It's been over a month and well even just reading my last blog is kinda amusing. It feels like soooo much time and thought has passed and everything is progressing full steam ahead. Nothing is as I thought it might be. I, like many others I suspect, have been guilty of daydreaming about 'the one' for years. Not that I actually believe there is a perfect 'one' - I believe that we choose to love someone for a lifetime and we keep choosing to do that for the rest of our lives through the good and bad times. Some people are easier to love than others is all...
Anyway I digress. Thing is I never considered what it might be like to date someone I have known for years, have seen their character be shaped and formed, have enjoyed a close friendship with, and just, well, know so well. I am definitely learning new things about him every day but I am already confident in his being who he says he is. I've seen his loyalty, his faithfulness, his generosity and indeed his faults and flaws all within the context of several years. I've seen them without the disadvantage of rose coloured glasses (which I am surely wearing now!) and I have been impressed. That alone gives me huge confidence in our future. It allows me to consider the future now rather than needing to wait longer to see who he is within the great discernment of time.
I never considered this option so now I'm floundering a little. What is too fast? What is too slow? What is best for him? For us? For me? What does God ask of us in this situation? Nothing like being out of ones comfort zone though for forcing reliance upon God!
And I am sooo grateful to God. He has brought us to this decision making point, He has guided our steps, He has helped form me into a woman confident in Him and able to stand up for what I believe in with the strength to follow His will, He has moulded our relationship right from the start and He is the connection that brings us together. God alone can ease my uncertainty, insecurities, fears and frustrations and unlike others He is ALWAYS with me. So I praise and thank and love and depend upon you God more now than ever!!!
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
The world has changed
Or at least my perspective has! Amazing how in a week you can go from deep unsettled confusion to sheer joy to 'what now?'. I have never experienced anything like it. Wow.
So for a long time I have had feelings for a guy but had learnt to dismiss them because I KNEW that a relationship with him was not a good idea. We share beliefs, close friends, community, a sense of humour, a history of close friendship built over 4 years and have similar desires and plans for the future BUT I had many people advise me that a relationship was not a good idea. And in all honesty they were right. It wasn't... I felt more like his leader than his equal and I simply was not attracted to him in 'that' way.
After moving to a different city we stayed friends - I don't think either of us would have handled it if we hadn't given that we had crossed a few friend boundaries to the extent that I treated him more like I would another girlfriend in terms of depth of sharing and emotional dependency. In this time distance grew inevitably and I was able to learn a LOT about myself. I think the same is true for him. Moving back helped open my eyes to qualities I had not seen in him and suddenly the confusion and uncertainty was too much and I did something I never ever thought I would do... I went to him and exposed my vulnerability in a very awkward and difficult way - I expressed my change in feelings and desire to either end all friendship ties or consider a relationship.
I had reached the end of my tether. I simply could not deal with the 'what if's' any longer! Amazingly he didn't automatically say no nor did he say yes - he asked questions, he requested time to think, he suggested we talk with others and gain their opinions, and also that we pray. Wow. He has grown soooo much in his maturity and suddenly I was seeing a much more serious intentional side of him than ever before. Talk about attractive.
So thats what we did last week - and the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. Amazing. As we have shared with family and friends, mentors, and accountability partners the response is joyful, encouraging and echos 'about time' lol. Who knew? Not me!
He has asked me to be his 'girlfriend', we have placed boundaries in to safe guard us, we are seeking advice on how to proceed from here and we are working on streamlining our lives...
All of which is new and amazing and feels so good but, and its a 'but' I think that is going to keep coming up lol, I'm now in a state of what next? Have we missed something? What could we do to make this best in God's eyes? How am I supposed to behave now? What if my feelings are misleading me? What if what if what if. Oops. Time to work on trusting God I guess - and on enjoying the moment!
So for a long time I have had feelings for a guy but had learnt to dismiss them because I KNEW that a relationship with him was not a good idea. We share beliefs, close friends, community, a sense of humour, a history of close friendship built over 4 years and have similar desires and plans for the future BUT I had many people advise me that a relationship was not a good idea. And in all honesty they were right. It wasn't... I felt more like his leader than his equal and I simply was not attracted to him in 'that' way.
