meeeeeeouch with 6 e's

Oh and God...

2011-04-05T21:33:00.001+12:00

Being married and loving God I am finding to be an odd combination. It feels almost as if the two are oil and water... hard to mix! To love God for me is to be all consumed by Him and seeking after Him. To love a man is to be (at least for me at this point) wrapped up in seeking to serve and honour him, to please him, to seek the best for him, to encourage, to bless, to seek their pleasure above your own... - and to know that same love in return. To love a man well, requires Gods own grace and help. Can loving God be aided by loving a man in a marriage covenant relationship? I am not sure. I hope so!

I struggle to focus on God at the moment it is true. I confess I do not spend the same time reading praying and studying. I dont have the same intentional time with Him. After praying and preparing for marriage for so long I find myself wrapped up in the joy and wonder of such a blessing. I question whether it was / is an idol in my life. I wonder when my relationship with God will become dominant as it was... or will it? Should it in the same way? I am floundering.

And yet I am happy, I have joy, I praise God for His goodness to us. I desire to be close to Him in new ways, while struggling to know how to reach this. And I am intensely grateful that He is so gracious and forgiving of us in this transition time =)

Praise the Lord for He is good beyond measure and understanding and this I know too well xoxox

Married =)

2011-04-05T21:22:00.000+12:00

It certainly feels like a lifetime since I have written in this spot. Strange how time can be so short and yet so packed with learning and experiences. Strange to be sitting at a keyboard staring at the keys and unsure of what to say. Strange to have done so much and be blank.

Talking about strange things I think one of the strangest things about being married is my relationships with other people. Pre marriage I was very close to my family - especially the female members. I spent a lot of time with female friends. I hung out with families and flatmates. In the build up to the wedding I became completely 'peopled' out and the busier we got the more people were around!

Come post wedding it was like I was in a vacuum and initially it was great! We loved spending time away from the demands of being social and active. We still do. But we need others in to create balance and somehow it was if none (read none as 98% of people, a couple did) of the people who were soo close pre relationship and pre marriage were seeking us out any more. I would make contact and invite people round and then nothing - no reciprocal invites, no attempts to communicate... just... nothing. Weird. It's starting to change now, partly cos I commented on it to a couple of lovely ladies and one chose to act on it, but, well, I wonder. Did I give off vibes? Did people just incorrectly assume we would contact them if we wanted to see them? Did I do this to them when they got married and they just thought well we better return the favour? Weird.

1 month in

2010-07-27T10:45:00.002+12:00

It's been over a month and well even just reading my last blog is kinda amusing. It feels like soooo much time and thought has passed and everything is progressing full steam ahead. Nothing is as I thought it might be. I, like many others I suspect, have been guilty of daydreaming about 'the one' for years. Not that I actually believe there is a perfect 'one' - I believe that we choose to love someone for a lifetime and we keep choosing to do that for the rest of our lives through the good and bad times. Some people are easier to love than others is all...

Anyway I digress. Thing is I never considered what it might be like to date someone I have known for years, have seen their character be shaped and formed, have enjoyed a close friendship with, and just, well, know so well. I am definitely learning new things about him every day but I am already confident in his being who he says he is. I've seen his loyalty, his faithfulness, his generosity and indeed his faults and flaws all within the context of several years. I've seen them without the disadvantage of rose coloured glasses (which I am surely wearing now!) and I have been impressed. That alone gives me huge confidence in our future. It allows me to consider the future now rather than needing to wait longer to see who he is within the great discernment of time.

I never considered this option so now I'm floundering a little. What is too fast? What is too slow? What is best for him? For us? For me? What does God ask of us in this situation? Nothing like being out of ones comfort zone though for forcing reliance upon God!

And I am sooo grateful to God. He has brought us to this decision making point, He has guided our steps, He has helped form me into a woman confident in Him and able to stand up for what I believe in with the strength to follow His will, He has moulded our relationship right from the start and He is the connection that brings us together. God alone can ease my uncertainty, insecurities, fears and frustrations and unlike others He is ALWAYS with me. So I praise and thank and love and depend upon you God more now than ever!!!

The world has changed

2010-06-22T10:26:00.003+12:00

Or at least my perspective has! Amazing how in a week you can go from deep unsettled confusion to sheer joy to 'what now?'. I have never experienced anything like it. Wow.

So for a long time I have had feelings for a guy but had learnt to dismiss them because I KNEW that a relationship with him was not a good idea. We share beliefs, close friends, community, a sense of humour, a history of close friendship built over 4 years and have similar desires and plans for the future BUT I had many people advise me that a relationship was not a good idea. And in all honesty they were right. It wasn't... I felt more like his leader than his equal and I simply was not attracted to him in 'that' way.

After moving to a different city we stayed friends - I don't think either of us would have handled it if we hadn't given that we had crossed a few friend boundaries to the extent that I treated him more like I would another girlfriend in terms of depth of sharing and emotional dependency. In this time distance grew inevitably and I was able to learn a LOT about myself. I think the same is true for him. Moving back helped open my eyes to qualities I had not seen in him and suddenly the confusion and uncertainty was too much and I did something I never ever thought I would do... I went to him and exposed my vulnerability in a very awkward and difficult way - I expressed my change in feelings and desire to either end all friendship ties or consider a relationship.

I had reached the end of my tether. I simply could not deal with the 'what if's' any longer! Amazingly he didn't automatically say no nor did he say yes - he asked questions, he requested time to think, he suggested we talk with others and gain their opinions, and also that we pray. Wow. He has grown soooo much in his maturity and suddenly I was seeing a much more serious intentional side of him than ever before. Talk about attractive.

So thats what we did last week - and the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. Amazing. As we have shared with family and friends, mentors, and accountability partners the response is joyful, encouraging and echos 'about time' lol. Who knew? Not me!

He has asked me to be his 'girlfriend', we have placed boundaries in to safe guard us, we are seeking advice on how to proceed from here and we are working on streamlining our lives...

All of which is new and amazing and feels so good but, and its a 'but' I think that is going to keep coming up lol, I'm now in a state of what next? Have we missed something? What could we do to make this best in God's eyes? How am I supposed to behave now? What if my feelings are misleading me? What if what if what if. Oops. Time to work on trusting God I guess - and on enjoying the moment!

Today

2010-05-21T11:04:00.002+12:00

Today I am sitting and trying to be still and know that God is God. Unfortunately my head is racing with thoughts so I have decided to write them down as I go and then dismiss them as I contemplate.

I now work full time as a Clinical Research Officer - completing psychometric assessments of children with brain injuries for the purposes of research. Its great work, fulfilling a lot of the time, certainly interesting, and has the potential to change how health care is done in my country - yet I feel like I am constantly struggling with the need to 'fit God in', to still be growing in my relationship with Him, and constantly failing in this as I run out of energy, inclination and enthusiasm.

I have all this knowledge of Him - and of ways to connect with Him. I have a fantastic local church which helps me connect with Him and challenges me. I have a developing circle of friends and mentors, I have an existing circle of close friends who are honest with me around my failings. And still I struggle.

I wonder if this is normal. I wonder if there is a better way - if I am missing something fundamental. I guess I know I have never developed the basic habits that would help sustain me - regular bible reading, regular prayer times, memorisation of scripture, the things we hear about year after year. Thing is my sinful nature doesn't want to carve out time and energy - it wants to sleep!!!

Lord, I'm sorry.

I also know I have lost the big picture - I'm like a Hamster working hard out to spin a stationary ball round and round day after day, week after week. All I can see is the here and now. I've forgotten that You are the one who matters. That Your master plan has been in motion for centuries and that simply to know You, to be in relationship with You, is the greatest honour. To also know that You have invited me to live as a member of Your Kingdom, to participate in this huge story of life and living and grace and love blows my mind. Please Lord help me to keep this knowledge deep in my heart and soul - make it my motivation for living, breathing, being.

Please help me to be still. To know. You are God.

Time to 'be'

2009-12-14T17:59:00.002+13:00

I finished study just under two weeks ago and its been quite a challenge. I really managed to exhaust myself mentally, physically, emotionally and yes spiritually this time round. Having moved back to the Waikato and taken time to sleep and sleep and sleeeep I now find myself gradually gaining energy and interest in life again. I have also managed to find work for next year and space to get back into shape beforehand. All of which is great. After a year away and studying at a completely different level though I find myself out of synch with who I thought I was. I don't seem to fit in anywhere at the moment and I'm kind of reluctant to simply revert back to the status quo of relationships and the existence of a year ago. In some ways its great to be out of the comfort zones and able to evaluate and analyze - after all analysis is one of my strengths and I find it fascinating - in other ways its awkward and unsettling and I feel like I have no one able to guide me through... and I like being told what to expect and how to approach stuff.

I'm contemplating writing some Christian fiction works just to try it, but I fear this may be a form of escapism at a time when I really need to be processing and defining myself anew for the next year. We will see.

Last class.

2009-10-15T15:18:00.002+13:00

Been studying Philippians all semester in Master's class and today was the last lecture. I'm kinda sad about that to be honest as have loved pretty much everything about this course. The lecturer, the weekly interaction, the diversity of people in the class, the morning breaks, and most of all the content.

I have never studied an entire book in this way before - I did the Pentateuch but that's 5 books! So my eyes were truly opened!!! To spend time setting everything in context, to look at individual words like grace and joy and thinking, to trace themes throughout the book and indeed Paul's other letters, it was all incredibly rewarding. I had never seen the theme of unity in Philippians let alone other letters so to realise that this may indeed be the biggest focus was kinda mindblowing. Ultimately its changed the way I read the bible, the questions I ask, and the way I live my life in light of it.

Philippians 1v27 states:

Only, live your life in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that, whether I come and see you or am absent and hear about you, I will know that you are standing firm in one spirit, striving side by side with one mind for the faith of the gospel.1.

I think at the moment this is the crux of my Christian life. Or at least I want it to be. To live in such a way that my life is worthy of the gospel? Of Christ? Standing firmly on this knowledge in one spirit, not swaying from side to side, but working with my church in unity and oneness with them for the 'faith' of the gospel (that is the defense and proclamation of the gospel)? It's a huge call. But it's also non-negotiable. To not do so is to be spit out as lukewarm.

Having spent so much time reading and listening and discussing this book I think I now understand some of what Paul was driving at. I'm shocked, I'm frustrated, I'm scared, but I'm also encouraged and fueled up and passionate about living a life that is worthy, following Paul's example, and sharing this with those I am privileged to journey with...

1.(The Holy Bible : New Revised Standard Version. 1996, c1989 . Thomas Nelson: Nashville)

Irony

2009-10-07T00:26:00.002+13:00

Yesterday I had a great day. Today was utter crap. Why? Why do I make choices that are good sometimes and bad at others? And why do I react so differently?

Yesterday I got up, greeted God, ate breakfast, cleaned, read my bible, got into study, ate regularly during the day. It was a good day, I felt productive and like I was closer to God.

Today I got up, fiddled around on the computer, ate breakfast, and then decided to read some more of my 'relax' novel. Hours later I was kinda hungry, but I managed to while away more hours, eventually went out shopped, cooked dinner and then watched tv till now when I should be asleep.

I feel angry and disappointed yet resigned to my choices. It's like I gave up. Rather than draw near to God I wanted to punish myself - to force myself to do better. Yet I could hear Him calling me, asking me whether this punishment was His plan and asking what the true nature of sin is.

Sin, I know, is putting me before God. I was forced to realise that just as the choices I made today to put my pleasure before spending time with Him, listening for His guidance, were sinful; so is my desire to punish myself and wallow in guilt and condemnation. These things don't draw me to Him - they shame me, pull me further from God, and so result in me repeating the sin of control, pride and self-determination. Breaking this cycle requires an act of will - of choosing to listen to God and to be obedient. It's hard - but its good I think.

I'm currently really struggling with self-control and I think that part of the reason is that the concept suggests that its all about my 'self' being in control. In reality I know from experience that its about choices. Choosing God, choosing to wake and greet, to chat, to include, to seek after, to love God. When I do this from the start of my day 'self' is not the one in control. God is. Maybe tomorrow I will find a new term for this to help keep my eyes on God.

Thinking this through 'outloud' helps. Hopefully in the future I will remember after I fall down that punishing myself is sinful too and I will learn to go to God first. After all its where I always end up - might as well take the shortcut!

So why sacrifice in the Old Testament? Why kill animals? And how on earth does Jesus dying really equate with sacrifice???

2009-10-05T12:12:00.000+13:00

So why sacrifice in the Old Testament? Why kill animals? And how on earth does Jesus dying really equate with sacrifice???

According to Chris Marshall this stuff all has to do with justice and I think I agree with him – well most of the time =). When the whole sacrificial system came in to existence it was as a result of Israel’s sin. (Meaning the nation – not just the person!). God had chosen to enter into a covenant – a special relationship – with Abraham and all of his descendents (the ultimate purpose of which was to restore all people to relationship with God). Problem was their sin (placing their own agenda’s before God’s) meant that they kept breaking the covenant – living in ways that God simply could not agree with (duh our agenda always pales in comparison with God’s!). To restore their relationship God had to provide a system through which they could show their regret and well repentance really and commitment to putting Him first. IN ADDITION Marshall suggests that sin was (and is) like an infectious disease, spreading quickly from person to person. So not only did God need a way for the people to show repentance but He needed it to halt sin spreading in its tracks – providing cleansing.

Hence we have the sacrifice system where the people of God would bring an offering to God (be it whatever type of food or drink or animal that the law required though the more serious sins required the shedding of lifeblood), and through participating in the ritual publicly at the temple repentance was demonstrated, God was able to forgive, sin’s spread was stopped and the ‘disease’ was cleansed from the community, and ultimately relationship with God where God and His agenda are placed first was restored.

