Its funny how you can almost dread something, make yourself go with a good attitude, and then end up having the best of times... I went out tonight to a friends birthday party and well to be honest I dont really know him or his wife, they are more good friends of my good friends who I have accordingly caught up with a bit this past year or so. Anyway I was not feeling incredibly excited about going - driving to unknown place in dark and rain - and meeting even more new people and having the awkward 'so what are you studying' chats repetitively.
I went. I only got lost on the way twice and refound my way without the map so they dont really count. And it was actually really fun. I came away feeling refreshed, relaxed, happy, and funnily enough cherished. It wasnt the hostess - though she was truly lovely and made me feel so welcome, at home and included that I have to conclude she has the gift of hospitality in spades - and it wasn't even the people as I didn't know anyone else as I expected, it was God. He knew how I have been feeling and somehow through this evening of laughter and joking and community He communicated love to me and I am sitting here just feeling so much happier and valued and just touched tonight.
What is so amazing about this is that it lasted through the drive home which was a nightmare of missed turns, slick streets making the road markings impossible to see, sheets of rain, and poor decision making. I was scared confused and a little panicky and yet now I am warm dry and feeling cherished still. Amazing. Simply amazing. I praise the Lord, I praise God who knows me, loves me, and brings me great joy.
Friday, 27 February 2009
Halls
I have finally moved cities and well its a shock to the system and it isnt... the hardest thing is being too far from friends to go 'I'm feeling lonely/bored/confused/hurt/happy' and share it with them in person yet with communication services it is easy to still keep up relationships and I could just drive down if I really wanted to/could afford it. It's weird, having the same support networks and stuff just not the same face to face physical experiences of that.
The thing I am most nervous/excited about is finding a church to plant myself in (this sentence to imply not self reliance but yeah too tired to rephrase). I have met heaps and heaps of people in the Halls and college but am yet to feel any instant connections with anyone and thats made me wonder. I dont think I had considered that before moving up I guess I must have just subconsciously thought that the Halls was going to be a multicultural equivalent of my church and that I would naturally be drawn to the people here. I'm not. It kinda makes sense now that I think on it but it has challenged me a bit. In a church - even a large church - people of like minds and similar worldviews generally congregate, I mean not everyone gets along or is exactly the same but in general they have to have similar perspectives on lots of things otherwise the church body would always be in conflict and major upheaval. At a bible college people are drawn together by a mutual desire to learn about God and how to serve Him but beyond that we are studying a variety of things in a variety of life stages with very different beliefs and worldviews and so for everyone to click straight off would be weird.
That said I will continue to work at building relationships but it will be work and intentional and thats not what I was really expecting I guess... hence right now a church I could feel more at home in is a definite priority.
The thing I am most nervous/excited about is finding a church to plant myself in (this sentence to imply not self reliance but yeah too tired to rephrase). I have met heaps and heaps of people in the Halls and college but am yet to feel any instant connections with anyone and thats made me wonder. I dont think I had considered that before moving up I guess I must have just subconsciously thought that the Halls was going to be a multicultural equivalent of my church and that I would naturally be drawn to the people here. I'm not. It kinda makes sense now that I think on it but it has challenged me a bit. In a church - even a large church - people of like minds and similar worldviews generally congregate, I mean not everyone gets along or is exactly the same but in general they have to have similar perspectives on lots of things otherwise the church body would always be in conflict and major upheaval. At a bible college people are drawn together by a mutual desire to learn about God and how to serve Him but beyond that we are studying a variety of things in a variety of life stages with very different beliefs and worldviews and so for everyone to click straight off would be weird.
That said I will continue to work at building relationships but it will be work and intentional and thats not what I was really expecting I guess... hence right now a church I could feel more at home in is a definite priority.
Sunday, 25 January 2009
I slept in and church went byebye
I'm kinda sad - my sleeping habits are screwy at the moment and I'm struggling to feel healthy but still its a choice to get up and go to church and I didnt choose to ensure I woke up in time to go. The older I get as a Christian the more I realise how sinful I am. Year before last I was sooo happy with how much I had grown and God had changed and removed from my life - now I'm horrified by how much more needs to be done! Humbling? Yes because it makes me realise how much less I need to become and how much more God needs to take over in my life.
