YAWN

I am really really really tired - so many really late nights studying and blogging and the scary thing is I can't see me getting a break for a few weeks! On the up side though I am an incredibly happy person at the moment which is weird - usually lots of study + tooth ache + extreme exhaustion + lots of work = stressed out negative melancholy me but no, I'm good. I'm Actually Great.

I think what I am experiencing is called GRACE - the realisation that I will never be and have never been righteous or even close to good on my own has sunk in again and I am pretty much reliant on God and His all consuming Grace to do anything of worth in this world.

In addition a lot of the practical steps and things I've done to sort out the issues I have been facing these past few months are bearing fruit - Yay.

Also yesterday a prophet prophesied some stuff into and over my life and well it confirmed some stuff that has been in my spirit, that I had sensed, but had not really stepped into cos I'm scared of being 'went not sent' as Danny Guggs puts it. Plus he talked a lot about generational sin and iniquity which fascinates me and please Lord will turn into a thesis some day as we need Need NEED more teaching and understanding in this area of pastoral care in the church.

All of which is intriguing me as to why my spirit is so light at the moment and why now God and I are motoring along together on a variety of different levels.

I once heard it described this way. Think of a series of ponds linked together with one pond feeding and filtering slowly into the next just below it and that into the next and so on. As the water flows down slowly silt or dirt settles at the bottom of each pool - think of this as sin and worldliness. This stays undisturbed and the water remains clear. When a flood of water comes crashing through though the bottom is disturbed and all the dirt is swirled around muddying the water. However a lot of the dirt is washed downstream and the clean water continues to come and fill the pools leaving a much cleaner bottom and clearer water ultimately once the flood is done. If we see our sin as the mud and the water our medium through which we see and connect with God it makes sense its harder to have connection in crises as the mud is swirling but when the crises clears and the sin and character issues are washed away we are much better people for it and our relationship with God is much closer too. Very intriguing... oh but soooo good to be coming out the other side! I LOOOOOOOOOOVE GOD!!!

Developing thoughts as I study Ecclesiology...

Common worship. What is worship? What is our role on earth? We are to be imitators of God. What is the Holy Spirits role? To embody the relationship and love experienced between God the Father and God the Son and to join with us and enable us to experience that relationship and love and then to extend that to others. When we join in communion or communal giving we are symbolically joining in to that union. We are coming together just as the Trinity is in community together and saying that we are one, of one body, of one flesh.

God is not prideful that we might be humble, sometimes seems hard to worship a God who seems to expect continual praise and devotion and sacrifice because He is all powerful and mighty and our creator. When we think this way though we forget that God is three in one. The bible teaches that Jesus is the perfect example of humility – putting aside himself to death that God the Father might receive all glory. Likewise the Spirit comes to bring glory to the Father and to the Son. The Father Himself sacrificed His son for us putting our needs before His. This humility and love is continually demonstrated in the way God is in community and always has been. If we can begin to grasp that then we can understand why God demands that we be humble. It is only in humility that true community and love can be experienced and that is Gods desire for us – that we be in perfect community and love with Him and with all of His creation. Seen in this light humility and worship become much more desirable!

Questions I ponder

MMMMMMMMMMMmm yummy my house smells like Pea and Ham soup...

Theology. I study it, I listen to various peoples takes on it and I wrestle with it but increasingly I find that I actually NEED to be able to take some stands. Problem is at the moment my stands last only until I hit a better argument. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing - but its frustrating! Take (dare I even type it lol) women in ministry. I currently work with several men who have no issue with it and attend a church and am in a denomination which embrace women in all roles - including senior human pastors of churches. That said I grew up in a home where women were firmly seen as ultimately to be submissive to their husbands and in churches where women often did not even speak during worship in church.

I have really looked into this. I've had to as its been so on my heart and mind. Thing is I am 100% sure God has created me and gifted me with the intention of having me take a pastoral role in the church and for full time church based ministry. Which is fantastic as I LOVE this!!! But I happen to be single - which is fine! - leaving me with questions such as 'what if my husband is not similarly gifted?' and 'to what extent do I believe that God ordains women for ministry and to what level of authority?'. I do believe men and women are created equal. I also believe we were created differently, different roles, different positions on an equal level. So. I know women in the NT took on leading roles in various churches but I also know that Jesus chose 12 MALE disciples, no female ones, who went on to preach the gospel and help build the kingdom of God. I believe that Godly women are to be allowed and encouraged to speak in church and specifically to teach the younger women.