Thing was this system had its limits and the people kept falling into deep sin over and over and over again. God needed to create a way to enable all people to be in relationship with Him and halt sin altogether. It was clear we human’s were unable to do this so He himself had to come down, live as a man, and die. It is this act that cleanses us all from sin and enables sin to be removed from community. HOWEVER just as in the sacrificial system God requires us to participate in this with repentance and choosing to follow Him, putting His agenda first. We do this by declaring that we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, accepting His sacrifice on our behalf and choosing to follow Him with our lives – putting Him first in all things. In addition we do this publicly and in community – hence baptism and the need to be a part of the Church.

By joining our belief and lives with Christ’s sacrifice, death, and resurrection we are forgiven by God and able to live freely in relationship with Him, as was always His plan. Quite clever really.

Sluggards and Introverts

2009-10-03T22:59:00.002+13:00

Listened to a message based on the character of the sluggard in Proverbs a little while ago by Joshua Harris (yes the guy who wrote I kissed dating goodbye etc etc). I found it quite interesting for a number of reasons - I haven't heard a series of sermons come from a book of the bible let alone an OT book in NZ for yonks and yonks, I certainly haven't heard a topical sermon talk about laziness and the actions of a 'sluggard', and what Josh actually spoke on within this topic surprised me. I expected to hear all about the couch potato attitude, and certainly that was raised, but he also talked about active procrastination as being the work of a sluggard which perked my ears up =) being an area I and virtually everyone I know struggles with on and off (me typically more on!).

Josh suggested that putting off a task that is important but not as urgent as other tasks seem in the moment is as much the behaviour of a 'sluggard' as sitting on a couch and being too lazy to get to the tv and change the channel when the remote's missing. Hmmm. So me cleaning my room, encouraging a friend, cooking a meal etc when I need to study or make a phone call to the dentist is as sinful as sitting and doing nothing...

On the surface it seems ridiculous. Yet sin is not divisible into individual acts - it's not the act of cleaning that's a sin nor is it the act of sitting on a couch - sin is the attitude or belief that my want's and need's are more important than God's intentions for me. Sin is seeing me above God. It's this belief that my need to avoid 'work' or 'suffering' or 'embarassment' 'etc' is more important than seeking God's desires that then leads to my actions of cleaning, encouraging and cooking and the like. This is the sin. This is the thinking of a sluggard. Ouch.

A change in perspective

2009-09-14T12:22:00.003+12:00

It would seem that I am constantly changing and learning and growing. It almost feels redundant to remark upon it but for some reason I seem to expect it to stop and almost feel deficient when it doesn't! Such is my pride :s

Recently it has felt like I have been existing in a dark hole. I came under spiritual attack and due to ongoing sickness, tiredness, confusion and a slow slipping away from time spent with God apart from study. I found that I was open to attack and unable to recognise what was happening. Once I did realise with God's strength and wisdom it was stopped but the consequences of the attack continued to have physical repercussions - exhaustion, inability to sleep, increased pain levels and deep depression fueled by intense loneliness.

Although I wanted to break the cycle the reality was that I didn't have the spiritual, physical, mental or emotional reserves to do so. For me this seems to be a continued pattern - as soon as I learn to recognise the work of satan in my life and how to place myself in God's protection it seems attack comes from another area but with the same results.

Anyway the result of all of this is that God has been using this time to not only let me experience the natural consequences of my sin (read distance in relationship with Him - not individual acts per say as the acts themselves are simply a result and perpetuation of sin, its the attitude or the intention behind them and revealed in them that is sin) but also to reveal to me a distortion in my thinking.

When we have alter calls or pray prayers of salvation we tend to ask God into our hearts and lives. This is all very well and good but I now think that this is only a partial truth. Not only do we let God into our lives but we do this in order that He would restore us to His plan for us - we are asking Him to help us repent (turn from ourselves and into relationship with Him) and to walk in His ways. In doing so we actually enter into the story of the bible - God gives us entrace into the Kingdom of Heaven (in the now and not yet tension lol) - and we commit to living in God's story not our own.

I have been worrying the issue of 'calling' over in my mind for years (worrying in the sense of a dog worrying a bone that is constantly returning to it, knawing at it, burying it and then digging it up again to consider it in new lights...) all from the perspective of God being a part of my life not considering myself in light of the biblical story as a whole. When I read the genealogies I didn't see how they linked me into the big picture or how they would have caused the initial Jewish readers to feel a part of the ongoing relationship between God and themselves thus helping them take ownership and actively participate in this big ongoing narrative.

God has been slowly helping me turn my focus around and learn to ask how He would have me contribute to this amazing story. I'm not quite so worried about doing things in my own strength now or working out My Calling or what career or paths He has set out for Me to achieve - I'm more interested in just trusting and obeying in the little things knowing that they are contributing to a story I can't even begin to comprehend at the moment. It's both comforting and awe-inspiring to know that I am just one person in a story that includes people like Noah and Daniel and Leah and Rachel... when I meet them in Heaven and talk to them about how I lived on this earth I don't want to boast about my awesome ministry (with God's help of course lol) or the millions I helped witness to - I want to talk to them about how I listened to God and I did what He asked of me with a pure heart knowing that He would reveal all in time.

Not my life - but His grand story
Not my achievements - His love
Not my failures - His grace and purposes

Mmm I have found such peace and joy as this is slowly becoming real and true for me, Thank you Lord.

Word = alive = Life

2009-08-07T13:31:00.002+12:00

Sometimes I am simply astounded at God!!!
I have been quite reticent in my basic disciplines of the faith - to use Christianeese! In other words I have been pretty lazy when it comes to reading my bible and praying in times set aside just for these habits. Praying is something that seems to have been coming increasingly habitual during life in general and so I find myself talking with God more and more, its something I just cant NOT do it would seem. I haven't been too worried about making it a 'have to do' listed item for the day as a result. I know its something that can be improved but its not weighing heavily in my heart.

Reading my bible on the other hand has ALWAYS been a struggle for me. It just seemed kinda a route activity and a bit hit and miss with whether it interested me or made any influence on my life. I knew it was important and so I would always try to spend time in it but when I started doing papers at Bible College study meant I could be lazy and justify my study and course time in the Word as being enough. Anywho I have recently resolved that I would like to spend time each day following the Anglican practice of reading 1 chapter from OT, NT and the Gospels so 3 in total. I started reading in John and just began to read John 5 and it was as if the Word has become alive!!! Thank the Lord for all the study and context and well understanding I have gained through studying at college because now I am SOOOO excited to read more! What a blessing, what was a have to is now love to YAY!

Feelings

2009-07-23T16:11:00.002+12:00

This month has been a massive rollercoaster what with financial, physical, work and study stresses and the challenge of being home and then having to leave home. Finally committing to a life of full time ministry in my mind and heart has also sent me into a hardout tail spin. Its been really interesting to try and work out why I have reacted the way I did - after an initial experience of peace and relief at committing to God again in this way I think I realised that I was suddenly facing the death of the dreams I had had from a child as to how I would live my life, the type of family experience I expected to have, the lifestyle I wanted to lead... it's all felt a bit like its been stripped from me and I guess I have been going through a bit of a grieving process.

To truly surrender a dream or series of dreams to God in favour of the apparent dreams and directions He has for me is an intensely difficult experience to go through seemingly alone - when you feel subconsciously that God is the perpetrator of your pain its rather difficult to go to Him as everything screams run the other way... I know that the commitment I have made is great and I am actively excited about it; at the same time I want my dreams too and grieve their apparent loss. It doesn't much help that the dreams themselves were not unGodly or the like either. It can be so easy to know God has the best in mind for us as we walk in relationship with Him - its completely different to realise that the best for us is not necessarily what we had in mind and heart and keep walking without missing a beat.

I hope this doesnt come across as whining - its more musing. It would seem I am slowly learning how to turn to God and surrender fully again prior to the point where I am at full physical / emotional meltdown stage and writing out my experience is part of this processing. Wow. This Christian life is way way way more complex than I ever realised when I started on the journey - in some ways I am glad I didnt know as I dont know if I would have started without also knowing the joy of experiencing God's grace, peace, joy, love, blessing... I can't begin to describe how this feels in a way anyone who hasn't conversed with Him could comprehend.

Praise the Lord - my Father, comforter, strength, and reason

Miroslav Volf - Repentance

2009-06-17T14:10:00.003+12:00

Been reading Exclusion and Embrace as prep for Justice paper this month and its been slooooow going but I just realised why - its cos something is finally making me really really think at a level thats questioning my belief systems wow.

Sooo I was just reading a piece about repentance and I gotta process it so here goes: Volf is arguing that repentance is necessary most for people sinned against initially. Yes people oppressed, down trodden, abused - they need to repent. The reason given is this: if you are in a position of oppression under people who are abusing you, you are not responsible for their actions or their sins in anyway at all BUT you are responsible for the way your soul changes in response to their sin.

Our reaction is typically to hate: to embrace enmity and envy. Enmity for them and anyone involved with them who tacitly approves and allows their sin to continue, and envy for the control/authority/power/methods of oppresion they have access too. (Random thought: this may well include desiring their punishment and incarceration - not for the purpose of redemption and restoration but rather to make them pay ie having power over them and showing them their behaviour was so wrong it deserves their freedom and indeed life as payment - desiring/longing for the day when we have power over them and more freedom than they do). Volf states it is this enmity and envy we must repent of and indeed resist.

The reason is this, if we finally get to a point where their oppression and sin against us ends and we gain the position of victors/superiors/opportunity to exact revenge AND we have not resisted and repented of this sin of envy/enmity THEN we will use these methods of oppression/control/authority/power on them and theirs probably in more creative and destructive ways... they and their followers will learn enmity/envy of us and so the cycle continues and continues. Extreme examples include the long issues found between Israel and Palestine and between the Serbs and Muslims.

In order for social change to occur, for our full human dignity to be restored, we must repent therefore. We must resist envying and hating those who sin against us and all that defines them not for their sake but for our own for fear that we become like them and lose aspects of who we are. This does not EVER mean condoning someones sin or readmiting to our lives people who abuse us and sin against us repeatedly, it does mean choosing the path of forgiveness and repentance of our own sinful responses. Challenging.

Today

2009-06-12T17:19:00.002+12:00

Saw someone else's blog this afternoon and feel rather inspired again to take stock of where I am now. It's funny how much of a rollercoaster ride life can be. I came to college with so many mixed motives. I was semi sure God was supportive of this move - my first real departure from friends and family for a long term period of time - though I worked pretty hard at convincing myself and others of this. Thing was I knew I was in a rut and that something drastic needed to happen. Well moving has been drastic and mindbending and challenging physically, mentally and emotionally... I have also re-learnt the lesson that you truly take your issues with you lol. The good thing is that they generally become a lot more obvious to you when they hit hard the second time round, well they do for me, and the opportunity to work through them is always open with God.

In the pressure cooker of change old 'conquered' patterns of sinful actions rear their heads, fears, inadequacies, hates, loves all come into focus... It's been a process of refocusing again, realising yet again how much I need to rely upon God and trust Him to direct the process, and going back to the basic truths and steps of my faith. The scary thing is I'm slowly starting to get comfortable again and so I need to learn this time round how to stay on track in the comfy spaces as well as the painful/stressful/confusing ones.

I'm happy in a church, in a few communities, in my workplace, I'm working away at this study thing, I think I have direction and vocation a bit clearer, I'm working on me 'n God and He is def working on me! There is definitely stress going on but it's mostly ok. Weird. Come September the worst of the intense study will be over for the year with only a few pieces of assessment left... thats only 2 1/2months away. I wonder what He will throw at me next???

Peace - a funny thing!

2009-05-15T10:54:00.002+12:00

I heard somewhere recently that peace in the bible is not 'peace and quiet' as in escape or retreat to solitude in the Hebrew context but has more to do with living in accordance with one another and God in harmony... ie not being at war.

This is intriguing me and making me rethink the 'peace of God' and what it means to be filled with God's peace. When I use the peace test and have peace about a decision its not that I am quiet about it - its that I'm not at war within myself, I'm not disturbed in my spirit but I'm content and confident in my choice.

Last night I had a conversation that probably should have happened a while ago. I came away from it filled with great peace and settled in myself for the first time in a while and I realised that this area had been effecting all of the rest of my life simply because I didn't have peace within myself and was continually questioning, doubting, reconsidering my thoughts and actions. I had been seeking God and wondering why I was struggling so much... seems this is one of a few things that I was at war with in my head and spirit and I could not resolve it on my own. Having started to do so my whole demeanor is so much improved and I feel God at work as He shapes my understanding and heart in a new way. Peace. It's soooo good!!!

^{Philippians 4:4}Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. ⁵Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The Holy Bible : New Revised Standard Version. 1996, c1989 . Thomas Nelson: Nashville

Longing sux!

2009-05-08T23:56:00.004+12:00

In community worship a few weeks ago I think Rod raised the suggestion that we need to long more - to dream - to hope - to imagine - to desire. Well as far as I am concerned longing doesn't happen so much because it opens me up to an awareness of what is not possible, to what I cannot change, to pain, to frustration, to weakness, to devastation, to a deep insatiable ache in my soul that I cannot assuage and God is seemingly asking me to wait on. and on. and on.

I'm not saying longing is wrong but I am saying it is costly and in a full life it brings in a new dimension I'm not sure I want to sacrifice for and yet I'm not sure I can ignore either.

So is it best to embrace longing wholeheartedly or at a distance? Does it matter? I don't know... yet

Hmph convictions!!!

2009-05-08T00:01:00.002+12:00

Arghhhhhhhhhh that last blog required absolutely no vulnerability from me and now Im kinda convicted by that oversight. If I tried to write down all thats going through my heart and mind these days I don't know if I would stop writing for hours... too much too much.