Saturday, 24 January 2009
Loving the city - time to get uncomfortable
Been listening to Marc Driscoll preaching again - this time from the Resurgence podcasts - and I'm getting stirred again. I love Hamilton the city to bits. I love the setting, the scenery, the laziness, the people I know both family and church family and friends, and I guess I love how comfortable and content I am here too. But I also know that the reasons as to why I emotionally love Hamilton also mean that I don't practically love it... I'm too comfortable in my routine and knowledge. I don't go out on the town at night, I don't cruise the Te 
Rapa straight on the weekends, I don't explore areas known to be 'dodgy', I don't notice the areas of social despair and disrepair. I love my version of Hamilton - not the reality of Hamilton.Moving to Auckland I'm intending to make sure I don't get stuck in comfy city mode and I'm also starting to pray that it changes my understanding and approach to Hamilton too. I love Hamilton so much that I truly desire long term to live and minister and love here so for this reason too I am moving away - I want to be able to see Hamilton and learn to love it practically too.
On September 21, 2007, Mark Driscoll was invited to speak at the Convergent Conference at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. In this session listen at Pastor Mark explains the major streams of the Emerging Church and specifically, the sub-set of of the Emerging Church, known as the "Emergent Church".
Monday, 19 January 2009
Suffering
I recently had a friend declare themselves not a Christian after choosing to be a Christian for several years. She described God as being cruel and stated that He created her to suffer for His enjoyment. Wow.
I'm not sure I responded well to her statements in the moment - though I prayed and talked at the same time and trust that God was with me (and her!) - but I have definitely thought about them since. Thing is I KNOW she is wrong, disregarding for the moment that the personal relationship I share with God rejects that possibility entirely simply on the basis of the love, peace, hope, joy and grace that He has blessed me with, the bible clearly tells us this is not so.
To know what God thinks of suffering we need to look at Christ His son. Jesus experienced suffering - enduring extreme suffering on the cross for our redemption - and saw it as a necessary part of life because of our sin. Did God enjoy this? NO! Did Jesus enjoy this? NO! He even asked that it be taken from him before submitting to God the Fathers will. But it was necessary. Suffering allowed us to return to relationship with God. It was not God's choice that suffering exist rather we chose it by choosing to sin.
However that aside...
What got my attention was that this woman had appeared to be a Christian for years and yet clearly either did not ever truly know God or didnt know the God I know. My God is the God of the bible. His love is expressed on every page. His mercy and grace is described in detail. He suffers along with me when I suffer and accepts me and loves me even when I sin against Him causing Him pain and anguish. He talks with me and showers blessings into my life. So how did this friend miss all this? How could we have not noticed she didnt really know who Father God is?
This is not a guilt trip. I do not feel guilty for not 'doing' more or spending more time with this friend. I know I have been far too busy with far too many responsibilities which have only been distractions from spending time with God. I know I reached my limits. My heart is for my friend and I pray and long for the time when she really gets to know Father God. But I do want to explore these thoughts more for the future.
On reflection I wonder if we - we being the church as a whole - need to become more 'hardline' on discipline. Self-discipline is a fruit of the spirit, it is given and grown by and with God, not a result of will power. There are 8 more fruits, gentleness goodness faithfulness joy peace love patience and kindness. If we do not see these fruits growing in strength and presence in fellow Christians lives we need to gently and lovingly ask about them, see how they are going, help them, teach them, hold them accountable. We need to be disciplined in 'judging' fellow Christians and challenging them to grow in relationship with God. If we hold one another accountable and bring discipline into the way we do so then I think we ensure the church grows as a whole.
If this was happening I wonder if then we might be more likely to spot in-name-only Christians. People who either talk the talk but choose not to walk the walk or people who believe they are genuine Christians and are not in relationship with God with unregenerated hearts(regenerated hearts are those that God has changed and are reborn desiring to follow God's law doing good rather than unregenerated hearts that are ultimately desiring to sin and these desires being suppressed or given into) who are left trying to do everything in their own strength and thus keep failing.
Maybe this would mean we would be able to lovingly explain why things are so hard and who God really is to them before they give up on God and Christianity as being too hard and too judgemental and too cruel...