In addition I know I work best alongside someone helping them to achieve a common goal and that ultimately I prefer to relinquish big decisions to someone else rather than make that call myself alone. All of this does not influence my theology as such but still add tgo my thoughts on this whole area.

Oh the inner tumult!

But the soup smells great =)

The delights of Hospitality!

I have rediscovered in the past 6 months break from study the joy of having creative time. Not spare time because I rarely if ever have that but creative time. Time in which I take a break and decide to use for me and God's glory. Don't take that to mean my glory and God's - read it as me time which is for God's glory. Anyway.

A friend invited me to come paint some months ago and I got to experiment with oils for the first time - that was awesome and occasionally I take time to finish off paintings I started now.

These past couple of weeks I have had the honour of hosting a few people to dinner and been able to bless those who have really blessed me. I have really enjoyed being able to make my home inviting and being able to really cook and create from base ingredients. Expensive yes but so much fun and so relaxing.

I think I enjoy these things precisely because they take time. You cannot paint an oil painting in a 30min segment. Well I can't. Making soup from scratch can take an entire day. To do a roast well its best to cook it on a low heat for a long time.

In addition they really don't take up a lot of brain space. They do initially but then the actual process tends to be labour intensive not mind draining. Which means that I have time to think, to ponder, to brood, to hover.

In our recent church conference the idea of hovering was brought to the fore when Genesis 1 was discussed. God is a God of order and the bible says that the earth was formless. In various translations the earth is decribed as empty, a wasteland, void and the like. The speaker suggested that this would have been contrary to God's very nature - one of order and diversity and that He responded not by going into over drive but rather that the Spirit of God hovered over all this. Considered it, mused, brooded, before then slowly day by day bringing form and creation into being. He formulated a plan, He did things in logical order and He didn't rush it like a bull at a fence.

I think creating things in the right order, in a timely manner, with fore thought and insight, is a great way to connect with God! In addition to it bringing us into closer relation and understanding of Him and His ways it also gives us time to consider ourselves and our ways and how they differ. Brooding, hovering, considering, pondering, thinking, and bringing Glory to God all in 'me' time. What an awesome experience!!!

Sinful selfish prideful me

Its been awhile...

I'm currently in bed nursing a tooth ache and waiting for painkillers to kick in and pondering some of the stuff thats been going on in my life in the last six months and I came to the conclusion that writing stuff down has helped me clarify in the past so here goes.

Communication. Its key. I know that have known it and have prided myself on it but I have discovered recently that I'm only as good as the person hearing me! So heres the story:

I work in a situation where effectively I have numerous bosses who all can and do chip in with requests opinions visions and demands at various times but usually it all muddles along alright. When another person was thrown into the mix things looked like they would become a lot clearer - one person to connect with, communicate directly with, be accountable etc.

However I quickly learnt that what I thought was effective communication apparently was not! See I started with huge expectations. We had talked, prior to their arrival, about a mutual desire for open communication, regular meetings, flat authority or shared decision making rather than hierachy as such, team work and the like. However the reality soon became to me at least the opposite.

In the first month we had the same conversation as to where I wanted to be in the team and my values and dreams a good five times. Sounds great? Well problem was each time I was asked the same questions, each time I gave pretty much the same responses, and each time the reaction was surprise and enthusiasm and support. I allowed myself to become increasingly offended, upset and frustrated. I assumed that the apparent lack of recall was due to a lack of valuing of our talks and therefore me, due to an inability or lack of intention to truly listen to me.

The same would happen in meetings about future plans and intentions. What was discussed in meetings was not followed through on and when rementioned the reaction would be surprise. confusion and an assurance that they knew nothing about said plans. I took this to be incompetency, again a lack of valuing and a sign of poor memory. I allowed this to fuel my frustration, anger and confusion.

Being analytical I decided to enforce the taking of notes and writing down of plans so that I could not be 'accused' of not keeping everyone informed (see the selfish intentions) and this, when followed up on, worked to a certain extent but did not extend to addressing the way I was feeling.