So me = vulnerable = I want to qualify what I want to say lol.
I think I have a clearer idea now of who God is, therefore of who I am, therefore of what He has created me for / is calling me to. Which is pastoring, marriage, family, AND scholarship. Scholarship meaning doing applied research into the NZ context and relaying insights gained to the NZ church as a whole in various unforeseen God-ways. So be it. Now to find ways of growing in these areas without getting off track, without just sitting back and waiting on God making all the moves, and while still letting Him move the boundary lines as I go about life...

Vulnerable conversations

2009-05-07T23:38:00.002+12:00

I think I live in a world, a society, a culture, which is afraid to be honest.
I think that my generation has seen so much abuse of trust,
brokenness and confusion over what it means to be a person - to be part of a functioning family or group,
and so much tolerance where nothing is unacceptable or critiquable and no standards are evident,
that we don't believe in being vulnerable anymore.
Vulnerability means abuse
means pain
means rejection
means tolerance with no offer of transformation.

When we come to the church
with these views of the world
we try to remain invulnerable
leading to
legalism
Pharisees
facades
Perfect Christians - clean on the outside and filthy inside.

If we allow Jesus to transform us maybe
just maybe
becoming vulnerable
admitting doubts
confusion
fears
sins
Sin

maybe we might find
others
who feel the same, behave the same, want the same
instead of acceptance of ourselves as we are (which validates our Sin and changes nothing)
encouragement to do better,
deep love urging us to change,
hope for a better future,

a way to reach people. Christian and non-Christian.
a way to love people. Christian and non-Christian.
a way to be the church.
a way to be real.

Vulnerable.

Why want a miracle?

2009-04-27T10:16:00.004+12:00

In John it says that to do the work of Jesus is to believe in Him - the one who was sent. It also says that the disciples sought Jesus out after the miracle of the loaves and fishes not because the miracle was a sign but rather because they ate their fill of the food. Hmmm. Why do we seek miracles? Is it for the miracle itself (healing from cancer or pain or distress, relief from financial struggle, redemption of a hardened friend) or is it as a sign that points to the supremacy and Lordship of Jesus Christ that we might believe more and that others might know that He is God? I think that Jesus is saying here that our greatest desire must be that He Himself would be glorified through the Sign pointing to Him ie the miracle.

Does that mean I cant ask that God heal me when I am sick because I have a big assignment due and I need health to be able to focus? No. I think rather it means that I should always be seeking first to see God glorified and be willing to accept that often that means I need to simply persevere and try to glorify Him in my illness by pointing to Him at all times and believing in Him in all things. When He does bring healing or other miracles to bear it means that I need to not focus on the miracle (Wow I'm healthy! Or look I prayed and got $200 out of the blue its a MIRACLE) but rather on the one who made the miracle (Praise God - He saw my need and He met it, He is so good!). I wonder if a change in focus results in more miracles ;)

Decisions... at 2am?!?!

2009-03-28T13:20:00.002+13:00

I simply could not sleep last night and I almost blogged then but decided to read my bible instead - no not a 'holy' response rather a desperate hunger for God born partly out of a lack of time spent in the bible recently. I came up here to study absolutely passionate about research into the family and violence and behavioural cycles and spiritual cycles and legacies passsed down and I am finding now Im here and actually can study these things that I am no longer passionate about them - its like its not an urgent response within me. Instead I am kinda obsessed with the church, with salvation, with the need to confront religiosity within myself and within others, with the need to preach a message of repentance of self-sufficiency and of the continual need to do battle with sin and rely upon God's grace... in short a message for satisfied christians of whom I often am one. A message that I needed to hear and continue to need to hear and its kinda burning in me. I dont want to do my assignments and yet when I do they fit into this story, this message. I dont want to focus on what I ought to - I am devouring podcasts from a variety of sources, Christian fiction is really speaking to my heart, I am intrigued by books from a variety of sources and each area seems to just all feed into one cohesive whole...

So what do I do?!?! Seriously this is destroying my sleep, consuming my thoughts and leaving me vaguely feeling dismay and guilt that I am not achieving what I thought I set out to do and yet its so fulfilling to keep pursuing this stuff. Oh Lord please help me draw nearer to You and develop the fruit of self-discipline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dang.

Revelation = deconstruction of self

2009-03-13T13:42:00.002+13:00

Im currently sitting under my desk in my room - seemed nice for a change of position lol - and reflecting on the past couple of weeks listening to a love songs CD compilation full of songs I love but wouldnt classify as 'love' songs go figure!

I had lunch with friends yesterday and then chatted with a couple of 'newbie friends' and then finished the day on phone with closest friends. Sitting here I realised that how I relate to each group is completely different and, though no less genuine, varied in terms of guardedness. Hmmm.

Then I realised that I really am going through a period of de and re construction really. All the things that I thought made up 'me' but were really circumstantial or brought about by establishing operations are being broken down and lost without those circumstances here in Auckland and so I feel lost and confused and adrift. Yet at the same time I am striving to adapt to the new and so I am being reconstructed - not so much losing stuff just having it reorganised and reshaped. All of which means its an awesome opportunity to grow even more intertwined to God and be more holy or set apart to Him but also requires time and intentionality and space and well pain.

Its weird - talking on the phone last night my friends reminded me of who I was, of the convictions I had before moving, of the values I hold and it was like wow yes thats right... it brought back my equilibrium a bit. Up till then i was so busy adapting I was losing sense of who I am at base and so I think I need to spend time working on that a bit. All of this self-work that I never realised I would need to do. Which is actually quite inconvenient really cos I desperately need to get organised and ready for block course and am in the process of job interviews and stuff none of which I think are quite right for me and this time in my life. Oh well at least Im learning and growing, lol.

Tired

2009-03-05T22:03:00.002+13:00

I'm actually really tired - wanted to blog today but really and truly not much happened to make me pause... I started out creating art from scripture, went to a meeting, had lunch and then went road tripping with Elizabeth, came home, had a long chat with Hannah, had dinner, watched Amazing Grace with heaps of people, fringed on a pillow fight, watched half of wall-e and now to bed. Fascinating stuff. Tomorrow I drive back to the mighty Waikato and I have mixed feelings bout that. We will see. I'm feeling a lot better about the Halls but maybe will blog about that when my mind is cleaner. As in less full and tired and fuzzy. Oh and last night I was blessed by the gift of a friend - through prayer, words and finances all of which humbled me mightily. God is so gracious regardless of my holiness ie set-apart-to-Himness or lack thereof and the family of God is such a blessing and a strength. Romans 12:9-13 is such a challenge and a blessing =)

luv and hugs
tired me

Movie night

2009-03-04T09:38:00.002+13:00

Had my first three hour lecture on Monday night and well 3 hours is a loooong time to sit and listen but it was still fascinating, I think I'm going to really enjoy the worldviews course. My only other lecture is on today from 1.30 to 4.30 and I'm looking forward to it too - and this time I have peanut m'n'm's cos my allowance came through and will pay my accomodation from now on plus my parents were able to send emergency money through finally while I wait for the other two areas to be sorted so yay and Thankyou Lord for amazingly generous parents.

Yes it seems like a frivolous thing to spend emergency money on but YOU try sitting through 3 hours of lecturing and not have something to boost your blood sugar levels and keep your mind active!

Yesterday we had a powhiri, I studied all afternoon and rewrote my cv, we had a halls-wide meeting and then watched half of 'The Castle'. Today I'm studying this morning - well soon I will be - with a lecture this arvo and then off to free movies in the park tonight. Life is pretty full which is great for taking my mind off things. I think yesterday was the first day I really felt like I was 'here' - we were finally welcomed onto campus properly and officially met everyone from the womens side living in the singles rooms plus we had the head counselling guy come talk to us about the realities of community living and well it just made it all seem real. It felt like we were all in this together... up until then it kinda felt like people would do the obligatory who are you etc convo and then avoid any other deeper conversations, now we dont have any excuses. I cant observe anymore I have to immerse myself in this and its weird but its good. Tomorrow night we have a BBQ at the laidlaw bach on Piha beach so I can only hope that will build further on this week.

I miss kids - oh boy do I miss being around kids.
I miss hugs and physical contact in general.
I miss the ease of long term relationships and friendships where I dont have to explain myself or end up hiding how I feel for fear of disturbing someone.
I miss being able to have breakfast after 8am lol.
I miss juice and milk and fresh veges and salads.
I miss being around guys and not feeling like I have to watch everything I say and do.
I miss accountability. Knowing people care enough that if I act or speak out of line they will pull me up on it.
I miss church family.
I miss being able to talk to Mum anytime I want to.
I miss being able to walk on my own.

But thats ok. It's only been a week and hey I have free counselling services if I need them!

I praise God for awesome lecturers and a caring student leadership.
I praise God that I am healthy.
I praise God for the finances that he has cleared the way to fall into place.
I praise God that I can learn and grow in Him without persecution.
I praise God for beautiful beaches and parks and peace.
I praise God for Elizabeth and Lousie and Angelene n' Ian.
I praise God for this lovely room with a garden view and thick walls!
I praise God for community and the truths that come from living in it.
I praise God for the grace he gives me every day that I might be gracious to others.
I praise God for the lovely kitchen man who gave me sushi yesterday cos I couldn't eat with everyone else.
I praise God for the car he has provided and the protection he has given it so far.
I praise God for His word and the serenity that even a single verse can provoke in my otherwise disturbed soul.
I praise God for His constant everlasting love and provision.
I praise God.

I was ok... till today

2009-03-02T15:40:00.003+13:00

Funny how everything can be fine and then the last straw just sends you into emotional melt down. The last couple of weeks have been full of my grandparents and shifting and emotional upheaval and its only been this last two days or so that I have relaxed and unwound and had time to just be and now its finally starting to hit me.

I'm feeling constantly stressed, stressed by the new environment, new experiences, constant uncertainty and change. Stressed by the finances that just dont seem to ever be easy (my parents bank accounts are in limbo due to house change and new mortgage etc and studylink have had a fortnight and not even touched my hardship application AND my boss didnt sort out my final pay properly so missing all my holiday pay all of which means that the $731 in rent alone that I have paid Laidlaw has been a huge stretch and I have yet to work out how I will finance the rest of my life ie food, phone, petrol, books, photocopying blah blah blah for the next few weeks while it all gets sorted out), stressed by trying to find a church, stressed by driving ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I'm really just stressed and stretched all out of shape and despite the good things that are happening I am stresssssssssssed.

No great lesson or moral. Just stress.

Blast from the past

2009-03-01T12:40:00.002+13:00

This morning I tried out my first local church. Having been to a friends birthday party last night and seen a lot of people from my first real church family there I decided I would go back to my roots a little and attend Lincoln Rd Bible Chapel of Brethren denomination. It was different. I walked in by myself, having planned to meet friends there, and stood alone for what felt like ages but was probably 3mins max. A couple of girls asked me if I was new and alone and offered to sit with me if I liked but when I said I was waiting drifted off again. Finally an older lady approached me and chatted away introducing probably 8 or so people to me and then sitting with me while I waited for my friends who were rather late. This really was inviting and friendly, a little overwhelming to meet so many people in so short a time but at the same time it meant that they all knew I was new and would be more likely to approach me if I was by myself after the service. Someone also came up and invited me to lunch to meet the elders and get to know people which, had I been more interested in the church and not had friends afterwards, I would have been tempted to attend.

I did enjoy the relaxed service style, family atmosphere and the simplicity of communion. The worship time was quite offputting with songs from my youth featuring for the majority and very little movement or physical expression evident. I mean it was lovely for a visit and the words were all meaningful and thought provoking but for a home church I would struggle week after week and I dont want to add hindrances to worshipping God if not necessary. Also it is my understanding that women do not preach or teach and certainly women did not seem to have a main role (though I may be wrong) in the running of the service. Certainly this denomination is far more complementarian than most.

All in all it is a lovely church but just not me. I went expecting that but was still pleasantly surprised by how friendly people were and am not sorry I confirmed this. So now I need to find an evening service...

I feel loved

2009-02-27T23:43:00.003+13:00

Its funny how you can almost dread something, make yourself go with a good attitude, and then end up having the best of times... I went out tonight to a friends birthday party and well to be honest I dont really know him or his wife, they are more good friends of my good friends who I have accordingly caught up with a bit this past year or so. Anyway I was not feeling incredibly excited about going - driving to unknown place in dark and rain - and meeting even more new people and having the awkward 'so what are you studying' chats repetitively.

I went. I only got lost on the way twice and refound my way without the map so they dont really count. And it was actually really fun. I came away feeling refreshed, relaxed, happy, and funnily enough cherished. It wasnt the hostess - though she was truly lovely and made me feel so welcome, at home and included that I have to conclude she has the gift of hospitality in spades - and it wasn't even the people as I didn't know anyone else as I expected, it was God. He knew how I have been feeling and somehow through this evening of laughter and joking and community He communicated love to me and I am sitting here just feeling so much happier and valued and just touched tonight.

What is so amazing about this is that it lasted through the drive home which was a nightmare of missed turns, slick streets making the road markings impossible to see, sheets of rain, and poor decision making. I was scared confused and a little panicky and yet now I am warm dry and feeling cherished still. Amazing. Simply amazing. I praise the Lord, I praise God who knows me, loves me, and brings me great joy.

Halls

2009-02-27T08:31:00.002+13:00

I have finally moved cities and well its a shock to the system and it isnt... the hardest thing is being too far from friends to go 'I'm feeling lonely/bored/confused/hurt/happy' and share it with them in person yet with communication services it is easy to still keep up relationships and I could just drive down if I really wanted to/could afford it. It's weird, having the same support networks and stuff just not the same face to face physical experiences of that.

