Irony

Yesterday I had a great day. Today was utter crap. Why? Why do I make choices that are good sometimes and bad at others? And why do I react so differently?

Yesterday I got up, greeted God, ate breakfast, cleaned, read my bible, got into study, ate regularly during the day. It was a good day, I felt productive and like I was closer to God.

Today I got up, fiddled around on the computer, ate breakfast, and then decided to read some more of my 'relax' novel. Hours later I was kinda hungry, but I managed to while away more hours, eventually went out shopped, cooked dinner and then watched tv till now when I should be asleep.

I feel angry and disappointed yet resigned to my choices. It's like I gave up. Rather than draw near to God I wanted to punish myself - to force myself to do better. Yet I could hear Him calling me, asking me whether this punishment was His plan and asking what the true nature of sin is.

Sin, I know, is putting me before God. I was forced to realise that just as the choices I made today to put my pleasure before spending time with Him, listening for His guidance, were sinful; so is my desire to punish myself and wallow in guilt and condemnation. These things don't draw me to Him - they shame me, pull me further from God, and so result in me repeating the sin of control, pride and self-determination. Breaking this cycle requires an act of will - of choosing to listen to God and to be obedient. It's hard - but its good I think.

I'm currently really struggling with self-control and I think that part of the reason is that the concept suggests that its all about my 'self' being in control. In reality I know from experience that its about choices. Choosing God, choosing to wake and greet, to chat, to include, to seek after, to love God. When I do this from the start of my day 'self' is not the one in control. God is. Maybe tomorrow I will find a new term for this to help keep my eyes on God.

Thinking this through 'outloud' helps. Hopefully in the future I will remember after I fall down that punishing myself is sinful too and I will learn to go to God first. After all its where I always end up - might as well take the shortcut!