Feelings

This month has been a massive rollercoaster what with financial, physical, work and study stresses and the challenge of being home and then having to leave home. Finally committing to a life of full time ministry in my mind and heart has also sent me into a hardout tail spin. Its been really interesting to try and work out why I have reacted the way I did - after an initial experience of peace and relief at committing to God again in this way I think I realised that I was suddenly facing the death of the dreams I had had from a child as to how I would live my life, the type of family experience I expected to have, the lifestyle I wanted to lead... it's all felt a bit like its been stripped from me and I guess I have been going through a bit of a grieving process.

To truly surrender a dream or series of dreams to God in favour of the apparent dreams and directions He has for me is an intensely difficult experience to go through seemingly alone - when you feel subconsciously that God is the perpetrator of your pain its rather difficult to go to Him as everything screams run the other way... I know that the commitment I have made is great and I am actively excited about it; at the same time I want my dreams too and grieve their apparent loss. It doesn't much help that the dreams themselves were not unGodly or the like either. It can be so easy to know God has the best in mind for us as we walk in relationship with Him - its completely different to realise that the best for us is not necessarily what we had in mind and heart and keep walking without missing a beat.

I hope this doesnt come across as whining - its more musing. It would seem I am slowly learning how to turn to God and surrender fully again prior to the point where I am at full physical / emotional meltdown stage and writing out my experience is part of this processing. Wow. This Christian life is way way way more complex than I ever realised when I started on the journey - in some ways I am glad I didnt know as I dont know if I would have started without also knowing the joy of experiencing God's grace, peace, joy, love, blessing... I can't begin to describe how this feels in a way anyone who hasn't conversed with Him could comprehend.

Praise the Lord - my Father, comforter, strength, and reason