The thing I am most nervous/excited about is finding a church to plant myself in (this sentence to imply not self reliance but yeah too tired to rephrase). I have met heaps and heaps of people in the Halls and college but am yet to feel any instant connections with anyone and thats made me wonder. I dont think I had considered that before moving up I guess I must have just subconsciously thought that the Halls was going to be a multicultural equivalent of my church and that I would naturally be drawn to the people here. I'm not. It kinda makes sense now that I think on it but it has challenged me a bit. In a church - even a large church - people of like minds and similar worldviews generally congregate, I mean not everyone gets along or is exactly the same but in general they have to have similar perspectives on lots of things otherwise the church body would always be in conflict and major upheaval. At a bible college people are drawn together by a mutual desire to learn about God and how to serve Him but beyond that we are studying a variety of things in a variety of life stages with very different beliefs and worldviews and so for everyone to click straight off would be weird.

That said I will continue to work at building relationships but it will be work and intentional and thats not what I was really expecting I guess... hence right now a church I could feel more at home in is a definite priority.

I slept in and church went byebye

2009-01-25T10:39:00.002+13:00

I'm kinda sad - my sleeping habits are screwy at the moment and I'm struggling to feel healthy but still its a choice to get up and go to church and I didnt choose to ensure I woke up in time to go. The older I get as a Christian the more I realise how sinful I am. Year before last I was sooo happy with how much I had grown and God had changed and removed from my life - now I'm horrified by how much more needs to be done! Humbling? Yes because it makes me realise how much less I need to become and how much more God needs to take over in my life.

Loving the city - time to get uncomfortable

2009-01-24T23:29:00.004+13:00

Been listening to Marc Driscoll preaching again - this time from the Resurgence podcasts - and I'm getting stirred again. I love Hamilton the city to bits. I love the setting, the scenery, the laziness, the people I know both family and church family and friends, and I guess I love how comfortable and content I am here too. But I also know that the reasons as to why I emotionally love Hamilton also mean that I don't practically love it... I'm too comfortable in my routine and knowledge. I don't go out on the town at night, I don't cruise the Te Rapa straight on the weekends, I don't explore areas known to be 'dodgy', I don't notice the areas of social despair and disrepair. I love my version of Hamilton - not the reality of Hamilton.

Moving to Auckland I'm intending to make sure I don't get stuck in comfy city mode and I'm also starting to pray that it changes my understanding and approach to Hamilton too. I love Hamilton so much that I truly desire long term to live and minister and love here so for this reason too I am moving away - I want to be able to see Hamilton and learn to love it practically too.

On September 21, 2007, Mark Driscoll was invited to speak at the Convergent Conference at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. In this session listen at Pastor Mark explains the major streams of the Emerging Church and specifically, the sub-set of of the Emerging Church, known as the "Emergent Church".

Suffering

2009-01-19T19:50:00.003+13:00

I recently had a friend declare themselves not a Christian after choosing to be a Christian for several years. She described God as being cruel and stated that He created her to suffer for His enjoyment. Wow.

I'm not sure I responded well to her statements in the moment - though I prayed and talked at the same time and trust that God was with me (and her!) - but I have definitely thought about them since. Thing is I KNOW she is wrong, disregarding for the moment that the personal relationship I share with God rejects that possibility entirely simply on the basis of the love, peace, hope, joy and grace that He has blessed me with, the bible clearly tells us this is not so.

To know what God thinks of suffering we need to look at Christ His son. Jesus experienced suffering - enduring extreme suffering on the cross for our redemption - and saw it as a necessary part of life because of our sin. Did God enjoy this? NO! Did Jesus enjoy this? NO! He even asked that it be taken from him before submitting to God the Fathers will. But it was necessary. Suffering allowed us to return to relationship with God. It was not God's choice that suffering exist rather we chose it by choosing to sin.

However that aside...

What got my attention was that this woman had appeared to be a Christian for years and yet clearly either did not ever truly know God or didnt know the God I know. My God is the God of the bible. His love is expressed on every page. His mercy and grace is described in detail. He suffers along with me when I suffer and accepts me and loves me even when I sin against Him causing Him pain and anguish. He talks with me and showers blessings into my life. So how did this friend miss all this? How could we have not noticed she didnt really know who Father God is?

This is not a guilt trip. I do not feel guilty for not 'doing' more or spending more time with this friend. I know I have been far too busy with far too many responsibilities which have only been distractions from spending time with God. I know I reached my limits. My heart is for my friend and I pray and long for the time when she really gets to know Father God. But I do want to explore these thoughts more for the future.

On reflection I wonder if we - we being the church as a whole - need to become more 'hardline' on discipline. Self-discipline is a fruit of the spirit, it is given and grown by and with God, not a result of will power. There are 8 more fruits, gentleness goodness faithfulness joy peace love patience and kindness. If we do not see these fruits growing in strength and presence in fellow Christians lives we need to gently and lovingly ask about them, see how they are going, help them, teach them, hold them accountable. We need to be disciplined in 'judging' fellow Christians and challenging them to grow in relationship with God. If we hold one another accountable and bring discipline into the way we do so then I think we ensure the church grows as a whole.

If this was happening I wonder if then we might be more likely to spot in-name-only Christians. People who either talk the talk but choose not to walk the walk or people who believe they are genuine Christians and are not in relationship with God with unregenerated hearts(regenerated hearts are those that God has changed and are reborn desiring to follow God's law doing good rather than unregenerated hearts that are ultimately desiring to sin and these desires being suppressed or given into) who are left trying to do everything in their own strength and thus keep failing.

Maybe this would mean we would be able to lovingly explain why things are so hard and who God really is to them before they give up on God and Christianity as being too hard and too judgemental and too cruel...

Life is sooooo hard. I cannot imagine doing it without God and His grace and mercy. Christianity is a really hard path to travel within life. To do it in my own strength would be to fail repeatedly hour after hour. I would be so depressed and discouraged and disillusioned. I cannot begin to comprehend trying to do life and be a Christian without God. That must truly be hellish. Maybe thats why so many Christians fall away from God - they either never knew Him or their relationship with Him grew distant and they forgot who He truly is...

Time to draw close again.

2009-01-19T19:44:00.002+13:00

I have resolved not to keep explaining away why this is not a regular thing - I accept that sometimes it is and sometimes its not. Thats cool with me.

So.

It was a very hard year again and I found myself at the end of it pretty much as close to burn out as you can get without being irretrievably changed in personality and capacity and I can only account for that by means of God's grace upon me. He knows my limits far better than I did and do though I pray I am more aware now too! Having taken a couple of months off - well as 'off' as I could financially survive upon - I find myself still quite easily tired and easily frustrated but with space to think and breathe and be again. I also have health which I am profoundly grateful for.

All of which means Im pondering this year and the things that happened and trying to draw truths from them...

YAWN

2008-08-07T00:45:00.002+12:00

I am really really really tired - so many really late nights studying and blogging and the scary thing is I can't see me getting a break for a few weeks! On the up side though I am an incredibly happy person at the moment which is weird - usually lots of study + tooth ache + extreme exhaustion + lots of work = stressed out negative melancholy me but no, I'm good. I'm Actually Great.

I think what I am experiencing is called GRACE - the realisation that I will never be and have never been righteous or even close to good on my own has sunk in again and I am pretty much reliant on God and His all consuming Grace to do anything of worth in this world.

In addition a lot of the practical steps and things I've done to sort out the issues I have been facing these past few months are bearing fruit - Yay.

Also yesterday a prophet prophesied some stuff into and over my life and well it confirmed some stuff that has been in my spirit, that I had sensed, but had not really stepped into cos I'm scared of being 'went not sent' as Danny Guggs puts it. Plus he talked a lot about generational sin and iniquity which fascinates me and please Lord will turn into a thesis some day as we need Need NEED more teaching and understanding in this area of pastoral care in the church.

All of which is intriguing me as to why my spirit is so light at the moment and why now God and I are motoring along together on a variety of different levels.

I once heard it described this way. Think of a series of ponds linked together with one pond feeding and filtering slowly into the next just below it and that into the next and so on. As the water flows down slowly silt or dirt settles at the bottom of each pool - think of this as sin and worldliness. This stays undisturbed and the water remains clear. When a flood of water comes crashing through though the bottom is disturbed and all the dirt is swirled around muddying the water. However a lot of the dirt is washed downstream and the clean water continues to come and fill the pools leaving a much cleaner bottom and clearer water ultimately once the flood is done. If we see our sin as the mud and the water our medium through which we see and connect with God it makes sense its harder to have connection in crises as the mud is swirling but when the crises clears and the sin and character issues are washed away we are much better people for it and our relationship with God is much closer too. Very intriguing... oh but soooo good to be coming out the other side! I LOOOOOOOOOOVE GOD!!!

Developing thoughts as I study Ecclesiology...

2008-08-05T09:51:00.000+12:00

Common worship. What is worship? What is our role on earth? We are to be imitators of God. What is the Holy Spirits role? To embody the relationship and love experienced between God the Father and God the Son and to join with us and enable us to experience that relationship and love and then to extend that to others. When we join in communion or communal giving we are symbolically joining in to that union. We are coming together just as the Trinity is in community together and saying that we are one, of one body, of one flesh.

God is not prideful that we might be humble, sometimes seems hard to worship a God who seems to expect continual praise and devotion and sacrifice because He is all powerful and mighty and our creator. When we think this way though we forget that God is three in one. The bible teaches that Jesus is the perfect example of humility – putting aside himself to death that God the Father might receive all glory. Likewise the Spirit comes to bring glory to the Father and to the Son. The Father Himself sacrificed His son for us putting our needs before His. This humility and love is continually demonstrated in the way God is in community and always has been. If we can begin to grasp that then we can understand why God demands that we be humble. It is only in humility that true community and love can be experienced and that is Gods desire for us – that we be in perfect community and love with Him and with all of His creation. Seen in this light humility and worship become much more desirable!

Questions I ponder

2008-08-05T00:13:00.002+12:00

MMMMMMMMMMMmm yummy my house smells like Pea and Ham soup...

Theology. I study it, I listen to various peoples takes on it and I wrestle with it but increasingly I find that I actually NEED to be able to take some stands. Problem is at the moment my stands last only until I hit a better argument. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing - but its frustrating! Take (dare I even type it lol) women in ministry. I currently work with several men who have no issue with it and attend a church and am in a denomination which embrace women in all roles - including senior human pastors of churches. That said I grew up in a home where women were firmly seen as ultimately to be submissive to their husbands and in churches where women often did not even speak during worship in church.

I have really looked into this. I've had to as its been so on my heart and mind. Thing is I am 100% sure God has created me and gifted me with the intention of having me take a pastoral role in the church and for full time church based ministry. Which is fantastic as I LOVE this!!! But I happen to be single - which is fine! - leaving me with questions such as 'what if my husband is not similarly gifted?' and 'to what extent do I believe that God ordains women for ministry and to what level of authority?'. I do believe men and women are created equal. I also believe we were created differently, different roles, different positions on an equal level. So. I know women in the NT took on leading roles in various churches but I also know that Jesus chose 12 MALE disciples, no female ones, who went on to preach the gospel and help build the kingdom of God. I believe that Godly women are to be allowed and encouraged to speak in church and specifically to teach the younger women.

In addition I know I work best alongside someone helping them to achieve a common goal and that ultimately I prefer to relinquish big decisions to someone else rather than make that call myself alone. All of this does not influence my theology as such but still add tgo my thoughts on this whole area.

Oh the inner tumult!

But the soup smells great =)

The delights of Hospitality!

2008-08-03T23:46:00.003+12:00

I have rediscovered in the past 6 months break from study the joy of having creative time. Not spare time because I rarely if ever have that but creative time. Time in which I take a break and decide to use for me and God's glory. Don't take that to mean my glory and God's - read it as me time which is for God's glory. Anyway.

A friend invited me to come paint some months ago and I got to experiment with oils for the first time - that was awesome and occasionally I take time to finish off paintings I started now.

These past couple of weeks I have had the honour of hosting a few people to dinner and been able to bless those who have really blessed me. I have really enjoyed being able to make my home inviting and being able to really cook and create from base ingredients. Expensive yes but so much fun and so relaxing.

I think I enjoy these things precisely because they take time. You cannot paint an oil painting in a 30min segment. Well I can't. Making soup from scratch can take an entire day. To do a roast well its best to cook it on a low heat for a long time.

In addition they really don't take up a lot of brain space. They do initially but then the actual process tends to be labour intensive not mind draining. Which means that I have time to think, to ponder, to brood, to hover.

In our recent church conference the idea of hovering was brought to the fore when Genesis 1 was discussed. God is a God of order and the bible says that the earth was formless. In various translations the earth is decribed as empty, a wasteland, void and the like. The speaker suggested that this would have been contrary to God's very nature - one of order and diversity and that He responded not by going into over drive but rather that the Spirit of God hovered over all this. Considered it, mused, brooded, before then slowly day by day bringing form and creation into being. He formulated a plan, He did things in logical order and He didn't rush it like a bull at a fence.

I think creating things in the right order, in a timely manner, with fore thought and insight, is a great way to connect with God! In addition to it bringing us into closer relation and understanding of Him and His ways it also gives us time to consider ourselves and our ways and how they differ. Brooding, hovering, considering, pondering, thinking, and bringing Glory to God all in 'me' time. What an awesome experience!!!

Sinful selfish prideful me

2008-08-03T01:34:00.004+12:00

Its been awhile...

I'm currently in bed nursing a tooth ache and waiting for painkillers to kick in and pondering some of the stuff thats been going on in my life in the last six months and I came to the conclusion that writing stuff down has helped me clarify in the past so here goes.