Life is sooooo hard. I cannot imagine doing it without God and His grace and mercy. Christianity is a really hard path to travel within life. To do it in my own strength would be to fail repeatedly hour after hour. I would be so depressed and discouraged and disillusioned. I cannot begin to comprehend trying to do life and be a Christian without God. That must truly be hellish. Maybe thats why so many Christians fall away from God - they either never knew Him or their relationship with Him grew distant and they forgot who He truly is...
I'm not sure I responded well to her statements in the moment - though I prayed and talked at the same time and trust that God was with me (and her!) - but I have definitely thought about them since. Thing is I KNOW she is wrong, disregarding for the moment that the personal relationship I share with God rejects that possibility entirely simply on the basis of the love, peace, hope, joy and grace that He has blessed me with, the bible clearly tells us this is not so.
To know what God thinks of suffering we need to look at Christ His son. Jesus experienced suffering - enduring extreme suffering on the cross for our redemption - and saw it as a necessary part of life because of our sin. Did God enjoy this? NO! Did Jesus enjoy this? NO! He even asked that it be taken from him before submitting to God the Fathers will. But it was necessary. Suffering allowed us to return to relationship with God. It was not God's choice that suffering exist rather we chose it by choosing to sin.
However that aside...
What got my attention was that this woman had appeared to be a Christian for years and yet clearly either did not ever truly know God or didnt know the God I know. My God is the God of the bible. His love is expressed on every page. His mercy and grace is described in detail. He suffers along with me when I suffer and accepts me and loves me even when I sin against Him causing Him pain and anguish. He talks with me and showers blessings into my life. So how did this friend miss all this? How could we have not noticed she didnt really know who Father God is?
This is not a guilt trip. I do not feel guilty for not 'doing' more or spending more time with this friend. I know I have been far too busy with far too many responsibilities which have only been distractions from spending time with God. I know I reached my limits. My heart is for my friend and I pray and long for the time when she really gets to know Father God. But I do want to explore these thoughts more for the future.
On reflection I wonder if we - we being the church as a whole - need to become more 'hardline' on discipline. Self-discipline is a fruit of the spirit, it is given and grown by and with God, not a result of will power. There are 8 more fruits, gentleness goodness faithfulness joy peace love patience and kindness. If we do not see these fruits growing in strength and presence in fellow Christians lives we need to gently and lovingly ask about them, see how they are going, help them, teach them, hold them accountable. We need to be disciplined in 'judging' fellow Christians and challenging them to grow in relationship with God. If we hold one another accountable and bring discipline into the way we do so then I think we ensure the church grows as a whole.
If this was happening I wonder if then we might be more likely to spot in-name-only Christians. People who either talk the talk but choose not to walk the walk or people who believe they are genuine Christians and are not in relationship with God with unregenerated hearts(regenerated hearts are those that God has changed and are reborn desiring to follow God's law doing good rather than unregenerated hearts that are ultimately desiring to sin and these desires being suppressed or given into) who are left trying to do everything in their own strength and thus keep failing.
Maybe this would mean we would be able to lovingly explain why things are so hard and who God really is to them before they give up on God and Christianity as being too hard and too judgemental and too cruel...
Life is sooooo hard. I cannot imagine doing it without God and His grace and mercy. Christianity is a really hard path to travel within life. To do it in my own strength would be to fail repeatedly hour after hour. I would be so depressed and discouraged and disillusioned. I cannot begin to comprehend trying to do life and be a Christian without God. That must truly be hellish. Maybe thats why so many Christians fall away from God - they either never knew Him or their relationship with Him grew distant and they forgot who He truly is...
Time to draw close again.
I have resolved not to keep explaining away why this is not a regular thing - I accept that sometimes it is and sometimes its not. Thats cool with me.
So.
It was a very hard year again and I found myself at the end of it pretty much as close to burn out as you can get without being irretrievably changed in personality and capacity and I can only account for that by means of God's grace upon me. He knows my limits far better than I did and do though I pray I am more aware now too! Having taken a couple of months off - well as 'off' as I could financially survive upon - I find myself still quite easily tired and easily frustrated but with space to think and breathe and be again. I also have health which I am profoundly grateful for.
All of which means Im pondering this year and the things that happened and trying to draw truths from them...
