kinda obsessed with the church, with salvation, with the need to confront religiosity within myself and within others, with the need to preach a message of repentance of self-sufficiency and of the continual need to do battle with sin and rely upon God's grace... in short a message for satisfied christians of whom I often am one. A message that I needed to hear and continue to need to hear and its kinda burning in me. I dont want to do my assignments and yet when I do they fit into this story, this message. I dont want to focus on what I ought to - I am devouring podcasts from a variety of sources, Christian fiction is really speaking to my heart, I am intrigued by books from a variety of sources and each area seems to just all feed into one cohesive whole...
So what do I do?!?! Seriously this is destroying my sleep, consuming my thoughts and leaving me vaguely feeling dismay and guilt that I am not achieving what I thought I set out to do and yet its so fulfilling to keep pursuing this stuff. Oh Lord please help me draw nearer to You and develop the fruit of self-discipline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dang.
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4 comments:
You're probably not feeling the urgency as that need is being satisfied through your study. Stop and it would no doubt return.
I question if there should be such a thing as a 'satisifed Christian'. Satisfied with what? Their world? Maybe. But there is always more to do, more souls to reach, more people in need so that satisfaction is really not attainable. We can be satisfied with what our role is and enjoy that but I don't think Christians can ever find satisfaction in the sense of arriving at completion. Our work is never complete on earth. :-)
Hey Anonymous! - Curiosity is killing the cat as to who you are ;)...
...Hence the problem I have with Christians who are satisfied lol and with satisfaction in me when I am prepared to just sit and enjoy the comfort of what I know in the progress I have already made thinking I dont need to keep growing and that the major sin issues in my life are already dealt to. Its thinking like this that I want to challenge... no its more than a want its as if God is changing it into a need. Hmmm.
As to the reduction in urgency through study thing I have to say that while I would agree with you if I was actually doing that study I have only come up with a topic for a research essay that fringes on the topic I wanted to do a thesis on so it really isn't taking that role - esp as I am not even doing any work towards the topic yet, just know what I need to be doing lol. But maybe that is the problem - now its not pie in sky and reality is approaching the dream maybe its lost its appeal? Hmmmmmmmmm need to talk to a supervisor me thinks.
Maybe you need to refine your thesis topic to something more narrow? I think once you decide what that topic is you'll get excited about it. If you're not excited about it, maybe it's not the right focus for you? Talking to your supervisor sounds like a good idea.
Mmmm I'm wondering that too - not the narrow bit cos I have gone so narrow already (to the point of one verse and one body of literature which is really limited) - but the lack of excitement or 'peace' about the topic. Thanks for the input =)
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