Communication. Its key. I know that have known it and have prided myself on it but I have discovered recently that I'm only as good as the person hearing me! So heres the story:

I work in a situation where effectively I have numerous bosses who all can and do chip in with requests opinions visions and demands at various times but usually it all muddles along alright. When another person was thrown into the mix things looked like they would become a lot clearer - one person to connect with, communicate directly with, be accountable etc.

However I quickly learnt that what I thought was effective communication apparently was not! See I started with huge expectations. We had talked, prior to their arrival, about a mutual desire for open communication, regular meetings, flat authority or shared decision making rather than hierachy as such, team work and the like. However the reality soon became to me at least the opposite.

In the first month we had the same conversation as to where I wanted to be in the team and my values and dreams a good five times. Sounds great? Well problem was each time I was asked the same questions, each time I gave pretty much the same responses, and each time the reaction was surprise and enthusiasm and support. I allowed myself to become increasingly offended, upset and frustrated. I assumed that the apparent lack of recall was due to a lack of valuing of our talks and therefore me, due to an inability or lack of intention to truly listen to me.

The same would happen in meetings about future plans and intentions. What was discussed in meetings was not followed through on and when rementioned the reaction would be surprise. confusion and an assurance that they knew nothing about said plans. I took this to be incompetency, again a lack of valuing and a sign of poor memory. I allowed this to fuel my frustration, anger and confusion.

Being analytical I decided to enforce the taking of notes and writing down of plans so that I could not be 'accused' of not keeping everyone informed (see the selfish intentions) and this, when followed up on, worked to a certain extent but did not extend to addressing the way I was feeling.

All of this was eating me up inside. I felt guilty, passionless, began to avoid work, became sick, and began to cry out for advice and help. Problem was was that I did so in quite a prideful manner. So I would explain to someone how I was feeling, the frustrations I was having, the pride I was dealing with, the 'steps' I was taking to address such frustrations and pride (ie writing things down, praying) and basically ask for sympathy and approval.

To cut a long story short things were really not good! It got to the point where another person in authority got me to talk and talk about the situation and then enabled me to see WHY the situation was not working. I am a verbal person - funny cos I like to think by writing but like to communicate with people face to face! I remember conversations well and I find written conversations can easily be misread. This other person does not remember verbal discussions well and my continuing to communicate my feelings/impressions verbally had resulted in me feeling like I was batting my head against a brick wall for good reason - I was! Rather than realise this and attempt to communicate in a different way I had given up. Which certainly had not helped the situation.

In addition I love to work in teams aiding and abetting, adding my ideas and encouraging everyone to give and be their best. Because this person is very comfortable in doing their own thing I was never able to do that with them and so I was feeling very unvalued and again they were completely unaware. When I offered to help it was not recalled and so again I withdrew rather than seeing and addressing the issue.

I value systems and planning, details and well thought out and discussed events. This person goes by faith working out details as they approach them. Eventually I can see these two strengths complementing each other as foresight in big picture added to foresight in details is a great mix but these past months I had seen this as incompetency and lack of foresight and planning and so my faith in the persons abilities was eroded and my respect decreased.

Chalk and cheese - instead of working as a team they were steaming ahead and I was in stalled mode and feeling very self righteous lol.

NOW I can see how and why I ended up feeling so alone. It was all about communication! But the thing was I really needed someone to show me that - I was so entrenched I could not see the trees, the forest, anything except the truck in front of me... As a result I know that all of the issues I was having with this person they were having with me in various forms and ultimately neither of us was at fault as such for the initial issues. I now know that I was certainly at fault for the way I conducted myself, for the pride, for the negativity, for the inability to separate my emotions from my actions and for the way I talked about this person with family as I sought to deal with the issues I had with them.

Accordingly I am working on these areas! I have apologised - both in email format and face to face and expressed my willingness to work on things. I have continued to think, ponder and analyse myself and my reactions, I have asked to be held accountable for the words I speak and I have repented and asked God's forgiveness and help to remedy these flaws in my character and relationships. I am also trying to pray positively for this person and the whole situation regularly. This is part of the whole process of analysing I guess the lessons I have learnt and am learning. I certainly don't wish to go through this process again!!!

Ultimately I did and do look up to this person and admire the way they live their life for the Lord and I certainly wish to see them succeed in all they put their hands to. I just wish that I hadn't allowed myself to get bogged down in the selfishness of my heart and accordingly miss out on half a years worth of passionate ministry. I know my actions and condition influence others and I am deeply sorry for the negative effect I have had. My prayer is that God will remedy all that I have done and even make something beautiful out of it all. Without Him I would be lost!!!

Just as an aside I post this not for my own glory (for I surely dont deserve it and hope that has not come across at all!!!). and certainly not to denegrate the other involved (hopefully the opposite in fact for putting up with all of this) but in case anyone can relate and may be helped by it... please, if you are stuck in a place of discontent, talk to someone about it! It can change the whole situation and bring light back in where darkness festers...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

2008-01-07T10:55:00.000+13:00

Wow - yesterday was absolutely fantastic! It was cloudy and hot but I'd had it in my head that after church a group of us should actually DO something rather than just hang about in Hams or repeat the Raglan love affair. So I suggested we go to Karangahake gorge and in the end 26 of us all drove out to the Gorge for the afternoon, walked through the tunnel and then most of us went and had dinner in Waihi before going for a long walk on the beach and praying under the stars. Was a bit of a mammoth effort and we were completely unorganised but that was the beauty of it. Longtime friends and new acquaintances made that day, old (a Grandma) and young (13) all hanging out , relaxing and encouraging one another in the majestic beauty that is Gods creation - it really made my heart sing!

When life becomes all about getting through each day and doing 'the right thing' I think we lose a part of what makes us essentially Christian - the joy of the Lord. Thats what made yesterday so special for me - I was full of joy and wonder, joy at connecting with new people, joy at having fun with friends, joy in relaxing, joy in experiencing firsthand Gods provision and creativity. Joy.

We are hopefully going to invite the whole church next Sunday to join us - rather then mostly focusing on the Youth! Maybe trying out somewhere near Thames or even just Lake Karapiro. All welcome!

Thing is - we need to community the fellowship we find at church not for 'refueling' so much as to find companions to go through life with. To play with, cry with, stumble with and yell at. I am so grateful for my church family. Knowingly and unknowingly they have lifted me and supported me this week and this has helped me change the little habits I had been forming and step back up onto the track again. THANKS GUYS!!!

Oh I do like to ramble =)

Thoughts =P

2008-01-04T15:32:00.000+13:00

When I was younger I used to read fiction books voraciously. Seriously. Thats where most of my weird big words come from cos I ALWAYS had my nose in a book. At the time it would drive my Mum nuts but it was a coping mechanism that I just couldn't cope without. It shut out all the other thoughts and fears and emotions that I couldn't deal with and let me live vicariously through someone else.

There came a time though when I had to start living my own life, dealing with my own pain and moving on. Thats when I started to become addicted to busyness - again busyness is something that prevents you from having to think, to stop, reflect and move on refreshed and enlightened.
Funny thing is - when I'm not busy I tend to retreat to (you guessed it) books =S

I have a feeling this is why a lot of guys are 'addicted' to video and computer games... why women always have 3+ things on the go... why NZ is full of workaholics.

When you are on the go 24/7, when noise and drama and things fill your life, rarely do we have to actually stop and ask the big questions: who AM I? why do I exist? is this a good idea? why do I keep finding myself in the same situations?

Having time to think for yourself seems to be a luxury and most of us would prefer to let others tell us the solutions rather than come up with them ourselves.

I wonder if this is also a huge part of the problem we have with listening in New Zealand - do we struggle to listen to others because the voices in our own heads that we keep avoiding and suppressing are screaming so loud to be heard that they drown out everyone else as well? I've noticed girls especially will talk at each other not to each other - each is having their own conversation out loud with themself on a totally different topic and both leave satisfied, possbily because they've just allowed themself to say what they really feel in a safe setting to THEMSELVES.

How can we hope to listen to God if we haven't listened to ourselves first and are quiet enought and still enough to settle to hear Him?

Maybe blogging too is a form of 'thinking' to oneself in a safe socially acceptable setting?

The Cat came back...

2008-01-03T12:52:00.001+13:00

Wow long time no blog - at least on blogspot that is! Today I got a comment in Portuguese and I was intrigued enough to go and translate it - Babelfish and the internet in general is a wonderful thing! - which led me back to my sorely neglected blogspot.

A month or so ago at church we did a series covering 9 different pathways through which we can connect with God - despite all the teaching on this I ended up focusing on one pathway to the exclusion of all others this past month and now find myself in a rut =S so here I am back to blogging to try and kickstart my journey again.

Its funny the way we each journey with God. During the winter and especially the frantic semester times I find it far easier to include God - to allow Him entry. Come summer and a season where I FINALLY have time to sleep and breathe and relax to the point of boredom and it feels like all the old barriers are up again and as I don't have to make an effort to fit Him in timewise I find I don't make any effort at all and the days slip by without meaningful dialog or growth.
And it hurts.
And I'm lonely.
But its all my OWN doing.

Whats with that? It is so true that God never leaves us - we leave Him. I am increasingly convinced that Christianity is not series of actions but rather its a direction towards God. When we stop moving towards Him or even start to retreat does that mean we are no longer Christians though? No. I think it means we are no longer behaving like Christians but our basic identity remains the same. When we change our identity deliberately and start moving towards another central idea or thing THEN I think we stop being Christian. But then those are just MY thoughts so far.

So what am I doing about all this? Well for sure I'm admitting to certain people that things are not cool with me and God at the moment. I'm also heading back down paths that have drawn me closer to God in the past and also down paths I went down when I was closer to God than I am now. Don't get me wrong I haven't left God for a time and come back its more that I haven't been deliberately seeking God and putting time and energy and thought into our relationship and this is having a really unhealthy effect on me.

If anything I have learned that the time of change - especially between life seasons - is a really easy time to fall away from old habits, healthy and unhealthy, and I need to be more aware and intentional than ever at those times. Otherwise I will keep on learning the same lessons Im learning at the moment.

Its much easier to use momentum to keep growing closer to God than to have to start yourself moving from a dead halt - Trust me!!!!

Something to ponder

2007-09-24T23:27:00.000+12:00

Acts 16 v4 As they went from town to town, they delivered to them for observance the decisions that had been reached by the apostles and elders who were in Jerusalem. 5 So the churches were strengthened in the faith and increased in numbers daily.

The Holy Bible : New Revised Standard Version. Nashville : Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1989, S. Ac 16:4

So to see a strengthening in our faith (as the church as a collective body) do we too need decisions to be made by the elders, the leaders, the senior apostles of the faith, which can then strengthen us through the unity they create? Would a stand, for example prohibiting actively homosexual members of the church from being promoted into ministry, actually strengthen us rather than weaken us due to exclusion?

There is a time to be hesitant and cautious and then there is a time to make the hard decision and stick to it - realising when each time begins and ends can be difficult but is crucial I think as it can both strengthen and weaken the church.

Generosity

2007-09-05T14:51:00.001+12:00

Amazing Because It Is - The Almost

2007-09-05T11:34:00.001+12:00

The Almost -

2007-09-05T11:33:00.001+12:00

Say this sooner

Did you know???

2007-08-14T22:20:00.000+12:00

Did you know that...

Some studies have found that people who are actively spiritual and healthy have a 25% lower morbidity level than those who are not but are healthy

Church communities are able to create 'social capital' (its a Community Health Psychology term - google it) relatively easily and through this enhance the health of all members and negate other determinants of health such as poor housing, poverty, unemployment etc

The majority of people would like their doctor or medical professional to enquire about or include their spiritual belief system in treatment procedures

Spirituality has been found to decrease likelihood of repeat heart attacks etc - especially through daily meditation

I have been collating research for a presentation on how spirituality enhances health and overall wellbeing for my Comm Psych paper - its fascinating the stuff thats out there and the evidence available supporting the incorporation of beliefs and worldviews in health treatments and programmes...

Hearing God in Amos

2007-07-27T13:23:00.000+12:00

Reading through Amos as a requirement of my Old Testament paper (it's quite challenging reading several OT books per lesson I can tell you!) a lot of things have caught my attention but these verses really address the main topic I have blogged about recently:

"The days are coming," declares the Sovereign LORD, "when I will send a famine through the land - not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the LORD. People will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the word of the LORD, but they will not find it. In that day the lovely young women and strong young men will faint because of thirst... they will fall, never to rise again." Amos 8:11-14

Interesting.

Its not a famine of words but rather of hearing. Also instead of turning to God the people will wander around the land seeking for His word. Even those with the most stamina and energy - the young - will fall from lack of God's word.

So how important is it to hear God's word and to hear it often?

Where are you looking to hear Him?

How hungry are you?

How healthy are you?

Dove - Evolution Commercial (higher quality)

2007-07-27T10:40:00.001+12:00

Interesting...

How to hear God?

2007-07-23T16:09:00.000+12:00

As a result of the essay I wrote for BCNZ I have become increasingly curious about how people hear God. The more I ask the more diverse the answers become! It seems though that the more intentional people are in seeking to hear God the more they hear and also the more diversely they recognise God in their lives.

I have asked at least 30 people so far and not one has said they hear God as an audible Voice - rather they hear Him as an unusual thought of wisdom (often in relation to something they are doing at the time - working or watching a movie etc), as a direction or guidance, as intuition, as reassurance and peace about a situation or a decision etc. By the by I have been only asking students and young workers not anyone with Bible College or similar teaching.

Interestingly most people tend to talk about the 'last time' God spoke to them - typically weeks or months ago. Also they are not very confident talking about this topic. Not once have I encountered someone who interacts with God as He speaks to them, not questioning or arguing or commenting even.