So.
It was a very hard year again and I found myself at the end of it pretty much as close to burn out as you can get without being irretrievably changed in personality and capacity and I can only account for that by means of God's grace upon me. He knows my limits far better than I did and do though I pray I am more aware now too! Having taken a couple of months off - well as 'off' as I could financially survive upon - I find myself still quite easily tired and easily frustrated but with space to think and breathe and be again. I also have health which I am profoundly grateful for.
All of which means Im pondering this year and the things that happened and trying to draw truths from them...
Thursday, 7 August 2008
YAWN
I am really really really tired - so many really late nights studying and blogging and the scary thing is I can't see me getting a break for a few weeks! On the up side though I am an incredibly happy person at the moment which is weird - usually lots of study + tooth ache + extreme exhaustion + lots of work = stressed out negative melancholy me but no, I'm good. I'm Actually Great.
I think what I am experiencing is called GRACE - the realisation that I will never be and have never been righteous or even close to good on my own has sunk in again and I am pretty much reliant on God and His all consuming Grace to do anything of worth in this world.
In addition a lot of the practical steps and things I've done to sort out the issues I have been facing these past few months are bearing fruit - Yay.
Also yesterday a prophet prophesied some stuff into and over my life and well it confirmed some stuff that has been in my spirit, that I had sensed, but had not really stepped into cos I'm scared of being 'went not sent' as Danny Guggs puts it. Plus he talked a lot about generational sin and iniquity which fascinates me and please Lord will turn into a thesis some day as we need Need NEED more teaching and understanding in this area of pastoral care in the church.
All of which is intriguing me as to why my spirit is so light at the moment and why now God and I are motoring along together on a variety of different levels.
I once heard it described this way. Think of a series of ponds linked together with one pond feeding and filtering slowly into the next just below it and that into the next and so on. As the water flows down slowly silt or dirt settles at the bottom of each pool - think of this as sin and worldliness. This stays undisturbed and the water remains clear. When a flood of water comes crashing through though the bottom is disturbed and all the dirt is swirled around muddying the water. However a lot of the dirt is washed downstream and the clean water continues to come and fill the pools leaving a much cleaner bottom and clearer water ultimately once the flood is done. If we see our sin as the mud and the water our medium through which we see and connect with God it makes sense its harder to have connection in crises as the mud is swirling but when the crises clears and the sin and character issues are washed away we are much better people for it and our relationship with God is much closer too. Very intriguing... oh but soooo good to be coming out the other side! I LOOOOOOOOOOVE GOD!!!
I think what I am experiencing is called GRACE - the realisation that I will never be and have never been righteous or even close to good on my own has sunk in again and I am pretty much reliant on God and His all consuming Grace to do anything of worth in this world.
In addition a lot of the practical steps and things I've done to sort out the issues I have been facing these past few months are bearing fruit - Yay.
Also yesterday a prophet prophesied some stuff into and over my life and well it confirmed some stuff that has been in my spirit, that I had sensed, but had not really stepped into cos I'm scared of being 'went not sent' as Danny Guggs puts it. Plus he talked a lot about generational sin and iniquity which fascinates me and please Lord will turn into a thesis some day as we need Need NEED more teaching and understanding in this area of pastoral care in the church.
All of which is intriguing me as to why my spirit is so light at the moment and why now God and I are motoring along together on a variety of different levels.
I once heard it described this way. Think of a series of ponds linked together with one pond feeding and filtering slowly into the next just below it and that into the next and so on. As the water flows down slowly silt or dirt settles at the bottom of each pool - think of this as sin and worldliness. This stays undisturbed and the water remains clear. When a flood of water comes crashing through though the bottom is disturbed and all the dirt is swirled around muddying the water. However a lot of the dirt is washed downstream and the clean water continues to come and fill the pools leaving a much cleaner bottom and clearer water ultimately once the flood is done. If we see our sin as the mud and the water our medium through which we see and connect with God it makes sense its harder to have connection in crises as the mud is swirling but when the crises clears and the sin and character issues are washed away we are much better people for it and our relationship with God is much closer too. Very intriguing... oh but soooo good to be coming out the other side! I LOOOOOOOOOOVE GOD!!!
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