All of this was eating me up inside. I felt guilty, passionless, began to avoid work, became sick, and began to cry out for advice and help. Problem was was that I did so in quite a prideful manner. So I would explain to someone how I was feeling, the frustrations I was having, the pride I was dealing with, the 'steps' I was taking to address such frustrations and pride (ie writing things down, praying) and basically ask for sympathy and approval.

To cut a long story short things were really not good! It got to the point where another person in authority got me to talk and talk about the situation and then enabled me to see WHY the situation was not working. I am a verbal person - funny cos I like to think by writing but like to communicate with people face to face! I remember conversations well and I find written conversations can easily be misread. This other person does not remember verbal discussions well and my continuing to communicate my feelings/impressions verbally had resulted in me feeling like I was batting my head against a brick wall for good reason - I was! Rather than realise this and attempt to communicate in a different way I had given up. Which certainly had not helped the situation.

In addition I love to work in teams aiding and abetting, adding my ideas and encouraging everyone to give and be their best. Because this person is very comfortable in doing their own thing I was never able to do that with them and so I was feeling very unvalued and again they were completely unaware. When I offered to help it was not recalled and so again I withdrew rather than seeing and addressing the issue.

I value systems and planning, details and well thought out and discussed events. This person goes by faith working out details as they approach them. Eventually I can see these two strengths complementing each other as foresight in big picture added to foresight in details is a great mix but these past months I had seen this as incompetency and lack of foresight and planning and so my faith in the persons abilities was eroded and my respect decreased.

Chalk and cheese - instead of working as a team they were steaming ahead and I was in stalled mode and feeling very self righteous lol.

NOW I can see how and why I ended up feeling so alone. It was all about communication! But the thing was I really needed someone to show me that - I was so entrenched I could not see the trees, the forest, anything except the truck in front of me... As a result I know that all of the issues I was having with this person they were having with me in various forms and ultimately neither of us was at fault as such for the initial issues. I now know that I was certainly at fault for the way I conducted myself, for the pride, for the negativity, for the inability to separate my emotions from my actions and for the way I talked about this person with family as I sought to deal with the issues I had with them.

Accordingly I am working on these areas! I have apologised - both in email format and face to face and expressed my willingness to work on things. I have continued to think, ponder and analyse myself and my reactions, I have asked to be held accountable for the words I speak and I have repented and asked God's forgiveness and help to remedy these flaws in my character and relationships. I am also trying to pray positively for this person and the whole situation regularly. This is part of the whole process of analysing I guess the lessons I have learnt and am learning. I certainly don't wish to go through this process again!!!

Ultimately I did and do look up to this person and admire the way they live their life for the Lord and I certainly wish to see them succeed in all they put their hands to. I just wish that I hadn't allowed myself to get bogged down in the selfishness of my heart and accordingly miss out on half a years worth of passionate ministry. I know my actions and condition influence others and I am deeply sorry for the negative effect I have had. My prayer is that God will remedy all that I have done and even make something beautiful out of it all. Without Him I would be lost!!!

Just as an aside I post this not for my own glory (for I surely dont deserve it and hope that has not come across at all!!!). and certainly not to denegrate the other involved (hopefully the opposite in fact for putting up with all of this) but in case anyone can relate and may be helped by it... please, if you are stuck in a place of discontent, talk to someone about it! It can change the whole situation and bring light back in where darkness festers...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

Wow - yesterday was absolutely fantastic! It was cloudy and hot but I'd had it in my head that after church a group of us should actually DO something rather than just hang about in Hams or repeat the Raglan love affair. So I suggested we go to Karangahake gorge and in the end 26 of us all drove out to the Gorge for the afternoon, walked through the tunnel and then most of us went and had dinner in Waihi before going for a long walk on the beach and praying under the stars. Was a bit of a mammoth effort and we were completely unorganised but that was the beauty of it. Longtime friends and new acquaintances made that day, old (a Grandma) and young (13) all hanging out , relaxing and encouraging one another in the majestic beauty that is Gods creation - it really made my heart sing!

When life becomes all about getting through each day and doing 'the right thing' I think we lose a part of what makes us essentially Christian - the joy of the Lord. Thats what made yesterday so special for me - I was full of joy and wonder, joy at connecting with new people, joy at having fun with friends, joy in relaxing, joy in experiencing firsthand Gods provision and creativity. Joy.