All of this research leads me pondering a few things. I think there really is a need for teaching on this subject - especially for those who have been Christians for a while and are struggling in their relationship with God. For me a relationship works two ways in terms of communication and so a huge part of my relationship with God is conversing with Him daily (and that isn't just me pray for an hour then listen for an hour - thats one of us say something - the other respond etc). I know we all have individual relationships with God but I'm pretty sure this sort of thing is key to growing in spiritual maturity. Thoughts?

2007-07-19T11:14:00.000+12:00

Every day I receive a Devotion from Christian Women Today. This was yesterdays:

by Suzanne Benner

How do you define blessing? Do material possessions, such as a comfortable home, the latest gadgets and stylish clothes, determine whether or not you are blessed? Or does blessing refer to less tangible items like fulfillment in work, a healthy body or a sense of purpose in life? Is blessing simply a stroke of luck or good fortune? Does it apply only to people living in the western hemisphere of the world? Surely, blessing from God would include children, a satisfying marriage, and close friendships. Yet, if we are honest, we will acknowledge that we don't have answers for those who lack these "blessings" that we presume are ours. You know someone -- maybe it's you -- who has longed for children, but remains barren; who has ached to be married but remains single; who has suffered pain from a chronic illness that doctors can't alleviate; who although they are faithful to God have endured financial devastation, the agony of divorce, or the death of a child. Maybe we lack a response because our assumptions are incorrect. I was stunned by how Peter defined blessing from God in one of his sermons. "When God raised up his servant, he sent him first to you to bless you by turning each of you from your wicked ways" (Acts 3:26). Peter describes blessing as being turned from evil. God blessed us by sending Jesus to reveal the truth of our wicked and deceitful behavior, to change the direction of our lives. We are incredibly blessed by God when He opens our eyes to the sin in our lives, so that we can turn to Him. That is the blessing that every believer experiences. Consider your idea of blessing and thank God for turning you from sin.

Does this line up with your understanding of being blessed? It didn't with mine!

Hello world!

2007-07-18T23:49:00.000+12:00

Hellllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Yes I am back. We are currently onto our third modem in the flat in one week and I have had virtually no internet at home since my last posting so while the withdrawal symptoms have well and truly died down blogging once again is a novelty =).

I really have very little to say tonight other than watch this space and please pray as I am struggling a little with fatigue after being horribly sick during probably the busiest week of the year so far and now the semerster has dawned to find me yet again near the end of my tether. Be that as it may at least God is strong in my weakness!!!

luv Cat

Shepherding and the Voice of God

2007-06-17T13:34:00.000+12:00

While studying I started on a fascinating chain of thought that I need to put down in writing so here's another 'welcome to my thought process' blog. Good luck reading it!!!

Ok. In John 10 (which we covered in leaders lifegroup for those playing at home)Jesus says the following (New Revised Standard Version):

4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes ahead of them, and the sheep follow him because they know his voice. 5 They will not follow a stranger, but they will run from him because they do not know the voice of strangers.”

Having pondered these verses a lot both in pastoral care study and in lifegroup recently they were fresh in my mind. Then I read John 8:47 today:

"Whoever is from God hears the words of God. The reason you do not hear them is that you are not from God.”
Or, in the New Living Translation:
"Anyone whose Father is God listens gladly to the words of God. Since you don't, it proves that you aren't God's children."

So we have Jesus first saying that one of the ways we may know whether or not someone is from God, or is one of His children, is by whether they hear from God / listen for God's words gladly. Then Jesus states that He is the good shepherd and that the sheep follow Him and KNOW HIS VOICE - indeed they will run from the voice of a stranger.

Now hearing the voice of God and knowing that one has heard Him is a very touchy topic amongst Christians today. Some people claim He does not speak having said all He needs to through the bible, others claim He speaks through coincidence and scriptures only, still more claim the bible is irrelevant as God speaks to them continuously. Yet here in scripture it states quite clearly that to be considered a child of God we must be listening to - not just for but to - God's voice, and that we will accordingly run from strangers.

I started pondering what it's like to be a Christian and yet to not know God's voice - I won't say not hear God because I firmly believe God speaks continuously to all people Christian and non-Christian. Without being able to recognise the Shepherd life must be very confusing. I think we resort to following the general consensus around us - watching what the other sheep do and following their lead. Because we are unaware of the Shepherd calling our name and the direction and guidance He is providing we place far more value on our friendships and mentors and their advice and suggestions. So much so that we follow their lead even when we aren't completely comfortable and can no longer SEE the Shepherd or FEEL the effects of His presence. We follow other shepherds (i.e. other religions and leaders such as Buddhism and Islam) and get caught up in their flocks because we don't know what our Shepherd sounds like. They tend to look similar as they wear the same clothes and give similar instructions, but they lead us in the wrong direction and their promises of Heaven and our destinies are confusing and costly.

Knowing our Shepherd's voice and understanding some of what He is saying to us protects us and gives us a much more reliable connection with Him than simply seeing and feeling the effects of His presence. Listening to Him builds relationship.

I'm sure I could extend this and extend this but I'd actually love to hear your questions and comments on this topic. Do you know God's voice and if so how did you come to recognise it and can you describe it to others? Do you think it's important to hear God / listen to God? Is this an issue today? Do you feel comfortable talking about this? Could you help a friend come to recognise God's voice? Got any queries on or around this topic you'd like me to ponder and blog on?

I believe this topic is incredibly important and relevant to all of us today and I can't wait to see what you think!!!

Beauty = Love

2007-06-17T01:03:00.001+12:00

A friend asked me the other day why does Beauty = Love above the picture of the sky on the right hand side? Well my thoughts are as follows: God created everything in this Universe with US - humans - in mind. He made it all good, He made it beautiful. There was no need or necessity to make it beautiful or pleasing to us and yet He did so and I personally get a lot of pleasure from God's handiwork. Therefore, to me, this combines to say that all that is good and beautiful was made in preparation for us via love.

Hence: Beauty = Love.

Blessings!

Blogging Blogging Blogging

2007-06-15T22:26:00.002+12:00

I do love blogging its extremely addictive in a non-harmful way - providing one does it in moderation!!! In the last 24hours a few of my friends have been accessing my blogs for the first time - most often when I've been present via chatting or actually while I've been in the room and hearing people's various comments has been quite intriguing.

Some people simply won't even look at the blogs cos they can't see the point, others will read but not have any opinion, more still will read and talk to you in person but not comment, and then there are the commenters! We are all so diverse!

So why do I blog? Well, as I've put in my profile/intro thingy, it helps me process and think things through as I type. Also I've been learning a LOT at bible college and at church and I want to toss ideas around and see what people find helpful. But mainly I love to get further input into my thinking. If I have a discussion the benefits are there but limited by what I recall and who is present. If I blog then the comments are visible for all and can build discussion.

I must admit that I shamelessly advertise my blog - I want to hear as many points of view as possible and I think that its important to share what I have learnt. Sometimes I get squeamish about sharing but hey its all learning right! Oh and if you ever have a topic you'd like me to blog on let me know...

And being accountable I put God first this morning - but I didn't have to be up very early. The challenge is tomorrow morning when I need to be out of the house by 8.25, hmmmm

Commitment?!!?

2007-06-14T21:55:00.000+12:00

Undercommitment and overcommitment. I think that two of the biggest problems amongst leaders today and facing leaders today are represented by these two words. Finding the balance between the two seems to be exceedingly difficult.

They came up a little in leaders lifegroup tonight and when asked for solutions I don't think we really got anywhere fast! I know my tendency is towards overcommitment. If I'm going to do something then I want to do it well and to focus on both big picture and small details. Yet I also know a lot of people who won't commit to anything and will do the bare minimum to get by while grabbing as much as they can out of the commitment. Leading those types of people is frustrating as heck and exceedingly draining. Likewise leading overcommitters is challenging as they will do anything asked of them but then start to disappear under their commitments and so can't be relied upon to stay healthy and committed for the entire journey.

So how do we address this - primarily in our own lives, and then in the lives of those we are shepherding??? Prioritising is whats shouted at me by my advisors and yet everything from my vantage point looks equally important...

Except God.

I have learnt that seeking God first results in everything falling into place.
I have also learnt that His priorities and mine don't necessarily line up and I need His input daily to fall in line with Him rather than imposing my steps on His.
I have learnt that going back to basics really does work.
It's not pat responses.
It's truth.

It's also hard work and discipline!!!

At the end of the day I don't think we will ever learn to get the balance right - things change every day that affect our balance! God however balances everything perfectly and knows whats coming before we do - it makes much more sense to pass everything over to Him. I know lots of people are not morning people and don't pray in the morning or like to read their bible then (me being one) but God has the ability and willingness to work with us to change our ways of being, if we ask Him to. I really feel challenged to try the 'mornings with God FIRST' approach to try and address this area of my life and I challenge you to do so too. Undercommitment stunts our growth and holds us back from experiencing lifechanging transformation. Overcommitment prevents us from doing what we do with excellence and being able to finish the race with heads held high. Where do you fit in?

Prayer - focus in queston

2007-06-10T23:44:00.000+12:00

Silly me, I've managed to reset my body clock so that now - coming up to midnight - I am the most awake I have been all day. Oh well.

As I was praying in the prayer meeting before church tonight I was quite challenged by the way we pray for our city and nation and world and also what we pray for in those areas. I love that Eastside always includes mission in the services - its a great way to both partner with God in reaching out and also leep our eyes focused outward even as we build our inner selves in the service. However.

We tend to pray that God would move through those areas, we focus on praying for the non-christians the majority of the time, we are quite abstract. I was really challenged on this. God has sent us to reach the lost. He has already gone to them - they just can't see Him and don't recognise His presence. Our job is to bring in the harvest, to BE God and Show God and Bring God to those who can't see and don't know.

So I'm left wondering - should we be focusing on the non-christians or the Christians? I think that we should still pray the prayers we do at the mo but I'm wondering if it isn't even more important to lift up the Christians worldwide, nationwide, citywide, churchwide. To ask God to change us and challenge us to see the lost in our daily lives and to take some risks. To ask God to partner with us as we go - instead of to ask God to move and then go where HE leads.

Going, and praying on the move, has been a huge theme for me this year. It's a lesson that God has been teaching me both through the way my life is going and also through speaker after speaker. Alongside 'perception' 'going first' has been a steady theme that has deepened in meaning, intensity, and applicability.

So question time! What do you think about the way we pray? Do you 'partner' with God? Is there a value in praying and what is it for you? What is intercessory prayer and do you do it? Do you have any themes God's been speaking to you about repeatedly? Can you share them with others? Have they changed your life? Why is it God sometimes seems to beat us overthe head with the same message over and over and over...?

Head thumping?!!?

Grace

2007-06-10T01:31:00.001+12:00

Listen to the words and let them sink in - this is truly a meaningful song.

The way of the dance

2007-06-09T19:37:00.000+12:00

Dance. I love to watch people dancing and last year before the Oscars I attended the dance lessons put on at church. Besides being fun I found that I learn a lot about how I operate - especially in regards to God.

Due to the lack of men (surprise surprise!!!) I was one of the gals who danced the men's role. It was all about leadership and guidance and I found it very easy. However then I had to swap into the women's role later on and boy oh boy was this a challenge. I couldn't seem to relax and follow guidance. I wasn't able to 'listen' to my partner's guidance in the form of gentle pressure, intuition and letting go of my preconceptions of the steps and following his. When it came to changing the pattern to avoid a hazard or go in a different direction I would stuff up time and time again. However when I relaxed let go and stopped trying I was fine and we danced gracefully.

Today I was reading about how it is possible to see following God's will as being in a dance with God. Instead of seeing God's will as a set plan or target where we aim to hit 'the' spot, or seeing His will as a vague direction with everything being premissable but not everything beneficial, viewing His will as a dance allows us to understand how to both follow Him and yet have an input in the direction of our own paths. If life is a dance with God then we enter into it with Him as our lead partner. He is in intimate relationship with us, not distant, and is leading us through a predetermined set of steps, as we go though we can chat away and He both listens and responds to our requests and comments. However when we mess up by trying to lead or mistaking His guiding He can still guide us on - possibly in another direction, but still leading us in the intended pattern. If an obstacle comes into our path He can lead us around it, or, we can do our own thing and bump into it - but He can still move us on again. We can do our own thing and yet when we come back we can still enter into the dance with Him in confidence that we have not missed our calling but rather that He will guide us into different but still good paths.

How do we know where He is guiding us? By following His prompting through our perceptions and thoughts about things we know are not just from us, by testing these promptings against scripture, by being aware of our circumstances and what people around us are saying, by making decisions and discovering if we have peace. However most of all we discover where to go by going. Its much easier for a partner to guide us in dance if we are actually moving!!!

When learning to dance you can watch everyone around you dance, you can study the theory of dance, you can even have others explain to you where to move and how and THINK you can dance. But you must actually start to try to dance before you can be sure - and even then you will probably have to be stopped and started a few times and fall over after moving in the wrong direction entirely, before you get it right. When we learn to follow His lead and relax and dream big but still attend to His directing then life becomes far less stressful and more enjoyable. I know I struggle with giving up the lead in my life but when I do the dance is a sheer delight!

I am

2007-06-08T09:19:00.000+12:00

“I am not what I ought to be.
I am not what I want to be.
I am not what I hope to be.
But still,
I am not what I used to be.
And by the grace of God,
I am what I am.”

John Newton (1725-1807)
Author of the hymn Amazing Grace

Distractions

2007-06-07T14:45:00.000+12:00

I am really struggling with discipline in all areas of my life currently. Partly because I am absolutely exhausted with BCNZ courses all wrapping up tomorrow and so trying to complete everything means I'm up till 2am and beyond so my defences are naturally lower, and partly because I haven't been practising remaining on task much this semester in general!

