A change in perspective

It would seem that I am constantly changing and learning and growing. It almost feels redundant to remark upon it but for some reason I seem to expect it to stop and almost feel deficient when it doesn't! Such is my pride :s

Recently it has felt like I have been existing in a dark hole. I came under spiritual attack and due to ongoing sickness, tiredness, confusion and a slow slipping away from time spent with God apart from study. I found that I was open to attack and unable to recognise what was happening. Once I did realise with God's strength and wisdom it was stopped but the consequences of the attack continued to have physical repercussions - exhaustion, inability to sleep, increased pain levels and deep depression fueled by intense loneliness.

Although I wanted to break the cycle the reality was that I didn't have the spiritual, physical, mental or emotional reserves to do so. For me this seems to be a continued pattern - as soon as I learn to recognise the work of satan in my life and how to place myself in God's protection it seems attack comes from another area but with the same results.

Anyway the result of all of this is that God has been using this time to not only let me experience the natural consequences of my sin (read distance in relationship with Him - not individual acts per say as the acts themselves are simply a result and perpetuation of sin, its the attitude or the intention behind them and revealed in them that is sin) but also to reveal to me a distortion in my thinking.

When we have alter calls or pray prayers of salvation we tend to ask God into our hearts and lives. This is all very well and good but I now think that this is only a partial truth. Not only do we let God into our lives but we do this in order that He would restore us to His plan for us - we are asking Him to help us repent (turn from ourselves and into relationship with Him) and to walk in His ways. In doing so we actually enter into the story of the bible - God gives us entrace into the Kingdom of Heaven (in the now and not yet tension lol) - and we commit to living in God's story not our own.

I have been worrying the issue of 'calling' over in my mind for years (worrying in the sense of a dog worrying a bone that is constantly returning to it, knawing at it, burying it and then digging it up again to consider it in new lights...) all from the perspective of God being a part of my life not considering myself in light of the biblical story as a whole. When I read the genealogies I didn't see how they linked me into the big picture or how they would have caused the initial Jewish readers to feel a part of the ongoing relationship between God and themselves thus helping them take ownership and actively participate in this big ongoing narrative.

God has been slowly helping me turn my focus around and learn to ask how He would have me contribute to this amazing story. I'm not quite so worried about doing things in my own strength now or working out My Calling or what career or paths He has set out for Me to achieve - I'm more interested in just trusting and obeying in the little things knowing that they are contributing to a story I can't even begin to comprehend at the moment. It's both comforting and awe-inspiring to know that I am just one person in a story that includes people like Noah and Daniel and Leah and Rachel... when I meet them in Heaven and talk to them about how I lived on this earth I don't want to boast about my awesome ministry (with God's help of course lol) or the millions I helped witness to - I want to talk to them about how I listened to God and I did what He asked of me with a pure heart knowing that He would reveal all in time.

Not my life - but His grand story
Not my achievements - His love
Not my failures - His grace and purposes

Mmm I have found such peace and joy as this is slowly becoming real and true for me, Thank you Lord.