We are hopefully going to invite the whole church next Sunday to join us - rather then mostly focusing on the Youth! Maybe trying out somewhere near Thames or even just Lake Karapiro. All welcome!

Thing is - we need to community the fellowship we find at church not for 'refueling' so much as to find companions to go through life with. To play with, cry with, stumble with and yell at. I am so grateful for my church family. Knowingly and unknowingly they have lifted me and supported me this week and this has helped me change the little habits I had been forming and step back up onto the track again. THANKS GUYS!!!

Oh I do like to ramble =)

Thoughts =P

When I was younger I used to read fiction books voraciously. Seriously. Thats where most of my weird big words come from cos I ALWAYS had my nose in a book. At the time it would drive my Mum nuts but it was a coping mechanism that I just couldn't cope without. It shut out all the other thoughts and fears and emotions that I couldn't deal with and let me live vicariously through someone else.

There came a time though when I had to start living my own life, dealing with my own pain and moving on. Thats when I started to become addicted to busyness - again busyness is something that prevents you from having to think, to stop, reflect and move on refreshed and enlightened.
Funny thing is - when I'm not busy I tend to retreat to (you guessed it) books =S

I have a feeling this is why a lot of guys are 'addicted' to video and computer games... why women always have 3+ things on the go... why NZ is full of workaholics.

When you are on the go 24/7, when noise and drama and things fill your life, rarely do we have to actually stop and ask the big questions: who AM I? why do I exist? is this a good idea? why do I keep finding myself in the same situations?

Having time to think for yourself seems to be a luxury and most of us would prefer to let others tell us the solutions rather than come up with them ourselves.

I wonder if this is also a huge part of the problem we have with listening in New Zealand - do we struggle to listen to others because the voices in our own heads that we keep avoiding and suppressing are screaming so loud to be heard that they drown out everyone else as well? I've noticed girls especially will talk at each other not to each other - each is having their own conversation out loud with themself on a totally different topic and both leave satisfied, possbily because they've just allowed themself to say what they really feel in a safe setting to THEMSELVES.

How can we hope to listen to God if we haven't listened to ourselves first and are quiet enought and still enough to settle to hear Him?

Maybe blogging too is a form of 'thinking' to oneself in a safe socially acceptable setting?

The Cat came back...

Wow long time no blog - at least on blogspot that is! Today I got a comment in Portuguese and I was intrigued enough to go and translate it - Babelfish and the internet in general is a wonderful thing! - which led me back to my sorely neglected blogspot.

A month or so ago at church we did a series covering 9 different pathways through which we can connect with God - despite all the teaching on this I ended up focusing on one pathway to the exclusion of all others this past month and now find myself in a rut =S so here I am back to blogging to try and kickstart my journey again.

Its funny the way we each journey with God. During the winter and especially the frantic semester times I find it far easier to include God - to allow Him entry. Come summer and a season where I FINALLY have time to sleep and breathe and relax to the point of boredom and it feels like all the old barriers are up again and as I don't have to make an effort to fit Him in timewise I find I don't make any effort at all and the days slip by without meaningful dialog or growth.
And it hurts.
And I'm lonely.
But its all my OWN doing.

Whats with that? It is so true that God never leaves us - we leave Him. I am increasingly convinced that Christianity is not series of actions but rather its a direction towards God. When we stop moving towards Him or even start to retreat does that mean we are no longer Christians though? No. I think it means we are no longer behaving like Christians but our basic identity remains the same. When we change our identity deliberately and start moving towards another central idea or thing THEN I think we stop being Christian. But then those are just MY thoughts so far.

So what am I doing about all this? Well for sure I'm admitting to certain people that things are not cool with me and God at the moment. I'm also heading back down paths that have drawn me closer to God in the past and also down paths I went down when I was closer to God than I am now. Don't get me wrong I haven't left God for a time and come back its more that I haven't been deliberately seeking God and putting time and energy and thought into our relationship and this is having a really unhealthy effect on me.

If anything I have learned that the time of change - especially between life seasons - is a really easy time to fall away from old habits, healthy and unhealthy, and I need to be more aware and intentional than ever at those times. Otherwise I will keep on learning the same lessons Im learning at the moment.

Its much easier to use momentum to keep growing closer to God than to have to start yourself moving from a dead halt - Trust me!!!!