Distractions come from all sources, friends, bodily requirements, God! However I read something recently that made me think, Joyce Huggett said that when praying we will automatically be distracted - especially if we are unused to silence. To counteract this she suggests that we incorporate distractions, acknowledge them, and then dismiss them. If a bird is singing praise God for the bird and consider the wonder of the song and then return to what you were originally praying aboout. If the neighbours kids are yelling... If your tummy is rumbling...

So blogging for me has become a distraction eliminator! I acknowledge I have an interesting thought, write it down, and then dismiss it. Sounds crazy but I actually lose more time pondering it and trying to avoid the thought than I do writing it down and posting it online. Got any other distraction busters to share with me?

Blue - Breathe Easy

2007-06-07T00:56:00.001+12:00

Amazing what's available on the net! here's the song I just wrote about...

God speaks to me through music! one?

2007-06-06T21:33:00.000+12:00

Ok so I'm sitting here in an exhausted state of being trying to write an essay on why hearing God is spiritually essential and basically providing a how to guide. I also have i-tunes playing in
the background as I need to have a constant source of distraction otherwise my brain distracts itself! Anyway I'm listening to the boyband Blue of all sources and the song 'Breathe Easy' comes on. It's actually one of my all time favourites and so I cranked the sound up and started actually paying attention.

No I
I can't breathe easy
I can't dream yet another dream
Without you lying next to me
There's no way

Out of my mind
Nothing makes sense anymore
I want you back in my life
That's all I'm breathing for
Tell me why
Tell me why

So, ignoring the blatantly boy-girl relationship aspect to the words, the words just suddenly hit me. We are God's dream - His purpose even? He has done so so much for us and is crying out to us to return to Him. We cause Him such huge pain and yet such great delight. Even when we seem to come closest to Him our eyes are constantly caught by idols - money, relationships, materialism, pride - the heartbreak must be intense. And yet He still sings us lovesongs through creation and quietly whispers into our souls, He bails us out time and time again. I know if a guy cheated on me that would pretty much devastate me - even more so if he had committed his life to me. To have him then come back and ask forgiveness only to repeatedly leave me to come crawling back would really really break my heart. I don't know if I could keep taking him back. Yet God does. Jesus knew what it was to be tempted and yet stayed true. I can't help but feel He was speaking to me - tell me why? tell me why? Is it worth it? I LOVE YOU! Come back, never leave me, you are my dream.

Oh!

2007-06-06T00:18:00.000+12:00

I have a love affair with the sky. Somehow it doesn't matter the time of day or night, the weather or the colour, the sky captures me. I can stare at it and be lost in the wonder and beauty of God no matter what else is going on in my life. Sometimes I have to stop driving I get so distracted. Last night I came out to find the most amazing cloud formations and it took me aback. I realised it had been over a month since I had last taken the time to stare at the sky in adoration and praise God for His amazing amazing creativity and love. It's very easy to start taking things we love for granted when we don't have 'time' to stop. and pause. and wonder.

So today please, for His sake, spend time adoring and marveling at the love story written all around us. Do it for Him and I promise you will always be the one to gain!

Changing!

2007-06-05T19:23:00.000+12:00

Why the lovely format and colour changes?!?! Well I am intermittently getting my red colour back in my computer screen at home (don't ask me why its been gone cos I don't know but I just got a new screen and am occasionally getting the red showing through?!?!). Accordingly I realised there was ORANGE in my template and as I detest orange I changed it. Which means everything else changed too. Oh well.

(Sorry Rick its just GROSS)

Welcome to my thinking process

2007-06-03T13:03:00.000+12:00

This feels a little weird - I'm a night blogger so to be sitting here in the middle of the day and not be procrastinating about something else well its weird. However I also process and think as I write, its something Pastor Clive picked up on with me early on at staff meetings, I find it easiest to respond if I have written notes. Even with exams I have always had to have a computer to type rather than a writer (due to my muscle etc. problems in my hands) cos I just can't seem to put things in quite the same way verbally. (Yes I am justifying shush!).

Anyway the reason I am needing to process is cos I've just got back from church - specifically the ordination of Simon Moetara as a Pastor and Teacher of the Apostolic Movement. After the ordination Simon and Rachael, along with quite a few others, were praying over those of us who felt we are called to fulltime ministry. Simon said one phrase that has given me much pause 'you have set yourself aside for God just as He has set you aside for Him prior to your conception' (wording may be out - meaning is the same).

Somehow that's been playing in my head every since - that I have set myself aside for God.

I have knowingly surrendered my life to God, it often is a daily thing. I have chosen to obey Him. I have a strong confidence that He has called me to be a Pastor within His church. I am doing all I can to grow into that and walk into that. But 'set myself aside', the words somehow resonate within me.

As I write this I now know that its true. I have, in a process I have largely been unaware of, been slowly dedicating all that I am and all that I have to God. I have been setting myself aside, moving away from those things and people that are not of Him and have an unduly large influence on my life, and focusing on God in all aspects of my life. But sudddenly that phrase means even more. It means I now love myself enough and am confident enough in His love for me and delight in me that I consider myself acceptable for His service. It means that I know that in Him and with Him in me all things are possible and I am free to be what He created me for. It means that I now accept that He did set me aside before conception for His delight and love and friendship and service and partnering and oh the list goes on!

Don't get me wrong I don't belive that I am this amazing superwoman or that I am better than everyone around me- NO! Rather I am beginning to grasp just how amazing I am because of Him and therefore, as a result of this awareness, I have a far greater understanding of who others (including YOU) areand how amazing you all are too! By the by I'm really over the false modesty thing we are amazing we do reflect God and He delights in us so...

This really has turned into a ME ME ME blog but hey - I'll post it for your interests sake if nothing else you may have a better understanding of how I tick =).

Define forgiveness please!

2007-05-28T13:36:00.000+12:00

Doing my readings today on guilt, forgiveness and reconciliation I came across the following quote:

Of the great Christian or Jewish words—God, love, sin, guilt, forgiveness, reconciliation—none is a definition. They are all relational statements. That is, love is not a thing; it is a relation. Guilt is not a thing; it is a relation. Sin, too, is not a thing, it is a relation. In reconciliation, the prefix re- means conciliation reestablished, or harmony once broken put back together. This is terribly important. When I say you cannot find a definition of love, I mean that love becomes clear and recognizable only when you behold a relationship (Joseph Sittler 1986, 80).

This kind of struck me. The quote was in support of, and reference to, the way we define forgiveness etc today as opposed to the way it was defined in Jewish culture and context. While today the focus is all on self and individualism then the focus was more on unity and community. Forgiveness and reconcilation was about restoring the balance and the harmony of the entire community as a whole - not simply restoring the original relationships of the individuals involved. As such forgiveness could be seen as a process that occurs as reconciliation is achieved over time within the community.

Yet again this is a perception issue: Dispute resolution vs. restoration of community.

When we think about what forgiveness is what does that actually mean? Is it a single act that allows us to return to old feelings and relations? Is it a process that involves time and acts on the behalf of those in the 'wrong' restoring the balance? Does it mean we have to forget? Does forgiveness mean that the wrongs done to us become morally acceptable? Does forgiveness involve only the victim and perpetrator or an entire community? How do we forgive?

As I have studied this topic I have found that my understanding of biblical forgiveness and reconciliation has grown substantially. Likewise my understanding of others views of forgiveness has been broadened. We don't all think alike and so when told from the pulpit we 'must' forgive we respond very differently...

Funny how a topic we assume we understand can turn out to be a massive blob of grey confusion and miscommunication!!!

Generosity

2007-05-28T13:30:00.000+12:00

I got out of the habit of blogging daily and now I'm struggling to get back into the flow of things... I'm sure theres a lesson in that!!!

Generosity. Simon Moetara touched briefly on this topic during his sermon on Mission tonight (well last night now as when i tried to post this the internet disappeared from my network???) and it sparked something within me thats been building and simmering in the back of my mind and heart for a while.

What is generosity?

1.	readiness or liberality in giving.

2.	freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character.

3.	a generous act: We thanked him for his many generosities.

4.	largeness or fullness; amplitude.

To be generous we need first to believe we have something of value and secondly we need to believe we can actually spare some of that for the sake of others. We can't give what we don't believe we have. This comes back then to perception. Truth is we are all wealthy if we can sit down at a computer and read a blog let alone write one or comment on one. This means we have the money required to access a computer, the education required to use one, the time to use it (time being a huge luxury in the Western world particularly) and the time to study / think / pray about what we write about. However generosity is by no means limited to things of worldly value.

To me a big part of being a Christian and becoming more Christ like is wanting to spend time with others sharing, praying, consoling, encouraging, teaching etc etc. I really get frustrated when I see my friends unwilling and uncomfortable in offering to do the same things. To be honest it used to make me quite angry - their lack of apparent willingness to just 'get over themselves' and help minister to someone else.

Then I had somewhat of a revelation.

My friends were unwilling to pray etc not so much out of lack of will but rather out of poor perception. They were so focused on their own faults and failures and the struggles of their own walks with God that they could not see the comparable feast they had to share with others. Its a truly sad thing when we become so inward focused that we can't see the extreme poverty our neighbours are experiencing yet we are all guilty of this - both in terms of physical nourishment (eg Africa etc) and spiritual nourishment (our neighbours, our city, our nation and our world!).

When we hold back from mentioning God and offering to pray for someone experiencing hard times we are refusing to even offer scraps from our table to the starving. Even if we ourselves are only eating bread and drinking water this is a feast to those who have nothing! Comparison of ourselves with others can be a dangerous thing leading to pride and boasting however if we never even consider the condition of others we are guilty of turning blind eyes. Even if we are going through the hardest time and feel we are walking through the valley of the shadow of death God is able and willing to partner with us in reaching out to others. Its about our perception. If we believe that what we have is so little that it is not worth sharing or that we cannot afford to part with any of it then we won't share. If we believe that what we have is very little yet also know that this little amount has changed our lives and has the power to change others we will then share it with others in the hope that it might help someone.

As a leader I don't come to every Sunday service feeling incredible and amazing and in perfect relationship with God. However in spite of my situation I know that what I have is life changing and of incredible value. I pray and minister out of the assurance that God works with and through me and accordingly I ALWAYS have something to pass on to others. I have learnt that generosity of spirit is a mindset... do you have it?!?

Faith levels...

2007-05-21T23:41:00.001+12:00

I can't recall which speaker made this statement at Pursuit - but it certainly challenged my thinking - 'maybe we need to reduce our faith to the level we have substance for'. I think the point he was making was that sometimes we have 'faith' for sooo much but we are incapable of following through on what we are believing for. Maybe its better to start focusing on and believing for our friends and family to come to Christ before we pour all our energy into believing for the city of Hamilton to come to Christ within the year. Now I'm not saying think small but I am asking do we have faith for what we can do in partnership with God, or just for what we perceive only God can do (thus requiring little or no identifiable sacrifice from ourselves)? Did anyone else who went to Pursuit pick up on this? Thoughts?

I must admit I'm not entirely convinced however its always nice to have a radical position cross my path and challenge me to question what I believe and why.

To be excellent and selective or prolific and second-best?

2007-05-21T23:01:00.000+12:00

What a title! My darling little brother once said to me (he was 17) I could either be one of two types of people. I could be all things to all people, serve everywhere I wanted to, do everything I was interested in, wear myself out, but only do a second-rate job, and in the process prevent other people from stepping up and doing the things I was doing, half-heartedly, to the best of their ability. OR. I could be selective in what I do and choose to sacrifice some priorities for other ones and make space for other people to shine. What a choice.

Sometimes its so easy to get caught up in the 'If I don't do it nobody will' mindset. We think that we are irreplaceable, that we alone can finish the job or bring home the medal. Truth is God didn't call us to each be the entire body of Christ - to represent both the eye and the ear, the mouth and the nose, the arm and the leg, the toes and the fingers. He called us each to be individuals, each with different abilities and gifts. As 1 Corinthians 12:8-31 puts it:

⁸To one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, ⁹to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, ¹⁰to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the discernment of spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. ¹¹All these are activated by one and the same Spirit, who allots to each one individually just as the Spirit chooses.

One Body with Many Members

(Cp Eph 4.1—16)

¹²For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³For in the one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and we were all made to drink of one Spirit.

¹⁴Indeed, the body does not consist of one member but of many. ¹⁵If the foot would say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁶And if the ear would say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁷If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole body were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? ¹⁸But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. ¹⁹If all were a single member, where would the body be? ²⁰As it is, there are many members, yet one body. ²¹The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” ²²On the contrary, the members of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, ²³and those members of the body that we think less honorable we clothe with greater honor, and our less respectable members are treated with greater respect; ²⁴whereas our more respectable members do not need this. But God has so arranged the body, giving the greater honor to the inferior member, ²⁵that there may be no dissension within the body, but the members may have the same care for one another. ²⁶If one member suffers, all suffer together with it; if one member is honored, all rejoice together with it.

²⁷Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. ²⁸And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers; then deeds of power, then gifts of healing, forms of assistance, forms of leadership, various kinds of tongues. ²⁹Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? ³⁰Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret? ³¹But strive for the greater gifts. And I will show you a still more excellent way.

The Holy Bible : New Revised Standard Version. Nashville : Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1989, S. 1 Co 12:8

Trying to be a prophet when our intended position is as an evangelist is as silly as trying to be a finger when our true role is to be a nose. Even sillier is when we try to be both at once and never quite work out how to bend or to smell because we try to smell with our knuckle and bend with our nostril. Ridiculous analogy I know but I hope you get the point!

We have been called into the body of Christ for a purpose and a reason. We are needed. We are necessary. However we also need to remember that just as we have a place so do our sisters and brothers and its not fair to them to try and do everything. Far better to have not enough people on the host team and have to ask a random member of the congregation to help out than to have the same old people getting worn out and resentful. Who knows they may like it! (The random - not the 'usual'!!!).