After moving to a different city we stayed friends - I don't think either of us would have handled it if we hadn't given that we had crossed a few friend boundaries to the extent that I treated him more like I would another girlfriend in terms of depth of sharing and emotional dependency. In this time distance grew inevitably and I was able to learn a LOT about myself. I think the same is true for him. Moving back helped open my eyes to qualities I had not seen in him and suddenly the confusion and uncertainty was too much and I did something I never ever thought I would do... I went to him and exposed my vulnerability in a very awkward and difficult way - I expressed my change in feelings and desire to either end all friendship ties or consider a relationship.
I had reached the end of my tether. I simply could not deal with the 'what if's' any longer! Amazingly he didn't automatically say no nor did he say yes - he asked questions, he requested time to think, he suggested we talk with others and gain their opinions, and also that we pray. Wow. He has grown soooo much in his maturity and suddenly I was seeing a much more serious intentional side of him than ever before. Talk about attractive.
So thats what we did last week - and the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. Amazing. As we have shared with family and friends, mentors, and accountability partners the response is joyful, encouraging and echos 'about time' lol. Who knew? Not me!
He has asked me to be his 'girlfriend', we have placed boundaries in to safe guard us, we are seeking advice on how to proceed from here and we are working on streamlining our lives...
All of which is new and amazing and feels so good but, and its a 'but' I think that is going to keep coming up lol, I'm now in a state of what next? Have we missed something? What could we do to make this best in God's eyes? How am I supposed to behave now? What if my feelings are misleading me? What if what if what if. Oops. Time to work on trusting God I guess - and on enjoying the moment!
Friday, 21 May 2010
Today
Today I am sitting and trying to be still and know that God is God. Unfortunately my head is racing with thoughts so I have decided to write them down as I go and then dismiss them as I contemplate.
I now work full time as a Clinical Research Officer - completing psychometric assessments of children with brain injuries for the purposes of research. Its great work, fulfilling a lot of the time, certainly interesting, and has the potential to change how health care is done in my country - yet I feel like I am constantly struggling with the need to 'fit God in', to still be growing in my relationship with Him, and constantly failing in this as I run out of energy, inclination and enthusiasm.
I have all this knowledge of Him - and of ways to connect with Him. I have a fantastic local church which helps me connect with Him and challenges me. I have a developing circle of friends and mentors, I have an existing circle of close friends who are honest with me around my failings. And still I struggle.
I wonder if this is normal. I wonder if there is a better way - if I am missing something fundamental. I guess I know I have never developed the basic habits that would help sustain me - regular bible reading, regular prayer times, memorisation of scripture, the things we hear about year after year. Thing is my sinful nature doesn't want to carve out time and energy - it wants to sleep!!!
Lord, I'm sorry.
I also know I have lost the big picture - I'm like a Hamster working hard out to spin a stationary ball round and round day after day, week after week. All I can see is the here and now. I've forgotten that You are the one who matters. That Your master plan has been in motion for centuries and that simply to know You, to be in relationship with You, is the greatest honour. To also know that You have invited me to live as a member of Your Kingdom, to participate in this huge story of life and living and grace and love blows my mind. Please Lord help me to keep this knowledge deep in my heart and soul - make it my motivation for living, breathing, being.
Please help me to be still. To know. You are God.
I now work full time as a Clinical Research Officer - completing psychometric assessments of children with brain injuries for the purposes of research. Its great work, fulfilling a lot of the time, certainly interesting, and has the potential to change how health care is done in my country - yet I feel like I am constantly struggling with the need to 'fit God in', to still be growing in my relationship with Him, and constantly failing in this as I run out of energy, inclination and enthusiasm.
I have all this knowledge of Him - and of ways to connect with Him. I have a fantastic local church which helps me connect with Him and challenges me. I have a developing circle of friends and mentors, I have an existing circle of close friends who are honest with me around my failings. And still I struggle.
I wonder if this is normal. I wonder if there is a better way - if I am missing something fundamental. I guess I know I have never developed the basic habits that would help sustain me - regular bible reading, regular prayer times, memorisation of scripture, the things we hear about year after year. Thing is my sinful nature doesn't want to carve out time and energy - it wants to sleep!!!
Lord, I'm sorry.
I also know I have lost the big picture - I'm like a Hamster working hard out to spin a stationary ball round and round day after day, week after week. All I can see is the here and now. I've forgotten that You are the one who matters. That Your master plan has been in motion for centuries and that simply to know You, to be in relationship with You, is the greatest honour. To also know that You have invited me to live as a member of Your Kingdom, to participate in this huge story of life and living and grace and love blows my mind. Please Lord help me to keep this knowledge deep in my heart and soul - make it my motivation for living, breathing, being.
Please help me to be still. To know. You are God.
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