Sinful selfish prideful me

Its been awhile...

I'm currently in bed nursing a tooth ache and waiting for painkillers to kick in and pondering some of the stuff thats been going on in my life in the last six months and I came to the conclusion that writing stuff down has helped me clarify in the past so here goes.

Communication. Its key. I know that have known it and have prided myself on it but I have discovered recently that I'm only as good as the person hearing me! So heres the story:

I work in a situation where effectively I have numerous bosses who all can and do chip in with requests opinions visions and demands at various times but usually it all muddles along alright. When another person was thrown into the mix things looked like they would become a lot clearer - one person to connect with, communicate directly with, be accountable etc.

However I quickly learnt that what I thought was effective communication apparently was not! See I started with huge expectations. We had talked, prior to their arrival, about a mutual desire for open communication, regular meetings, flat authority or shared decision making rather than hierachy as such, team work and the like. However the reality soon became to me at least the opposite.

In the first month we had the same conversation as to where I wanted to be in the team and my values and dreams a good five times. Sounds great? Well problem was each time I was asked the same questions, each time I gave pretty much the same responses, and each time the reaction was surprise and enthusiasm and support. I allowed myself to become increasingly offended, upset and frustrated. I assumed that the apparent lack of recall was due to a lack of valuing of our talks and therefore me, due to an inability or lack of intention to truly listen to me.

The same would happen in meetings about future plans and intentions. What was discussed in meetings was not followed through on and when rementioned the reaction would be surprise. confusion and an assurance that they knew nothing about said plans. I took this to be incompetency, again a lack of valuing and a sign of poor memory. I allowed this to fuel my frustration, anger and confusion.

Being analytical I decided to enforce the taking of notes and writing down of plans so that I could not be 'accused' of not keeping everyone informed (see the selfish intentions) and this, when followed up on, worked to a certain extent but did not extend to addressing the way I was feeling.

All of this was eating me up inside. I felt guilty, passionless, began to avoid work, became sick, and began to cry out for advice and help. Problem was was that I did so in quite a prideful manner. So I would explain to someone how I was feeling, the frustrations I was having, the pride I was dealing with, the 'steps' I was taking to address such frustrations and pride (ie writing things down, praying) and basically ask for sympathy and approval.

To cut a long story short things were really not good! It got to the point where another person in authority got me to talk and talk about the situation and then enabled me to see WHY the situation was not working. I am a verbal person - funny cos I like to think by writing but like to communicate with people face to face! I remember conversations well and I find written conversations can easily be misread. This other person does not remember verbal discussions well and my continuing to communicate my feelings/impressions verbally had resulted in me feeling like I was batting my head against a brick wall for good reason - I was! Rather than realise this and attempt to communicate in a different way I had given up. Which certainly had not helped the situation.

In addition I love to work in teams aiding and abetting, adding my ideas and encouraging everyone to give and be their best. Because this person is very comfortable in doing their own thing I was never able to do that with them and so I was feeling very unvalued and again they were completely unaware. When I offered to help it was not recalled and so again I withdrew rather than seeing and addressing the issue.

I value systems and planning, details and well thought out and discussed events. This person goes by faith working out details as they approach them. Eventually I can see these two strengths complementing each other as foresight in big picture added to foresight in details is a great mix but these past months I had seen this as incompetency and lack of foresight and planning and so my faith in the persons abilities was eroded and my respect decreased.

Chalk and cheese - instead of working as a team they were steaming ahead and I was in stalled mode and feeling very self righteous lol.

NOW I can see how and why I ended up feeling so alone. It was all about communication! But the thing was I really needed someone to show me that - I was so entrenched I could not see the trees, the forest, anything except the truck in front of me... As a result I know that all of the issues I was having with this person they were having with me in various forms and ultimately neither of us was at fault as such for the initial issues. I now know that I was certainly at fault for the way I conducted myself, for the pride, for the negativity, for the inability to separate my emotions from my actions and for the way I talked about this person with family as I sought to deal with the issues I had with them.

Accordingly I am working on these areas! I have apologised - both in email format and face to face and expressed my willingness to work on things. I have continued to think, ponder and analyse myself and my reactions, I have asked to be held accountable for the words I speak and I have repented and asked God's forgiveness and help to remedy these flaws in my character and relationships. I am also trying to pray positively for this person and the whole situation regularly. This is part of the whole process of analysing I guess the lessons I have learnt and am learning. I certainly don't wish to go through this process again!!!

Ultimately I did and do look up to this person and admire the way they live their life for the Lord and I certainly wish to see them succeed in all they put their hands to. I just wish that I hadn't allowed myself to get bogged down in the selfishness of my heart and accordingly miss out on half a years worth of passionate ministry. I know my actions and condition influence others and I am deeply sorry for the negative effect I have had. My prayer is that God will remedy all that I have done and even make something beautiful out of it all. Without Him I would be lost!!!

Just as an aside I post this not for my own glory (for I surely dont deserve it and hope that has not come across at all!!!). and certainly not to denegrate the other involved (hopefully the opposite in fact for putting up with all of this) but in case anyone can relate and may be helped by it... please, if you are stuck in a place of discontent, talk to someone about it! It can change the whole situation and bring light back in where darkness festers...