This is an area I constantly struggle with but hey I'd like to think I improve with age and exhaustion!!! Somehow I am always sheepishly amazed by how incredible things go when I delegate them to others and encourage them through it instead of steamrolling ahead myself...

So my question is what is your aim? To be excellent and selective or prolific and second-best?

Pursuit in a word

2007-05-20T22:03:00.000+12:00

Wow what a crazy crazy week! I can't believe that its only been five days since I posted my last blog - feels like an eternity ago! I, along with a large portion of the staff and leadership team (especially the music department), was up at CLCA South attending the leadership conference 'Pursuit of Excellence' from tuesday to friday and my mind and spirit combined are in revelation overload. So much so in fact that I can't even begin to unpack what happened - it would just take hours and screeds of writing and no-one would EVER read it all.

I think if I reduced everything to one word that word would be "GO". The details will come, it doesn't matter if you go in the wrong direction and have to keep changing course, the point is you are actually moving and doing something not locked up in a closet praying and never doing anything to help direct that prayer. As one of my amazing lifegroup leaders said today(and she hadn't been to Pursuit which makes her EXTRA brilliant to have reached this on her own - go BETH!) its much harder for God to push you in the right direction if you are stationary. At least if you are moving you already have some momentum up and going so its more of a gentle hand guiding the shoulder not a kick up the behind before direction can be given.

This has reinforced some of the opinions I held before the conference about the need to start serving even if you have no idea what your 'calling' is as well as challenging me as to what am I doing right now? Is everything necessary? Effective? Addressing the big commands - to love God, love neighbours and love self? Am I witnessing to my family? Is my family a priority? What does this all look like and what SHOULD it look like? How am I going to change so I am being most effective with the resources I have?

It is so easy to sit here with my list of resources and think I have so little - especially when my list of responsibilities (gosh there are a lot of 'i's in that word) and commitments is in my other hand. Truth is I am incredibly blessed just to have been born into this country let alone to have been given the talents and skills God has blessed me with and the ability to work and study. As James MacPhearson shared with us at camp - its up to us whether we view what we have as a famine or a feast and I choose to see my life through the feast mindset. I just have to determine what I am going to allow access to my feast and what is just going to have wait or be directed elsewhere.

So that is my very condensed version of Pursuit and my response to it. Now I need to start to unpack each message and its relevance to me and apply them. Fun!!!

2 Peter 1:3-7

2007-05-15T00:12:00.000+12:00

^{Today in my daily email devotion my attention was drawn to the following passage of scripture:

2 Peter 1:3-7 (NRSV)

3}His divine power has given us everything needed for life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. ⁴Thus he has given us, through these things, his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may escape from the corruption that is in the world because of lust, and may become participants of the divine nature. ⁵For this very reason, you must make every effort to support your faith with goodness, and goodness with knowledge, ⁶and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with endurance, and endurance with godliness, ⁷and godliness with mutual affection, and mutual affection with love.

What an amazing passage of scripture!!! Peter teaches that every aspect of Christian living builds upon and supports the next. Faith allows goodness to develop and goodness supports faith. Likewise goodness allows knowledge to form and knowledge increases goodness. However not only does knowledge increase goodness it then therefore increases faith just as faith supports the development of knowledge. It continues in ever increasing circles to include self-control, endurance, godliness, mutual affection and love.

There is so much pratical advice to be gained from this passage. One of the first points I picked up on was that we can never develop one area of our walk in isolation. Trying to develop faith while deliberately not developing our ability to love or our knowledge of God is like trying to eat ten weetbix without anything else - it might start out ok but a little way in everything feels dry and uncomfortable. Nothing goes down easily, every mouthful is an effort and the last thing you want to be eating is weetbix. However add milk or any form of liquid/lubricant and it becomes a meal that is nutritious and palatable. Often trying to develop our faith leads to the very opposite thing happening - our doubts are increased. Adding bible reading, acts of goodwill and self-control however allows us to see that faith take action and supports its building naturally.

Another point of interest is that we have been given EVERYTHING we need - not only for life but also for Godliness! We are not going to be given, we haven't been given a few of the tools, oh no we already have everything we need. Wow. No excuses can be tolerated in light of t hat statement. So if we already have all we need then we need to be growing in godliness - NOW - no waiting for our 'calling' to be revealed or till we can enter into ministry or get to bible college or raise a family or any of the push-pause reasons that we love to wait on. Feeling challenged?

I could go on and on but its after midnight and bed is calling so the floor is open - what points come to mind for you out of this wee passage? I will be back after Pursuit so I look forward to reading your thoughts

luv Cat

You get out what you put IN

2007-05-14T11:34:00.000+12:00

As per normal I attended church last night and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. This is a complete contrast to how I felt about church two and a half years ago. Then I would come slink in the side a couple of minutes late, stand and sing but never move from my standing position - even to clap. I'd sit through the service, maybe take a note or two but wouldn't open my bible, and then afterwards chat to maybe one or two people from cellgroup before disappearing home quickly. I'm so glad things have changed.

Back then church was something that was meant to fit in with me, to suit my tastes and meet my needs. I wasn't willing to put anything in until I received what I thought I needed. I would complain the church wasn't very friendly, but never greet anyone myself. I would complain the teaching wasn't very deep, but never take the time to read the bible and understand the teachings at a deeper level. I was trying to suck all I needed out of the tiny commitment I had made and wondered why I was getting so little!

A couple of weeks ago during the offering talk the point was made that what we give in offerings is returned to us tenfold. Last night Dave Artinian mentioned that what you receive back is often in a different form to that which you put in. This doesn't just go for money though - it goes for praise, time, commitment, service, friendship etc etc etc. By choosing to sacrifice my time and my fears of rejection and not being good enough and do things anyway I have been blessed beyond my wildest imagination. I think this is why I enjoyed last night so much. Last night the altar was filled with people, young and old, stepping out of their comfort zones and praising God. It was beautiful! This is also why I love inviting people to step out of their routines and join me in ministering to someone who's hurting, greeting someone new, or serving on a women's team. There are any number of ways to stretch people a little further and often all they need is a little encouragement or support - I know the benefits and I can't wait to see them break through and experience them too.

The most rewarding thing about church for me these days is seeing the people standing in my shoes of two and a half years ago starting to walk forward in their own paths - knowing there is more in store for them and helping them start to see it too by the grace of God =)

'Nature'al Medication

2007-05-12T15:22:00.000+12:00

Today has been another day of study - but with a twist. I can only handle sitting still so long - leave it too long and I start getting a little bit crazy. Just as I was getting the I can't cope point today I hit a new section in my course called 'Praying with God's "other" book'. The notes discussd how often in the bible people were praying and receiving revelation in the most random places, on mountaintops (Abraham as he climbed up to sacrifice Isaac, Jesus before choosing the disciples and again at his transfiguration), in fields (Isaac was meditating in one when his servant and Rebekah returned), in gardens (Gethsemane), watching potters (Jeremiah 18), at lakeside breakfasts (John 21:15ff). The point being that often it is in creation that God speaks to us.

I know that creation and nature are essential to my spiritual wellbeing. When I haven't made the time to stop and reflect, to re-examine, and to just be in nature - particularly in the bush or at the beach - I start to lose focus and begin to sweat the small stuff. So today - in spite of the myriad of things I need to get done - I went for a walk. I didn't stride it out or hurry, in fact I kind of meandered a bit. I didn't drive to the gardens or the lake, I just walked out my front door with nothing in my hands and no bag on my back. I walked with no destination in mind. The only thing I took with me was one thought: I am a part of this creation. I am not an observer. This is my environment and I am a part of it - it was made for me and I was made for it.

I can't say that it was a particularly spiritual walk or that I received an amazing revelation, but I did take time to pause and reflect and enjoy. I took a photo of an amazingly purply coloured plant. I stood in awe staring up the trunk of a massive massive pine tree. I thoroughly enjoyed the sunshine on my face and back. I listened to a band practice in someones home and admired the drumming. I kicked the autumn leaves and smelt the fragrance of rotting foliage. I smiled. It was great and it only took 34minutes.

We live in an amazing world. It is incredible how even in the city we are surrounded by insects and green green grass and extremely large trees as well as totally diverse people, weird and wonderful architeture and constant movement. As nice as it is to 'get away from it all' its great to simply choose to enjoy and marvel at the environment we live in day by day and still come away feeling refreshed and free.

Motivation

2007-05-11T16:41:00.000+12:00

The past few months I have been constantly confronted with motivation - and not in a positive way. It seems that most people I talk to are struggling with it. Either they have never had motivation in a particular area and are struggling with it, they have had motivation and now have lost it and are struggling, or the motivation they have has changed and they are wondering whether to stick with the original or go with the now... Motivation seems to have a lot to answer for!

So what is it?

Motivation (the word) is a noun referring to:

1.	the act or an instance of motivating.

2.	the state or condition of being motivated.

3.	something that motivates; inducement; incentive.

Motive (the word) can be used as a
–noun

1.	something that causes a person to act in a certain way, do a certain thing, etc.; incentive.

2.	the goal or object of a person's actions: Her motive was revenge.

3.	(in art, literature, and music) a motif.

–adjective

4.	causing, or tending to cause, motion.

5.	pertaining to motion.

6.	prompting to action.

7.	constituting a motive or motives.

–or verb (used with object)

8.	to motivate.

To me this indicates that motivation comes back to the cause / value / reason behaind we are doing something. If we have no motivation for a particular area is it because our reasons for doing what we are doing are no longer valuable or important to us?

An example of this would be the student who started out her degree with such high hopes and expectations. She was motivated by attaining a credential, by gaining skills to help her get a good job, by wanting to make a difference in the world, by the sheer joy of learning and growing. Two or three years in the necessity of a degree and the usefulness of a degree is not so important to her - it seems that practical experience is what is valued most. Her belief that what she is doing will make a difference is gone, eroded away by cynicism and an awareness that learning alone is never enough. The daily slog of little money, hard work and late nights struggling to understand meaningless information have destroyed her enjoyment of what shes doing. She's left wondering where did my motivation go? Why am I bothering to study? Why not quit and start working?

This is just one example - it happens to those with specifically 'Christian' aspirations too - but the questions are always the same. Why bother? What purpose is this serving? Should I change direction because the passion is gone? Is God telling me something by 'removing' my motivations?

I don't really have many helpful answers at this point. I struggle with motivation too. I do know that unless my motivation is of God in the first place or changes in the course of things to be of God then my motivation will naturally leech away till I am left with sand...

Hebrews!!!

2007-05-10T23:02:00.000+12:00

Ahhhhh I have done it... I have given in to myself and have entered the blogging world finally. Somehow its so much easier to comment on other peoples thoughts than to write down my own. Its not that I have no thoughts to write down its simply now I have to try and be organised and process rather than read and respond.

Currently I am processing through Hebrews, specifically the Christology of the author and the audience and how Christ is revealed both in person and in purpose. It is fascinating reading the various perspectives on this topic. Commentaries tend to focus on the High Priesthood of Christ and the meaning of this both at the time of sacrifice and subsequently since. I can't say that I have ever really thought about this aspect of Christ before in any depth so much of what I have read has gone over my head. Some commentaries consider this teaching to be 'new' to the audience of the time. They see it as the same message of the gospel reillustrated to emphasise new points. This perspective however is revealed as extremely limited in light of other commentaries whose writers have taken the time to consider the probable audience of the epistle/homily. The audience seems to be, most likely, converts from Judaism (possibly even the priests under the old covenant). They would have been extremely comfortable with the concepts of sacrifice and atonement for sin but would likely have struggled with the idea of one sacrifice atoning for all sin past present and future. In this light the emphasis on the sovereignty of Christ, his complete humanity and divinity, his role as high priest, and his current role as intercessor at the right hand of the father, makes sense in a whole new way.

I think both types of commentary provide insights but attempting to understand context and intent allows a much deeper insight to be attained. I can only imagine how the early Christian converts from Judaism must have felt. Initially expecting to be reunited with Christ anyday and living in that hope only to fall into sin and feel dirty with no clear way to attone for that sin. Knowing that the old ways were no longer appropriate and yet not understanding that Jesus' sacrifice was sufficient both for the sins of their past and for the ones since his death and resurrection. No wonder it seems as though they were tending to be heading back to the old ritualistic patterns of Judaism!

The temptation to return to the old tried and true methods is often so strong in our lives. Kindof like the quantity maths problems where you have to measure certain quantities with a limited array of measuring cup sizes. Sometimes its possible to work out the quantity one way but it takes twice as long as another new way that would not have worked with previous puzzles - trouble is we see that the old way still works and forget to consider other alternative patterns. Its only when we come up against a puzzle that doesn't work with the old strategy that we consider trying new methods. I wonder if thats why we get so comfortable with the status quo. We know it works, we have no reason to question it or try something new so we don't move out of it until we hit a problem. Trying new methods for the sake of trying new methods isn't habitual so our ability to deal with changes is not increased and thats why we then struggle so much with problems that land in our path... leading us to avoid changing even more and settling with the status quo as the cycle repeats itself!

I do believe I'm rambling =)

I am curious to know what happened to the first audience of Hebrews though. Did they return to Judaism? Did they understand what the author was trying to share and begin to grasp the enormity of Jesus' sacrifice and intercession on their behalf? Were they divided or united? I also wonder about Christians today. How many fail to grasp this concept of complete and utter freedom from sin in Christ? How many still feel unable to attone for their sins not realising they don't have to - its been done for them? Or is it better to ask how many truly understand this truth - that we are completely and utterly redeemed! I have always loved Hebrews 11 and 12 but now as I study the book as a whole I am beginning to grasp just how important it is and how much there is yet to learn. Now if only I could write my essay as if it were in blog form!!!